The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
6 months ago I moved out of the house I lived in with my ABF. I am on the title, the mortgage. 5 months ago I stopped going to F2F alanon meetings. Many reasons for this, none of which matter really.
My ABF and I were still 'seeing' each other all this time. Meanwhile, my boundaries are getting more and more fuzzy and unclear. I'm accepting more and more bad and truly horrific behavior from him, brushing it off as 'he's upset' and 'he's just working through his feelings'.
The name calling, the blaming, blame-shifting, the bad-mouthing of me from his family and friends, the lack of respect, the two-faced behavior, the control, the drugs, the manipulation, and anger ebbed and flowed, back and forth, throughout the past few months. Some days were decent. Most days were not.
He would come over after he had been at the bar, or at a friends house who had made it clear that I was not welcome. He went to these friends houses anyway and made excuses for them and their cruel remarks.
How can someone have so many 'friends' (I quote it because I wonder how many of them would be there in a crisis) and yet I can't make it work with him? This baffles me and makes me wonder if something is wrong with me.
He has all the outward signs of success - money, material things, a busy social life - he is not a typical drunk who can't go to work in the morning - and I am not a typical enabler who lays out his clothes for him and makes sure he gets there on time. The type of job he has is so very flexible so that if he wants to sleep one off, he can without anyone really noticing.
I moved again this past weekend. The circumstances are irrelevant really, but it was the right thing for me to do. My ABF said he would help me, however knowing his level of commitment, I hired two people to help me also. My friend who I thank God for was there as well. That day, when I asked if he could help move some of the bigger things, my wonderful ABF said "xxxx THAT - you hired people to do that" disappeared, went home and drank himself drunk for 3 hours until I called wondering where he was. He eventually came back and moved a few things that were left. Sunday was worse - he sat on my couch all day and drank most of the alcohol in my house while watching TV and talking on the phone telling everyone that he was helping me move. I was working to put things away, empty boxes, move things, while he was raising his glass to me saying 'get me another drink' and pleading for sex.
I was so revolted by both his and my own behavior that I actually felt nauseated when he put his clammy, drunk mouth on mine on Sunday afternoon trying to open mouth kiss me and get me in bed.
Right now, unfortunately, I am at an all time low. I don't think I've felt this hopeless and desparate ever in my life. Of course, if I try to tell him that, I am met with blame shifting and rejection. He tells me all I do is bring him down and I don't appreciate him. If someone tells you you're an unlovable piece of 'xxxx' for long enough, I guess you start to believe you're an unlovable piece of 'xxxx'. Of course, he would say that he treats me like a princess and that no one could ever please me. Therein lies my complete confusion. If someone tells you you're wrong for long enough, I guess you start to believe you're wrong.
What do I do? I have no family here at all. I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there for some undetermined amount of time. I feel like if I fell off the face of the earth that there would be two people that would notice. Well, three people that would notice, two that would care.
I am as much afraid of being with him as I am of afraid of being without him. This keeps me in a place of limbo that is helping me waste what's left of my life. my spirit. my willingness to go on. I fail to see a real reason to get up in the morning except to keep my job.
Just looking for some validation here I guess. Support. Acceptance. Things I haven't felt in such a very long time.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 8th of May 2011 12:56:09 AM
If only we could convince our qualifiers of their obvious wrongness, they would change their ways and the validation we seek from them would bring us the happiness we are searching for.
Is that kind of how you feel? I don't like to admit it, but it's a fair articulation of how I have felt and still feel sometimes. People treat us the way we let them treat us, whatever our excuse is as long as we let people treat us badly we really can only blame ourselves.
Support, acceptance, it's all here, I have found more then I could ever ask for in my F2F meetings, but it is also important to find it in ourselves for ourselves.
You do not say why you have stopped your meetings but my sponsor once told me if you miss your weekly meeting you will become Weak. I have nearly gone insane living with alcoholism only al ano has given me some sanity. I am ;lucky I do hav a good family and frinds close by however they do not understad I have learnt the hard way only the people in al anon understand me regarding the effects that alcoholism has had on me. I am not with my partner at the moment but I go to al ano for me. I love my meetings and feel so much better whe I come home. Do you have any al anon literature or any phone numbers of memebers from your old meeting?? You do not say how long you attended al anon for, I hope you can take advantage of this wonderful programme it really is the best medicne if you have been affected by someone elses drinking
In Al-Anon, we generally abstain from giving advice, but I always make one exception to that, and that's the advice to get to some meetings.
I moved to Hawaii (from the Denver area! Aloha!) with my now exAH. He was the ONLY person I knew out here when I moved. I didn't know anyone but him. In fact, I'd never even been to Hawaii even for a visit, but when the exAH asked me to "jump" I was willing to pick up move 3000+ miles from home just to be with him. He was supposed to be my "everything", of course. That was my flawed pre-Al-Anon logic. I didn't realize how unrealistic it was of me to expect any one person to by my "everything".
