The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel good that I've had enough holidays since my exAH left now, that I am able to make them whatever I want. Spent the day with my younger two, brought sandwiches to my parents, went on a walk. ExAH sent me a text and dropped off a card. I accepted them as the nice gestures they were. Over all, it was simple. Nice. At the end of the day, I dropped the kids off with their dad so they could spend some time with the other side of thier family. I felt it was important to them and thier grandma. ExAH extended the invite to me as well, and though his family loves me and it could have been an okay time, I declined. Then, I went for a run and to alanon. My gifts to me.
My older son went to a concert the night before. Spent the night in the city and chose not to come home until 6:00 pm Sat. He got back into town hours before that. When he got home, with the exception of a comment I made about something unrelated, I was able to keep my mouth shut before leaving to do my thing. A big deal for me. He did say Happy Mothers Day and I said thanks. When I got back, my son seemed to be feeling some guilt, tried to make small talk, hugged me from behind and wished me a happy mothers day. This was at 9:00 at night.
Though I handled it well, I feel myself fighting me. I'm pleased with my behavior, but do not feel done. I am not going to be able to stay silent for long. Just this past week, I paid $200 to get him a tux and go to prom. When he went to the concert, I gave him $30, for I hated the thought of him being in the city without money in case of an emergency. Of course, there was no emergency, and not only did he not have any change to give me, he didn't even have enough to get me a card. Nor did he think enough to come home and mow the lawn, or even think to send me a mother's day text. Nothing. Of course, I did this the same week that he told me his friend's mom was more of a mom to him than I ever was. He tries to manipulate and hurt, and he succeeds.
Please know, it is not the day. It is the resentments I hold over something I set myself up for. I choose to do those things for him. It is all that it represents. It is anger I have at myself. Fighting my "mother urge" verses my enabling behavior. Its not really knowing what to do, but knowing I have to say something. I know there is middle ground between staying silent and letting loose, and I dont know how to do it. The unsettled feeling is what has me typing here at 3:30 in the morning.
I know the answer is in alanon. As I type this, I have an alanon speaker running in the background. Funny, in that with this particular speaker, as he tells his story of his past and feeling different and unloved, I hear my son. In his story of recovery, I also hear words for me, "There is nothing in this world that you can't let go of", and "God can". The answer for me lies in letting my Higher Power in. Though I have felt the presence and experienced the work of his hands the past few years, something has still kept me resisting, insistent that I am on my own. I am not alone, and for now need to imagine Him next to me with His hand covering my mouth. I need to keep remembering that He can do for my what I cannot do for myself.
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 9th of May 2011 06:39:36 AM
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Your awareness is awesome and I hear you working your program here, good job! I have a 13 year old and she has gotten a bit more difficult this year, but I love her through it and try to remember how hard it was for me when I was a teenager. Don't give into the guilt, it sounds like you are doing great!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thanks so much Lou. I loved how you took care of yourself first. You are demonstrating for others how to do the next right thing when a day isnt as pleasant as one would have liked. That is recovery in action!
I have to confess that I never "got" it about how much Mother's Day meant to my mother until after she died. I found letters in which she described what we did on Mother's Day. I always gave her a card but almost never anything more. I don't know if she was disappointed or if she didn't really care that much, even now. But anyway, it wasn't because I didn't love her -- it just wasn't on my radar. Sometimes I think if we want people to do this or that, we have to make it really clear to them (in a kind way).
It sounds as if on the one hand you know the saying about "Expectations are premeditated resentments" (or however it goes), and on the other hand your mind is adding up the scoreboard: "I did this and spent that and all I got was..." Of course your son loves you and would no matter whether you had given him extra money or helped out with this or that, because your being his mother is so much bigger than that. Kids and teenagers, though... they're sort of a one-way street most of the time, aren't they?
I'm just musing -- again, it sounds as if you have a lot of awareness. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Dear Loupiness, WOW do I understand how you feel about this! As a mother, myself, who has faced the same situation, I feel compelled to respond to you. A mother can understand another mothers' pain on feeling taken for granted.
Now, I predict that my response is going to go against the tide of most of the other others on this board.
I feel that as a mother, I have every right to express my human feelings to my children. When they are teenagers, they are still in the learning process and learning from family how to deal with others and develop empathy.. Boys, especially need to be taught how to respond to the emotional side of others. It prepares them to be more sensitive to the needs of their own partner someday.
I always told my children when I felt hurt by their actions or self-centerdness. How else are they going to become aware. I felt much better (less angry) by getting my honest feeling out. Guess what---they would invariably respond in some way to compensate for their thoughtlessness. IMPORTANT POINT---they felt increased self esteem when they saw me happy (as a result of their own actions)
The trick is in HOW the feelings are shared. The old addage about not criticizing, but, using "I" statements to describe your own feelings is useful. The idea is not to punish, but to share and teach. This has had a good outcome when I have had the wherewithall to use it. Like, maybe, the two of you can do something alone together later this week--go get icream together, play a game of acrabble.....etc.
Another poster just said that teenagers seem like a one-way street most of the time. This is true. Agonizingly true. They often seem like the definition of narcissism. Our difficult task is to teach them and lead the into maturity.
I am still struggling with my adult children---so I don't want to come across as a know-it-all. I just want to share.
Good luck, Loopiness!
respectfully, otie
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 9th of May 2011 09:49:17 AM
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 9th of May 2011 09:56:26 AM
