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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> seeing the alcoholic in a new light
Post Info TOPIC: seeing the alcoholic in a new light
maresie


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As many of you know I have more than one alcoholic roommate. 

I have been so tangled up in reacting to them most of the time that I'm not able to be detached.

Lately things have been a bit quieter and probably most of that is my state of mind.

Lately in the cold light of day I can see an alcoholic for what they are.  My expectaitons are pretty low at the same time I do set limits.  Of course those limits are pretty often trashed and smashed and obliterated.

What's coming up for me lately is that in all the 7 years I was witht he ex A I was always in react mode.  I had little if any abiluity to be detached.  When I did it was in an emergency and to save my sanity.  My expectations of hm were way off.  Somehow I would cling onto his promises of a ordered life and that somehow all his problems were other people's faults (generally he scapegoated me on that).

Since I've been able to accept an alcoholic for what they are I can't say I'm actually thrilled.  At the same time the resentment threshold is lower.  I have a sister who's been an alcoholic for years.  She has two boys.  One of them is pretty neglected in a covert way.  Now that seems less triggering.  Of course there is nothing "right" about that situation but I can't objectively expect my sister to change unless at some point she chooses sobriety.  I can also see that my hopes that she could address some of our family issues did not take into account she's an alcoholic and has been running from that knowledge her entire life.

Living around an alcoholic is never easy.  I don't relish the idea of having a roommate who is one.  At the same time I doubt I would be able to really see an alcoholic unless I was presented time and again with the life/chaos of living around one.

The person who I can now be most compassionate towards is myself.  Rather than have the blame button I can see my expectations were not in reality.  I tread carefully around alcoholics, my expectations are low and really concrete.  I stop setting myself up that way.

Nevertheless I would much much prefer to be in a better place on so many levels.  The day I can get to a point where I can live more functionally and have my own place is of course my ultimate goal.

Maresie.



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maresie
tommyecat


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Thanks for sharing Maresie.

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flopadopilus


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I love your awareness and that you are striving to reach your goals. Keep taking good care of yourself maresie! Thoughts and prayers sent to you!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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GailMichelle


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Hi Marsie,

You're making a lot of growth! You're an example of what can happen when we (non-alcoholics) turn the focus on ourselves and begin to control what we can (our attitudes).

I used to be quite reactionary too. Always exhibitinig knee-jerk reactions, not understanding why I behaved the way I did (past tense).

Keep the faith - you'll get your own place - continue to keep the focus on you and your dreams, not on the alcoholics.

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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Its aways so helpful to me to read your posts. I learn always from you.

You have really grown so much in a very difficult situation. You have hung in there big time.

I am also awed by your stand to care for, enjoy, love and be loyal to your animal family. Its sure not easy when you are financially being ever so careful. But you know what your priorities are and you are not afraid to stick to them! We know many do not understand.

I would rather live in my car with a tent than live without my animal family!

I pray someday you get a time of peace which is your goal.

love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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hotrod


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Dear Maresie

Great Recovery  Keeping the Focus on Ourselves and Reducing Expectations are very powerful tools in our recovery toolbox

Thanks for sharing the journey.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Katy


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Marsie, 

if your name wasn't on this post I wouldn't have known you wrote it, it's a mazing.

I don't undertand how hard is it for you financially because it's never happened to me that way,  so you have, added pressures to deal with, and yet you continue to just become so strong, so getting it, amazing resilieance.

katy

 x



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Katy
maresie


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I can set some limits on the alcoholics but sometimes not much.  Their sense of time, their entitlement issues and their neediness is incredible.  They resent any kind of boundary whatsoever.

The funny thing is my younger sister is an animal lover, she has a horse, cats and dogs and children.   I understand she needed alcohol as a tool to deal with our absolutely insane family.  What's astonishing is that she never got to sobriety.  Instead of anger I now feel sadness and I feel less a loss of what could have been and more compassion.  I never thought I would get past the anger.  At the same time I am absolutely distant from her.  I do not entertain all the calls about gossip, inuendo, making stuff up (she makes up stories about our childhood and our family) and more.  If I did not have the distance I certainly could not feel compassion I would be absolutely enmeshed.

 

Maresie.

 



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maresie
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