The story's long, but eventually I made it into Al-Anon. I was really serious about learning how to take care of myself and protect myself (my exAH was also verbally and emotionally abusive.) When I heard the words "get a sponsor and start working the steps", I did exactly that. I'm blessed that I picked one of the "winners" as my sponsor (at least, in my humble opinion, she's a winner.) Eventually, I started to look forward to my meetings because all I received there was love, understanding, support and lots of hugs if I needed them. The miraculous thing was this introverted, shy girl typing on this keyboard right now actually started to make friends. Lots of friends. Friends with whom I'd actually get out and do things. Eventually, the friends I've made through Al-Anon have become my extended Ohana (family).
So, when at one time, I moved out to Hawaii and felt completely isolated and alone... I eventually came to a place where I realized I had lots of wonderful, reliable friends and I no longer felt alone. This knowledge of the support I have available to me at any time from my Al-Anon friends and even my extended AA family, made my eventual decision to divorce my exAH a somewhat easy decision. I didn't fear I'd be alone.
This all took time, though - the building of trust and friendship with Al-Anon members was a slow process. But I'm so very grateful for it all today.
I hope you are willing to get yourself back to the meeting rooms. If you stopped going because the meetings you attended didn't feel healthy to you, know that you can attend different ones. I'll repeat the advice given to me... once you get yourself to some meetings (and I suggest as many as you can in the next week), get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life is guaranteed to change.
Ditto!! get back into your program...quickly. And consider that you are trying to have a rational loving existence with a person with a disease that is more cunning, powerful and baffling than both of you together and one that affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Sick people have sick relationships...kept that one simple. Get back into the family groups fellowship and keep coming back here (((((hugs)))))
thanks everyone for your comments. It really does help to know that you are listening. I managed to make it to a F2F meeting this evening. I walked in feeling like a 1 on a scale of 1 - 10 and leaving feeling like a 4. It did lift my spirits a little. I didn't get a chance to talk - I never talk in meetings but I think I'd like to start. I did however, get the courage up to ask a woman - for the first time ever - if she'd be my sponsor. In all the years I've been in and out of Alanon, I've never had a sponsor. She said she couldn't because she already had two people she was sponsoring. :( I really would like one - I was disappointed. I think I need to start working the steps - I know I do, I never have - and I would really like some guidance.
My ABF - maybe I'll call him the estranged ABF - is still playing his emotional games. More push me pull you today. Went to the bar for lunch and I didn't hear from him again until I got a strange text message this evening. He had his kids tonight too. I shudder to think about how they are being affected by his alcoholism. How they'll grow up with a skewed idea of what a man is supposed to be. Of how they won't fully understand boundaries and integrity and may even enter into adult relationships based on these unhealthy views that will lead them down paths like the one I've taken.
How sad. I stayed 6 years longer than I should have partly because I wanted to try to interject some sanity into their lives. How controlling and delusional of me.
I am struggling trying to find some meaning in my life at the moment. I had a glimmer of hope this evening that there will be better days, but I am still painfully lonely, confused and scared. At least I don't feel like I want to roll over and die right now. And that is progress.
((((DENVER)))) I too left meetings about 4 months ago. I left this board, I left everything. I went to a meeting last night, it was open AA. It was beautiful. It was all I could get to because alanon is few and far between here. I can only say, I have hit bottom and I went to AA on my knees. I am so done with not living my life... Its time to live and grow :) Take care, you are not alone!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
You are in the right place. Do you have a copy of Getting them Sober. Its offered at the top of this page by one of our members.
Many alcoholics have lots of friends. I'm not sure now I would call them friends but the ex A certainly did. I ahd real jealousy and a real sense of competition with his friends. Now I knwo there was nothing to be jealous of. Like you my entire world revolved aroudn him. Much of what I did was to track him, try to work out where he was what he was doing and who he was with. That gave me some sense of control in a real netbed of chaos.
The trouble was the tracking took control of me and the sense of stbility was nevere there. Moving out from the ex A was a nightmare. I had enough program by then to expect that. I didn't break up with the ex A over ngiht there was a lot of back and forth for a while. Much of it included my trying to sort out the chaos he caused cay and day out. Eventually I got to a point where I was no longer willing to deal wit h it. By then I had a core support system here.
Remember none of this is all 100% your fault. Relationships are 50/50 they can't be anything else. When I left the ex A his life was in a shambles. All that I had tried to hold upfor years came crumbling down. I went down with it. For the last 4 years I have been trying to claw my way through the debris to stand up. I've not got there yet but its close.
I am so glad you went to a meeting last night and had the courage to ask for a sponsor. I want you to know that you want someone who has plenty of time to devote to you. I know it can be crushing when you are turned down. I was "rejected" so I thought, six times. It does suck as in my case I thought I was such an emotional nutcase Alanon could not handle me.
God has perfect timing, He is NEVER late. Keep asking for a sponsor, you will get one.
As for your situation, I understand as many others here do. I grew up in this disease and live with active A.
The program works if you work it. Keep coming back!
