Welcome Sienna!

I'm so sorry for your plight! 

Your post addresses one the consequences of having an alcoholic spouse. 

Your emotions are understandable.  I'm glad you found this board.  Please keep coming back for support.  There are many wonderful members here that will offer support. 

((((((((Sienna))))))))))) I'm so sorry you for what you are going through, my heart goes out to you as well. Please stick around, I'm glad you found us. I'm currently in the middle of having to sell our house as a result of this awful disease and what it does...and how my denial and hope and wishful thinking and lack of using my brain cause me to make some bad decisions. All we can do is learn, stick to our program, and continue to grow, and live one day at a time.

Take care of yourself,
Danielle

Sienna,

I have face much stress due to my partners addiction and had to carry the load which brought me to my knees.  I had to then try and learn how to love and care for me which I had not been doing always worryig about hm and others.  Halt is a good one in times of stress our you hungrey, angrey lonely or tired.  If so address these needs you need to be healthy to face your challenges.  I have been off work with depression and stress , there is a lot of change going on in my life that I do not have much control over and I do not know what the outcome will be.  I have been reading lots of alanon literature around the first three steps.  It helps me to realise that HP is with me especially when bad things are happening, he wants the best for me and I really have to believe that these thingsare part of his plan and everything is going to be o.k.  I have found when really bad stuff happens something good normally follows.  He only gives us as much as we can handle.  You never know this could be your partners rock bottom.

 

Keep in touch with Hp and all your al anon friends

hugs tracy xxxx

Sienna:

I hope that you return to this post to read what Mattie and tommeycat posted. I had no clue that there was such a thing as a "post-nup." I would have gotten something like that while still married to my husband.

Arranging a low-monthly payment is a great suggestion. My two siblings have gotten themselves into financial messes over the years; they've found ways to continue to live in decent apartments. I don't know too much about this because it's none of my business.

Talking with lawyers is a good idea. Many have free consultations. That I do know.

Continue to take care of yourself. Never give up hope! Never!

Thank all of you for the kind welcome and thoughts. My attorney will be filing my divorce next week. This was the final event for me. I am grateful that no one else was injured. I was the biggest enabler until 15 years ago. I never thought about his drinking as a problem for sooooo many years. He was just a fun person to be around, everyone enjoyed his company, he never missed work and, of course, I was so busy 'taking care of everything' and getting my fix. When I started getting worn out being the fixer and the designated driver for every event, family get together, etc., I began to realize that his drinking was a problem. I first went to private counseling as I was so unhappy, and asked my AH to attend counseling with me. As soon as the subject of alcoholism was brought up (2nd visit), he never returned to counseling. The best gift I ever gave myself was to continue counseling and focus on myself, and to realize my role as an enabler.

Eventually I found an Al Anon group that was wonderful, but it is 2 hours away (the local groups I attended simply didn't feel like a good fit to me). Anyway, it took me some time to change my ways. When I began setting boundaries and sticking to them the marriage started crumbling. I refused to attend parties and his family functions where drinking was involved. At first he would get rides home from friends and family, or take taxis. His family tried to pressure me to take care of him - they all told me how mean I was - they were getting tired of driving him home and giving him a ride the next day to get his car. They sure wanted me to continue the enabling. He finally started driving himself. There were many arguments about that, so the next step for me was telling him if he continued to drink and drive we couldn't live together and he had to move out. I was hoping that would be his wake up call to get help. Obviously it wasn't.

When I heard about the accident, I thought that this would finally, after all these years, be the wake up call for him to seek help. As I sat in the hospital and listened to him talk, I realized nothing, NOTHING, had changed. His first worry was whether or not he would be arrested for DUI. He wasn't - I don't have a clue why he wasn't. Then his talking was all about how hurt he was, how difficult HIS life was going to be during recuperation. Not a word, not one single word, about being sorry or remorseful for what he'd done. He doesn't care about the worry and hurt to our grown children, the grandchildren, family and friends. He doesn't care about the financial burden of his actions. When we were advised about the exclusion of health coverage, he said he was sure that I could appeal it and somehow 'fix' this. That's when I said it's over, that he would have to figure this all out on his own as I was filing for a divorce. It was finally my own wake up call.

My divorce attorney advised me that I will be jointly liable for his hospital bills. I don't know about any other area, but here the hospitals do not accept a $10/month payment forever - not when there are assets such as savings and a home. They are vigorous and relentless in bill collection. Although we have a small mortgage on my home of 20+ years, to get his name off of the home I will have to remortgage. My attorney advised me that the hospital could claim fraudulent transfer of assets in order to evade payment. My attorney had also never heard of that health insurance exclusion - no one I've talked to has ever heard of that. After I got the letter of denial of coverage, and a copy of the policy, there is no appeal - the language is very precise. The insurance company told me that exclusion clause exists so that people will stop drinking or taking drugs. If only it were that easy to get a person to stop. While I understand the insurance company's motive for these exclusions, I sure wish that it was widely advertised and every spouse of an A knew about it. Had I only known, I would have divorced a long time ago.

I'm old enough to retire, even though I can't afford to, and didn't expect to any time soon. This added financial burden and the thought of becoming homeless terrifies me. It's too late for me, but I hope my story will help others to become fully informed of all legal and financial rammifications.

 

 

Aloha Sienna and I hope you stick around to listen and learn and teach especially on the subject of being aware...everyone here who is affected by the alcoholic needs to have the heads up regarding the What If's.   Yes Insurance Companies...and others who can be caught with the debt caused by alcoholism have clauses that exclude them from being left with the bills; hospitals included.   We need to read the print...all of it, small and large, black and red and to also ask what if questions of those who supply the services.

I had lenders attempt to hit me up for payment for debts I was jointly held responsible with the alcoholic in the past and I would direct them back to the alcoholic and also to pick up the asset securing the debt rather than go after my assets.  I cancled accounts that the alcoholic had found benefit from and attempted to keep doing so after we were separated.  I had given all suppliers notice and paid for an ad in local news papers that "I was no longer responsible for the debts of she and myself."  Once posted the service could not collect from me or garnish my wages or attach my bank accounts.   I also closed our joint bank accounts and mostly that was too late as the disease had already withdrawn most of it to keep running. 

Enabling myself to recover and protect myself was the best enabling I could learn.

Keep going to your meetings, coming back here and hanging on to the coat tails of your Higher Power and Sponsor.   In support (((((hugs)))))

I think a legal separation takes care of any bills he may have , even while you were married. There are ways out of it.

Good luck to you, really search out your avenues that you have as some have already stated above.

Bettina

My state doesn't recognize legal separation ... here, you're married or you aren't.

I would encourage you to talk to a lawyer in your state. I am an insurance lawyer in Texas. I deal with mostly commercial general liability policies, but I do have homeowner's insurance stuff once in a while. I've seen a couple of cases where there was arson by one spouse, which homeowner's insurance does not cover - but a way to get it paid through insurance under something called the "innocent spouse rule." There is some Texas law that says that one spouse should not be punished for the other spouse's criminal acts. There may be something like that in your state. It is worth checking into.