Hello ((((Otie))))

I am so sorry. I have been in that situation numerous times. Mainly with family but the most recent was with a man who needed to "get on his feet" ... which did not happen until I booted his behind off my couch One of the hardest practices for me to work on was clarifying, building and enforcing my boundaries and defining consequences when my boundaries are crossed.

My experience has taught me
A. I am no longer the patient nice person I used to be, which actually means I accept and believe my needs count as much if not more than other's needs.
B. I most likely will not be taking in anyone again unless it is a way for me to repay the kindness I recieved when I needed it, which means probably a person within the program or with longstanding referrals I trust.
C. If I do for some unimaginable reason .... I will pull out my funny list of boundaries and household rules ... if you can live within them great if not then don't bother. And no three strikes rule here, my boundaries and guidelines are not very hard to follow if the person has any thoughts of anyone but themselves.

My boundary and guideline to how I live and expect others to if they live with me are pretty simple practices of cleanliness, consideration and respect. And honoring the agreed upon fee or service for housing. Depending on the who has been, over time my list has changed ... once when my exBIL stayed for about a year I left a note with my expectations and boundaries. It included no drinking, no drugs, basic considerations of cleanliness and letting me know if he was gonna disappear for days at a time. At the very bottom I put one odd request ... it said .. I do not pee standing up, everyone else here does, wipe off the toilet once a day. I guess my exAH and exBIL laughed over that one all day but you know I had a clean toilet that whole year. Of course as soon as he moved out my exAH stopped wiping off the toilet LOL Should have made another list. It is your home, your safe place and you are offering to help someone if they truly want and need the help they will be just fine with having to follow some boundaries, I was when I needed it. Hope the frustrations of my experiences help you in some way, sending lots of love and prayers.

Jen

One of the issues has to be that a significant proportion of people who are not "on their feet" are in need for a reason -- because they have addictions, dysfunctions, problems handling everyday life.  Even people who are in recovery often have to focus on themselves at the expense of being there for other people.  So this is probably the population that has the least chance of being able to reciprocate and "pay you back" for your help.  I would guess that, like alcoholics, confronting them would probably not get through and just end up frustrating you.  It sounds as if that's what is happening.

I hope you can take good care of yourself.  That may mean closing your house to this kind of person.  Heaven knows it's hard enough to get along with family members and people you've vowed to love and cherish forever!  Much less needy people with big personal problems. 

I hope you have some supportive Al-Anon meetings and maybe a sponsor.  It looks as if this is a situation in which you get to practice your new recovery behavior.

I  just got out of a situation like this.  My A had his brother staying with us every other weekend when he had his kids.  These children were terribly misbehaved at no fault of their own.  My house was chaos.  

My sister was staying with me but due to two deaths in our family and poor skills has been staying with the rest of our very emotionally sick family.  All of her belongings are being stored at my house.

I have had my boundaries crossed many times.  I have not had anyone every allow me to stay with them, as it would interfere with their lives and they had the ability to state that in a kind way.  In doing that I was required to be more capable and haven't asked anything of anyone in years.

I now do the favor for people that was done for me.  I allow others to do what they need to do for themselves.  I am not a crutch for anyone.

I find people in need of a place to live are lacking something or they wouldn't be in that position.  That may sound harsh but from my experience it is so.  They deal with addiciton or the effects of addiction, poor childhoods they never recovered from, lack of ambition, or a belief they are entitled to name a few.

Regardless of the reason, people don't stay with me anymore.  I don't have to feel bad about doing what is right for me and that of my children.  I give of myself when I have the time, ability and mindset to do so.  Me giving is really on my watch now, not on other peoples.

oh Otie, boy do I relate. I have had more than one tenant be mad at ME becuz i wanted them to pay the rent!

We don't relate becuz we are not like that. Been there and this is when I tell them to leave.

Of course they are users, it's what they do. Hon your first clue was, here you are young in your grieving from your loss and they put upon you!! They are preying on you. You are or were too sick to see this.

Same old thing hon, we teach others how to treat us. When a person loses their spouse its like losing a part of your body. I don't believe we make good decisions and feel we need to not make any big decisions for awhile.

I understand we made need/have to. But I learned to be nice to myself, take care of me. I was so tired Otie. All of a sudden naps were so darn important!

Hon you are a raw open wound! NO ONE should be fighting with you for petes sake. you are in no condition to put up with this.

I don't know your state, but in Oregon there are Landlord Tenant laws. If you allow them to move in, you have to evict them! Its costly and stressful.

If I were you I would pray they don't know their rights and either pack their stuff and put it outside, or tell them to be out by whatever day.NOT telling you what to do.

I am very concerned as I sure remember how you feel inside. I had rented my home out so I would not lose it Otie. They ended up being meth addicts, she was pg, I evicted them, and next thing ya know I am delivering her baby on the front porch of my house! NOT kidding.

Nightmare. I could not handle it either. I am so sad you are in this dilemma. Otie you are the only one who can change it.

I don't even celebrate Mother's Day but I loved it when my kiddo's called me. Have you shared with them what you need? I finally told my kids. I mean what I want for presents when they want to get me something. I tell them what I need. to please call me once a week or so.

Told my son I am old. It was like he just could not accpet that.He finally did and omgosh did most of my moving, put my fence up and set my w and d up. So I honestly believe we have to let people know what we need. Talking about your kiddos.

I am going nuts up here with excitement from all the animals! I have soooo many birds its a trip! I mean huge blue ones and orange ones! Then two morning doves showed up today! AND these two cute little chipmunks came to the step right outside my slider to eat! one has tics on it so now I am borrowing a little trap to trap it and get the tics off. I hope it doesn't bite the uno what out of me! I cannot stand seeing it like that!.

Hon I want you to be in a healthy healing environment. Its been 30 years since I lose my first husband to death. My second my ex AH to me is dead since he woke up from surgery not the same person. Horrible. But here I am still grieving both. BUT I do my best to be nice to me. I don't over do. Get myself flowers and seeds to plant, feeding my heart.

I prayed and prayed to be able to keep all my dogs with me in a house not my car or a tent, or rv. And here they are!

Am so glad you came here and shared this. Wish I could invite you over to get out of there to lay here and listen to the river and watch the animals. Just eat warm and good stuff and watch movies. Make ya chamomile tea.

Well you know i care about you. Hope you keep coming and letting it out.

Give me your address, i will be your advocate and get them out of there! love,deb