16 Months Sober and Now a Relapse - Al-Anon Family Group

ythannah · Senior Member

16 Months Sober and Now a Relapse

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

First if you are not attending f2f meetings at this time , please consider it now . Relapses are common in early recovery , still not easy to watch it happen . for the next time either of you get a cold there are non alcohol cold medicines that work just fine , your local pharmasist can direct you to them . Whats important is that you dont go on this relapse with him work your program stay focused on your own needs and re confirm your boundaries . With holding sex is a game we often play , fyi it dosent work either . We are dealing with grown men here not little boys who if they dont do what we want we take away thier toys . Its perfectly fine to say NO if the alcoholic is drinking or if you really are not in the mood just examine your motives first. I have found that when I try to teach someone a lesson I am usually the one who learns the lesson - bummer. Take care of you and regardless of what he does your going to be just fine . Reality truly sucks some days but there are no suprises when living in it , it is what it is and we work with it . I always loved the line today I will accept what is and work with it , it allows me accept life on lifes terms not just the parts I like . Louise

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

God do I know how you feel! I had a similar experience with the lying about the drinking. It really hurts. Although the length of sobriety was not as long as your A's, only 3 months, it still hurts. It was after that experience that thrust me back into the doors of Alanon with a fire under my feet as a result of the pain I was in. That experience which felt like betrayal gave me the fuel I needed to get a sponsor and work the steps.

Thank you for sharing that with me. I am so glad you did.
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} tc

ythannah · Senior Member

Withholding sex has never been an issue as ABF is a heavy binge drinker who rapidly gets to a point where he has difficulty walking and talking -- anything more ambitious than that is out of the question. What I'm withholding is going over to his place and sitting on the couch with him for half an hour watching his favourite TV show, like we do every other night (except that it would normally be at my house, but there is no alcohol allowed there).

I think what I'm doing is detaching, without the love.

He's been in recovery since 1999. I think his longest period of sobriety was a couple of years. This 16 month period was the longest since we have been together -- before, he was relapsing every month or two.

I attend a weekly meeting. I've been dragging my feet about getting a sponsor -- there's no one suitable in my group (which only has 3 or 4 older core members), I've been keeping my eyes open at fellowship events and have seen a few possible prospects. Sounds like I'm stalking Al-Anon members in search of a sponsor, lol.

"Today I will accept what is and work with it." I like that!

clep · Senior Member

My A has physically relapsed twice in the past. Recently he has started his program again after quitting his program but not physically relapsing. With him I have found that the relapse started mentally long before the physical one. The last time he lost the obsession to drink. He has not regained that obsession, but has regained some other stinkin thinking that goes along with active alcoholism.

He would not take cold medication for a long time when he was still obsessed with the drink. He had the pharmacist provide him medicine that was not addictive and did not have alcohol in it. There are lots out there. When he was no longer obsessed he will now take cold medication without the fear of physical relapse.

Regardless of what he is doing, for me the real issue is what am I doing? It would take a long time of consistent honesty while working his program to trust. I do not believe what he says as I am setting up myself for anger and dissapointment. I don't try to figure out the lies, what is and what isn't. I just don't worry about it.

I don't withhold myself to punish or control. If I do it is because I am not in a place to enjoy it or feel comfortable with it. My motive is what matters.

I make my f2f meetings first in my life, my reading, listening to speakers and working a strong program. When I am obsessed with me and what I am doing, I don't leave myself room to be obsessed with him in the slightest.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ythannah...Thank God for the old timer (louise) and for membership that understand as Clep. Al-Anon gave me a very different perception of how things worked and got me out of my head. Such lessons as "you don't punish a sick person, kept me away from thinking my alcoholic was a bad person" It's a disease...not a moral issue. I learned about attempting constant control with the lessons "It's not about ME, Me, me all the time. Reality was alcoholism and "IT" ruled our lives. When I found out often that my alcoholic would not rather have me around when the disease was in operation it humbled me because I thought I was important enough for her to quit because I was in her life....an example of "stinking thinking" Al-Anon style. What is also humbling is the realization that "I" chose my situation and without consistent "other" behavior programing such as "working" this program in all of my affairs I was doomed to duplicate it over and over and over again...I did just that while expecting different results. Al-Anon is another way of living on purpose and I didn't "just get" it because. I had to sit, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice...just as I still do today.

