The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
New to board and new to Al-Anon. Attended my first meeting last week and it was nice to finally meet people who are going through or have gone through what I have.
Typical story. Married 14 years to my wife and have 3 kids. She probably has been an alcoholic for a while but I guess I always ignored the signs. Not being able to stop drinking, drinking by herself, and getting into accidents and stupid situations. The last 5 months have really gotten worse with an alcohol overdose (.488) and involuntary committment. Now drinking every night and all vodka. Most nights a half bottle of vodka but sometimes more. She doesnt eat dinner with us anymore or be involved with any of our kids acitivities. I am now doing all the household work including paying all the bills. Her health is finally getting bad as she is not taking any of her medication including the ones for high blood pressure, some enzyme deficiency, and high cholestrol. The doctor says there is nothing that can be done as only she can decide to get help.
I was depressed for a while but now that I am reading the Al-Anon book, I feel much better about life. I had envisioned growing old with this woman but now look at life with just me and the girls. My only goal now is to raise them even if it is without their mother.
Would appreciate any advice or insight on those who can relate.
Welcome mr5191.... You'll find lots of great experience, strength & hope on this board, including from some men who have been in similar situations (myself included). You didn't mention who is providing the daily care for your kids right now (assuming you are at work) - hopefully it is not your wife??
I empathize with your situation - I had two kids, and their mother was a very active alcoholic until they were 7 & 5 years old, respectively.... it's tough, to be sure...
One book I would highly recommend is "Getting them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews....
Are you able to get to Al-Anon meetings for yourself?? If not, there are online meetings through this board, etc...
Good for you in finding us.... good luck in your journey
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome, mr5191! I'm glad you're here and that you've begun the journey to help yourself and your kids. My situation is different from yours because I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and the mother of an alcoholic, but the pain and insanity are the same.
We don't usually give advice in 12-Step (either online or in face-to-face groups); we just talk about what's helped us and how we work the program and how it works for us. What's helped me over the years is to read everything I can get my hands on, including daily readers. Posting the slogans where I can see them, like on the computer and the refrigerator door, also reminds me to keep focusing on the program. One of my favorite tracts is "Just For Today." It comes in a little tract version and a bookmark, and I use them in almost every book I own. I'll also sometimes tear a favorite page out of The Forum or another Al-Anon tract to use as a bookmark. If I had kids at home, depending on their age, I'd get them into Alateen so that they can also start learning to deal with their own thoughts and feelings.
Welcome again, and keep coming back!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Oh, and going to face-to-face meetings and coming here, too, of course!
__________________
My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
mr5191 glad you found us. You have taken a giant step attending your first Al-Anon meeting. Coming here to MIP is a plus.
I have been where you are vodka included. Like you I watched my wife of 14 years at the time sink deeper and deeper into the grasp of this disease. It happened slowly over time finally reaching a point of controlling every aspect of my wife's life. Her mind, body, and spirit. Alcohol is a mind alterting drug, its a taker, and sucks the life blood out of the family.
Like you I found the doors of Al-Anon and members who understood me as perhaps no one else could. Nothing happened overnight but I knew the night I walked out of my first meeting I had found the right place. I hope you feel the same. I was told to keep coming back and I did. I was given a calling list of members to call when I needed someone to talk to and I did. Those members who understood what I was going through and wanted to give back to me what the program had given them. No one told me what to do only what had worked for them. I wanted what they had and I made a vow to accept, trust and work the program. I didn't have a choice the disease had made my life unmanageable, destroyed my peace of mind, and made me into a person I didn't like anymore.
That's the bad news. The good news is this program does work. I'm living proof. The program changed my life for the better. It took practice. It took time but it was worth every minute of my time. I learned to do what the program tells us to do, how to always take care of myself first. If you don't take care of you first you are not going to be able to take care of your children and your children deserve one sane parent in the house. I was given the tools of the program that helped me on a daily basic dealing with this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.
The program works if you work it.
Keep going to as many meeting as possible. Read prior post on this site. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism. Put the focus on yourself and not the alcoholic in your life. Accept that you have no control over your alcoholic. Keep coming back to MIP and posting. Your life will get better "One Day At A Time". I'm not in your shoes, but trust me, I have walked in the same shoes you are walking in now. Again, your life "will" get better.........Start your recovery.
It's important to remember, your not alone in the disease anymore and in Al-Anon you can find the help and support you need and deserve.
I am fortunate my oldest daughter is 12 and helps with watching her younger sisters. I can work during the day and be home at night for them. My wife still works but I anticipate it wont be long due to the progression of the disease. She has already been warned once at work. Only a matter of time before she gets fired. The ironic part is that I expect it. Maybe that will be the low point to be hit. In the meantime, going on with my life thanks to Al-Anon although I still have much to learn. Thanks for the replies. I know there will be questions in the future. Hoping for the best.
Aloha MR...welcome to MIP also; from the Pacific Rim. Good that you have found the rooms of Al-Anon which for me were and still are a life saver. There is a lot to learn from the fellowship and the literature and by just practicing the program as suggested by sponsor and fellowship. You see informed about the disease and the progression and I hope you get even more or as informed with the program. The 2nd step introduces us to the idea that there is a Power Greater than Ourselves who will lead us to Sanity if we just believe. You sound like you've got the 1st step understood and down and now when you relax and give up control of the past and the future different things happen...surprisingly different than how I perceived and projected they would. Are you doing the steps?...alone or with sponsorship? That is what worked wonders for me when I was wearing those shoes you now have on myself.
See if there is an Alateen meeting available for you 12 year old because she is being affected by this disease just as you are and she needs to sit with other teens who have the experience of working this program also. I have experience in Alateen and will always be grateful for what it unselfishly gave me.
Saddened that you and your wife and family are being affected by alcoholism also. The prayer list is very very long and then there's hope because there is recovery.
Keep coming back...(((((hugs)))))
PS keep in mind that AA in your area is also available to you should you want someone there to come talk with you and your wife...just a suggestion which I have seen work.
I agree with so much everyone else had shared. I however want to add that I really got a lot out of reading the first 164 PP of the Big Book of AA. It was a saving grace to try to understand what the alcoholic was going through. In particular there are two chapters, "To Wives", and "The Family Afterward" that I found meaningful as I saw myself in those pages.
When I started step work with my sponsor she suggested as it is suggested in our literature to refrain from making major decisions in your life for one year unless there is danger of physical abuse. I, too, wanted to leave as I pictured a life without him. Today I am so glad I stayed. I absolutely love this man who happens to have a disease called alcoholism. I treat him with the kindness, love, and respect each and everyone of us deserves. For me I chose a sponsor that lived with active alcoholism. I could not understand how it was possible to be happy joyous and free in that situation. Now I know. I have always followed her suggestions and guidance in the program.
This disease has given me the greatest gift, the Alanon program. The fellowship in the face to face meetings is very strong. I hope you find the love, support, and guidance you need.
Hi there Mr and Welcome to MIP, I am so glad to hear you found Al-anon face to face meetings, those helped me immensly and also the books that were suggested in those meetings. Tom suggested "Getting them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews, that was an awesome eye opener for me along with many other Alanon books that have been offered at meetings. I have a 13 year old that I have reading some Alateen books and she has been very happy with reading them and wanting more of them. I know this is an ugly family disease that can just devastate all involved and I am so glad you found your way here. Support and strength sent your way!!!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
