The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this site last weekend, and everyone support has been truly great. But I feel incredibly guilty because my friend hurt himself on Thursday night/Friday morning after getting behind the wheel.
Long story short, I've tried reaching out to him about his drinking, he's lied about seeing a therapist (I think he has, he says he goes but I don't believe it). I've told him I don't want him drinking around me anymore. In the past week, he's nagged me to go out iwht him three times to the bar, adn every time I've refused, and I told him that I would be a friend to him in every way possible, even socially, so long as there was no alcohol involved. He sort of shut me out, which I was ready to accept.
Then, on Thursday night/Friday morning he invited me out. I said no. He was going out with some of his coworkers right after work, around 5:30. At about 11:00 he said he was out at the bar drinking alone because his coworkers went home. I didn't respond. Ten minutes later, he asked me to meet him out. I had a feeling it wasn't so much because he wanted me there, it was because he wanted to once again use me as his crash-pad. I declined. At about 2:00 in the morning, there was a knock at my apartment door. He let himself into the building (I gave him the access code to the front door because I felt like it would be a helpful thing to do from a "good friend" standpoint).
I asked why he was at my door at 2am. He said that he was drunk and wanted to crash. I told him I couldn't continue to validate his drinking, and that he couldn't stay at my place. I told him to call the friends he was out with until the wee hours of the morning and stay with them. He said OK.
Instead of doing that, he got behind the wheel of his car and drove him. His car hit the median of the highway. His car was totaled, and he was in surgery for quite a while yesterday with a skull fracture and a broken leg. He'll make it and he'll be OK, but I feel incredibly guilty. I was the person he reached out too. This morning, I was at the hospital and so was his parents and sister, (his sister and I have talked about the excessive drinking before and she's tried to intervene as well). They got the cell phone company to unlock his phone the night before and the last messages going out of his phone were from him to his coworker saying that he had to stay with them because I refused to let him stay with me. His parents suggested I leave so they could help his son get better.
I feel incredibly guilty. However, I don't necessarily feel responsible... if that makes sense. I've tried so many times to get him help, I've tried to reach out to his family and they've been unsuccssesful. I thought I was doing the right thing by not being an enabler, but I keep getting this feeling that tells me if I wasn't such a douchebag and just let him spend the night, this never would have happened.
Aloha Dan...It's really dangerous to second guess yourself after doing the best you could with what you had then. It's also dangerous to the the "what if's" if you won't do the "what if not's" in the same frame of time. You might be the only person standing in the spot light while everyone points their fingers at you and does the "Al-Anon" finger wagging...one pointing out, three pointing back and the whole bit going up and down, up and down...bleah!! Good for you on the responsibility question...great. You might or might not have or could have done something different and that's past now...time for acceptance for the fact of the situation. Had he not drank? you might not have found MIP. Tell him thanks the next time you see him and give him the hot line number for AA in your town. Hug him...turn him over to God and come join us in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon...also in your town. Keep coming back to MIP so that we can work on recovery as a group.
Dan, I understand the feeling guilty although not responsible thing. I agree with Jerry, it's dangerous to second guess yourself here. What's done is done, it's over. Bottom line (in my opinion, for what it's worth)-this happened because of his choice, he chose to drink and drive. Please don't beat yourself up over this. And please, keep coming back.
However, it was his choice to drink and then to drive drunk. That`s on him, no one else.
It could just as easily have happened on his way over to your place, or even earlier in the evening. And there are plenty of other options to prevent driving drunk besides finding a hospitable place to crash, like taking a cab or getting a ride with someone sober.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I am very sorry to hear what happened. I can understand that guilt. I have to think that God is in the miracle business here that your friend survived the accident. Sometimes we cannot understand why things happen, however, perhaps this accident is the motivating thing for your friend to get help. No matter how horrible an experience is, it can be a valuable one if you are open to it.
This too shall pass. I think you were acting in your best interest and your decision was a solid one. Your friend must deal with the consequences of their actions and choices. It is not your fault.
Dan, I can only echo what others have said - you were NOT at fault! HE got himself drunk, HE drove, HE had an accident whilst under the influence. If it had not happened that night, it would have happened another time. HE got himself in this mess.
So pleased you found this board - as I have found, the support is awesome.
You did the best you could in that situation. You had no idea what was going to happen. You didn't get him drunk. I know it's hard not to feel guilty but this could have happened at any time and any place. Christy may be right, this might be his rock bottom for him. Be gentle on yourself. Please keep coming back to us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
-- Edited by Karilynn on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 09:00:21 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