I am a double...meaning I am in both programs. One of my sponsees from the "other" program just relapsed. I am so glad for my membership in Al-Anon and so is he cause I don't make it worse and don't take responsiblility for the relapse and what comes next. He is grateful that he is embraced with empathy, love and compassion and doesn't have someone sitting on his back adding weight while demanding that he get sober and stay that way. Relapse is destructing to the mind, the body, the spirit and emotions. My sponsee looks like he would like to lay down and just die after coming from a relapse which almost just killed him. He has a diagnosis of severe pancreatitis (relapsed for about 2 to 3 weeks) and 2 weeks were spent in the hospital on a diet of ice cubes. He looks like death warmed over and he is a precious child of God. To Punish him would be to punish myself and to drive me farther away from the true nature of this disease.

A relapse is a horrible event...mind boggling and humiliating. Best way I can help is to continue to understand, be supportive and work my own recovery while letting God direct the entire show. Don't self sponsor...ask someone else...especially the old timer.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I stalked my sponsor too. I attended a meeting every day until I found her. It turned out to be a good idea. I needed more meetings and I got a temporary sponsor. That was years ago and she still is my "temporary" sponsor. We laugh about it now. I am so glad I did it. Good luck to you!

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Relapse is part of the disease..... it's tough....... on everyone

My son relapsed recently, after 9 months dry, I knew before he told me. I knew by his withdrawal from contact. Its a set pattern now.

He phoned recently to say sorry, sorry because he knew we would be worried he had disappeared, sorry for being a disappointment.......sorry about this that and the next thing. I told him I was disappointed, but not WITH him, only FOR him. He does a good enough job of beating himself up, I can only remind him he is loved and that the doors of AA are never closed.

He ranted and railed about all that has befallen him since he went back out and how he needs to stop again..... I didnt engage other than to encourage him to go back to the places that help him and keep away from the people, places and things that feed his disease. He knows the score.....

Al-anon stops me relapsing into old behaviours...... I struggle badly some days but it works if I work it.

Take care of you

In support

((((((hugs))))))

Ness

ythannah · Senior Member

You guys are the awesomest!

Jerry, you are soooo right that he really doesn't want me around right now, he's often mentioned how ashamed he is of drinking. That just made it all clearer for me. I really don't WANT to take the time to drive all the way to his place, possibly visit with him for 5 minutes if he's passed out or gets verbally abusive and I have to leave, then drive all the way home. Even if he's awake and semi-coherent, hanging out with a drunk isn't my cup of tea. So, for both our sakes, it's better this way.

He is pretty good about keeping in contact by phone or email. If he goes incommunicado for long enough, I do have to go there and check for a pulse (and make sure his dog is cared for).

And I know it's my own fault for getting hung up on the obvious lies. I was originally supposed to drive down to the US tomorrow to pick up some building materials, and ABF was coming with me. He's still trying to tell me that he's coming along although I have said several times "Only if you're sober" and he maintains that he will be. It just kills me to hear him say "I promise" when I know that, even if he stops drinking this minute, he's still got a few days of painful withdrawal ahead and won't be making any road trips. And it kills me to pretend to go along with his delusion and say, "Yep, looking forward to it". But -- that's on me to deal with -- MY stuff.

I know what you mean, Ness, he does an excellent job of beating himself up. Sometimes all he can say on the phone is "I'm sorry". To heap further recrimination on him would be like kicking a puppy.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes more than a shot of nyquil to have a relapse. My thought is there must have been a whole lot of stuff leading up to that relaspe. The relapse ends with the drink. When I was actively drinking, I used to chug 2 bottles of nyquil every time I had a cold. It was my liquor of choice for when I was sick. I would have to be a fool to take that stuff now that I am in AA. I'm guessing he knows better too.

None of that matters as far as you are concerned though. Sounds like you are doing all the right things for you. A detached "I am praying for you and I hope you go back to AA and pick up a white chip" would be my suggestion but you know him better than me and perhaps no contact while he is on a binge is best.

ythannah · Senior Member

Not that it makes any difference, but from what he told me it was three consecutive nights of using the Nyquil and then the craving hit him on Saturday. But who knows what the truth is?

He is certainly aware that it contains alcohol. This man knows everything that contains alcohol, including mouthwash and flavoured baking extracts -- because he's resorted to them all in times of desperation. We all got free samples of some new mouthwash in the mail and he promptly gave me his, saying he didn't think he should have it sitting around the house.

There has been a bit more going on recently. He has been complaining of persistent low-grade depression for about the past 3 months or so. When we first met almost 3 years ago he was on a very low dose SSRI but stopped that within about a year, and his psychiatrist closed his file as he was no longer in need of service. Beyond asking casually, "Do you think you might need to go back on anti-depressants for a bit?" (which he denied) I have been careful to stop myself from going into Fixer mode with his stuff and let him manage his own mental health. But, of course, like most As he has a healthy dose of "terminal uniqueness" and has mentioned several times that what he really needs is psychoanalysis to sort out his problems.

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