The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Gang. I always feel bad when I get this way and it's hard for me to offer support, yet I come here begging for it.
So I told the abf that we really need some time apart, not just a breather for a week, but a decent amount of time to work on ourselves and see if we really miss each other and want to be together. I told him that we cannot work on our addictions together. It hasn't worked so far.
Once again I got flimflammed. We can be nice for a few days and back to the stupid arguments. I feel I have grown up and learned "grown up" tools for talking or not talking about things. He continues to try to drag me down to his petty level.
It doesn't work so much anymore, but I still end up falling for the, "I will put you down for not being happy with everything everyday" (basically discounting my feelings) to a couple days later with the "you are the mature one and know how to handle things and are the best thing that happened to me". Probably because I am the best thing that he will ever have and he knows it. He is afraid to lose me and I am afraid to lose him to a lesser extent. If he would leave me alone and let me break up with him, I would be ok. But he keeps up the game and I am still playing.
I am not into the HP part so much, but I am starting to realize that maybe that is where I can get my strength. More work indeed.
I have been in a cycle like that with my exAH and it is hard to not take them up on the invite to argue or over explain. I had to take time apart just to step off the crazy train and learn to focus on myself for once. One thing I realized when I left was I had a lot of work to do within me. It has been good for me. Keep working the program and try to make meetings if you can. I am reading The 12 Steps for Adult Children right now, it has been a great read thus far. Good job coming here to vent and keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I don't think we would be normal if we did not cycle through feelings and bounce back and forth. I felt that way when I was in my first year of the program. Life is still in session. To me I can look back on periods of my recovery and I can see where events I put myself in were all perfectly constructed so that I would have enough pain so that I would finally fully rely on God. It sounds like Step 2 problem as it says "could" not "would" restore us to sanity. As I grew closer and closer to my HP, my moments of insanity would have a shorter duration. They still come, but do not last as long when I use the tools of the program.
You're taking some time apart to see how the relationship feels when you have perspective. It sounds as if he's providing you with information about his relationship skills. It's frustrating when they don't live up to our hopes. Been There Done That! My response was always to try to talk them into being healthier. If that had ever worked, it would have been great! I gradually came to realize that if they'd been healthy enough to understand why I was trying to work with them as I was, I wouldn't have needed to have the conversation in the first place.
Of course when we really take in where they are in their lives, we tend to have strong emotions about it -- disappointment, sadness, grief, anger... Avoiding those emotions was my specialty. It sounds as if you're further along in your journey. Take good care of yourself.
My sponsor was so good at reminding me, that every time I take someone else's inventory, I am taking my own.
Now that we are in recovery, we are responsible for ourselves and our experiences. There is no one else to blame for our misery. We are not victims anymore, unless we choose to be. We are volunteers. You are not alone, you're in good company. I did it too. I did it until I got sick. Literally.
I applaud you for suggesting time off. I have several books about breaking your addiction to a person, one book suggests a ONE MONTH separation. No contact whatsoever for one month. Then the couple comes back together to see if they want to continue.
If you don't already have one, I strongly suggest you get a sponsor... you need to be held accountable. Having a sponsor is an important tool to our recovery. For me, I needed to phone her when I was tempted to contact him. She helped me get through the withdrawal.
For me, I can be aware of my situation, I can even accept it... but until I ACT differently.... until I practice a different behavior... nothing changes. I have to ACT my way through recovery. Remember the definition of insanity, sweetie... it's doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Practice something different. He is NOT going to change.
With love in recovery ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 9th of May 2011 08:53:32 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I just wanted to thank you all. I feel funny getting a sponsor as I haven't really been a regular at a meeting so much. I am practicing the program on and off (big part of my problem). But I do believe that that certain person would be a lifesaver when I feel like I am in the contacting mode. It is so hard, as you all know, to cut it off. I am ok not contacting. I can go days not answering phone calls when he knows I don't want to talk. I can block him from my phones and emails. He always turns up. I end up giving in to the constant "harrassment" or answering the door.
What is his problem? Why won't he leave me alone? Why can't he just go away when I tell him to? Because he knows he can weasel his way back in if he tries hard enough.
That book sounds good flop, can't ever remember how to spell your name.
You all make very good points and that is why I come here.
Yeah back and forth. And yes, I know why I wouldn't have needed the conversation in the first place, over and over again insanely.
Here is what I learned to do, Lori... turn-around statements. Turn your statements about HIM around to YOU....
"What is my problem? Why won't I ever leave him alone? Why can't I just go away? Why do I weasel my way back? or... WHY DO I LET HIM weasel his way back?"
Turn-around statements put the responsibility back where it belongs. Your happiness is your responsibility, not his. This is very good news!!!
It never helped me to stay attached to my sad story... and my story was sad. Many people "felt sorry" for me after my divorce and losing the house to foreclosure and then, the economy crashed and we lost most of our investments. I walked away from a 26-year marriage with very little. And I stayed in self-pity for a very long time, clinging to my story.... "This shouldn't be happening!" and "I shouldn't have to experience this!" and "God is unjust" ... blah, blah, blah.
Eventually someone told me, "Hey Gladlee, I've got news for ya..... victims do not recover."
I didn't like her much after that, lol. But it finally moved me into action, I sat myself in the middle of the fellowship, started the steps again with a new sponsor and went to as many meetings as I could. It changed me and my life. Today, I consider her one of my angels.
Own your behavior in the relationship because it takes two to do the dance. If you don't like the dance, you gotta stop dancing, sweetie. Take a look at step one, see your powerlessness. The steps are a beautiful road to self-discovery and will help you to practice something different. A sponsor will gladly guide you through it, and then, one day, with all your experience and understanding of addiction and codependency, YOU will guide someone through the darkness too. That is how this brilliant program works.
You can do it, Lori, and you don't even have to do it alone... you've got a fellowship walking the journey with you. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
There are two powerful one liners in our Alanon literature that struck a chord with me. They are:
"There are no victims, just volunteers" I didn't like that saying at first. I really relate to it now.
"......true forgiveness is giving up on any notion of a better past"
Sometimes the readings in our literature are a real B****. I have come to realize that which offends me, probably are the things that most speak to me.
I really listened to what you said glad lee. I got the apology email after the fight email that I received 2 days ago.
I responded today by saying that I am sticking up for myself and I want the month break with no contact (as someone else said). That the situation isn't healthy for me anymore.
I am going to work very hard to stick to my guns this time and I think I can with the support of my friends including you all. I am going to refuse any "last time" contact.
And yes, sometimes the "harshest" things are what we need to hear to snap us back into gear.
I stated my feelings loud and clear and now I just have to back them up.
