SAD - Al-Anon Family Group

peacewithin · Veteran Member

SAD

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes the family disease really sucks!!!...that's why. Hang with the fellowship who will love you until you learn to love yourself. ((((hugs)))) smile

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

It sucks.........I know.

I've learned to let go of expectations' so I no longer get resentful or disappointed. Today, my son can't give me of himself he is too busy sharing with his first love.....the bottle. I accept and am powerless over that. Tomorrow could be different!

He phoned recently he said he still had my Mother's day card (never before have I seen one from him, except when in infant school, but he must have bought it before his recent relapse) so I told him there's always next year!! Our Mother's day here in the UK was a month ago!!

I have to say, that personally, I can't be bothered anyway with cards for this that and the next thing (except birthdays!).....it's mostly hype and a money-spinner for the card makers etc....and a resentment builder for those whose expectations are not met.

As Jerry says........we can learn to love ourselves.....happiness is an inside job.

In support

((((((Ness))))))

Otie · Senior Member

Dear peacewithin, I am a mother and i certainly understand the crying heart--no words of consolation can make that pain not exist. We mothers spend a lot of our life hurting over our children, don't we.

It is my personal opinion that we should share with them---gently-- how we mothers' feel. Using "I" statements, of course. NOT to accuse or punish, but to share and educate. After all, they need to know this for their own mates and children. It will make them better husbands. Boys especially, I think, need to be taught empathy for the tender feelings of others.

This is just my thoughts on this. I was also left hurting on Mothers Day. I understand.

Respectfully, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 07:34:23 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am learning that we teach people how to treat us and that includes our children. I am upset with my teenage son for being cranky and not saying happy mother's day on Mother's day. However, I must have taught him that it is ok to be this way, and now I am going to make better rules, boundaries and limitations so that he sees it is not ok to back talk or be cranky. He isn't a bad kid, he doesn't get in trouble, but the disrespect is there, and I have taught him that it is ok with me....

I have also learned about expectations, and when I expect something from someone or expect them to do something and they don't do it, I get resentful...if I use my words to express how I feel and not expect anything in return, then I do not get that resentful feeling... Hugs to you! And happy mother's day!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Peacewithin,

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} and a Happy belated Mother's Day to you. I am sorry to hear about the kids not acknowledging you on Mother's Day.

What I have learned in the program is to begin to serve and put myself first in this life. I have always served others first then if there was time left, I would take care of myself. However, there was never enough time to take care of me. It was hard to step back and "Let it Begin With Me" which is one of our Alanon slogans. When I live that way I am demonstrating for my family I value and respect myself by modeling the behavior.

I know I cannot change others whether they are kind and respectful to me. However, when I put myself first, one day at a time, my expectations of others seem to be minimized.

Respectfully Yours,
TC

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember it sooo well, it was sad. We are in full agreement, the disease sucks.

I needed to feel better though because the pain was sucking me dry. Over time, in recovery, I had to decide that holidays are just days... like any other day. I can attach myself to a story about how that holiday should look... but that makes me miserable. My sad stories make me sad. So, I decided to take the attitude, "oh, so this is the way it has to be? Okay then."

I haven't seen my kids for most holidays in the last 3 years. After the divorce, I moved to another state, but also, my daughter is in the military and my son is in post-graduate school, they are both very busy. I believe with my whole heart, that initially, they put distance in our relationship because I was a stark raving codependent!!! Meaning... I couldn't stay out of their business... my well-being depended on what they did or didn't do. That had to stop becuse I was being harmed by it too... they didn't want to be around me! When I finally learned how to stay on my side of the street, our relationship improved dramatically. Today, I have a happy relationship with my kids, even though I see them very little. I am sooo blessed because al-anon taught me HOW to live. I didn't know before.

As for your husband, my kids give my ex-AH preferential treatment too... I think it's likely because he has more money than I do and he buys them a lot. In a nutshell, they know where their bread is buttered. And, all I can say about that is... I might do exactly what they do, if I were in the same position... it just human behavior to me. And I am not jealous of it either... I am glad their father is good to them. Do I wish they wouldn't drink together? Of course. But whether he's their drinking buddy or not, if my kids are indeed alcoholic... they will do it whether he participates, or not. He is as powerless over alcoholism as I am. If they have the disease, it is not my husband's fault.

I don't know if any of this consoles you, sweetie. All I know is that my Higher power wants me to be happy, and when I LET GO of my stories about how my life should look... and accept life on life's terms instead... I feel happier. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 08:34:24 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're hurting, Peacewithin. It's the truth that a lot of guys, from alcoholic and non-alcoholic families both, don't "get" why women appreciate cards so much. For what it's worth, they typically don't care or notice whether they get cards either. So maybe things look different if we kind of speak their language. Not that it wouldn't be great if they noticed what was important to us, but it might not be the "disrespect" that it seems to someone who thinks it ought to be obvious that cards are important.

Of course you know whether there are larger patterns at work here or not.

It's very hard for me to make my wishes known. And it's especially hard for me to tell what's a symptom of a deeper disregard from something that's merely clueless.

I hope you can keep on taking good care of yourself!

peacewithin · Veteran Member

Thanks Everyone .

I don't know why this year bothered me so much. Just a phone call would of been fine. But I will prepare muself next year. I still have those dreams of the perfect family and fairy tales. I have to get rid of them. Geeees

:o)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

What cracks me up about my AH is how hurt he is when no one gives him a birthday card or acknowledges his birthday but he couldn't care less to give others cards. I'd quit giving your sons cards. then when they ask, just shrug your shoulders and offhandedly say, well, I don't get them from you..... but thats what I would do.

-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 11:06:08 PM

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