Is my qualifier.  My abf.  My sweet abf who is really a great person inside...he is the one I am obsessed with and addicted to.  My sickness is so great that I can't focus on me for one minute.  30 seconds is too long sometimes.  I struggle all day.  I am so tired from a life time of concentrating on everyone else.  I am sick of it.  But I keep going back.  And I know that I am probably sicker than him now.  I can only imagine what he goes through thinking about his D.O.C. 

The open aa meeting that I went to last week really opened me up to changing.  It was awesome to be able to talk with them during and after the meeting.  They were a really helpful bunch. 

I work at the front desk of a place where many people come in.  I can smell alcohol on some people when they come in the front door.  The smell hits me like a ton of bricks.  I can see it in their faces and in their eyes that they are alcoholics.  One guy that comes in every other week to get his check, I know is either on heroin or oxycontin or some other opiate, I can tell by his eyes and how constricted his pupils are.  I am sad that these things are now in my knowledge.  But I am glad too because if not, I would not have turned to alanon...

I don't know where I am going with this post, I just needed to be honest and say it.  My drug of choice is my bf.  I am so tired of constantly feeling like I am worried about him, I so want to be done with my codependency.  I want to learn and heal. 

I am planning on starting karate where my kids take classes just so I have something to do that is just for me.  That and meetings.  Thanks....