"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Georgia · Member

do you acknowledge the behavior?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

we certainly notice the crappy behavior , a word of encouragment would probably be welcome but my first response would be to enjoy the good days ,keep going to your meetings dont stop now keep your expectations low the best way for me to support thier efforts at sobriety is to mind my own business , work my program and allow him the dignity to figure this out for himself .. Al-Anon prints many books but for me in sobriety these two were the most help to me Living with Sobriety ,and Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage , this second book has alot of info on communication which seems to be a problem for alot of us .. both books give you some insight into sobriety .. good luck to your both . And dont miss the good days . Louise

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

my personal opinion is nope - no need to acknowledge.... if it comes up (from him) it's fine to acknowledge and give him due credit, but other than that - carry on with life.... he's going to see the changes in you, as you delve into your recovery.... he might just choose recovery for himself - who knows at this point...

Take care

Tom

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I shadow Tom in saying just keep working your program and enjoy the days that are good. Sometimes communication creates feelings of pressure for me and my exAH. I just try my best to flow and mind my own business these days. Kudos to you!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I would have to agree as well, take this time and enjoy it, smile, laugh, do things for you. Keep focusing on you :) That is what I have learned...I am also learning that keeping calm changes things. :) HUGS!

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

6 months ago i would have said acknowledge. today i would say work on yourself because it works. i made the "mistake" ie learning experience few months ago to encourage the non drinking and acknowledging the new behavior, i learned few things: without help the AH wont change, he might be dry but he is not sober. the other thing i learned is i felt guilty which i confused with love, alcoholism is a disease therefore there is nothing we can do. what we can do is change our own behaviors and work on ourselves to get better.

keep working and go to al-anon beacuse it works and you are worth it. all the best.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Georgia,

I'm glad you are attending meetings and working your program. Many times the alcoholic sees changes is us, and how we react or don't react. Don't think for a minute your A is not aware, without a word said. I'm sure he knows you know he hasn't been drinking.

Something to consider. As far as mentioning the fact that he has not had a drink in the last several days, I remember what John the founder of MIP wrote a couple of years ago. He had received his 20 year chip from AA the night before. In his post to his MIP family he stated that he didn't want anyone to pat him on the back or say how proud they were of him. He compared his stopping drinking 20 years before to a cowboy who had a bad case of hemmorids and finally decided to quit riding his horse.

HUGS,
RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it's appropriate to display how it has positively affected me as I most always displayed how it negatively affected me. When I hammered on the drinking issue my alcoholic got defensive and drank again. Clearly I needed to know different ways of responding to change and accepting it with grace and happiness which is an "inside" job. Body language often is great communications a closer, friendlier attitude and soft touch and being more easily available as if the wall was down and you were more trusting. When my alcoholic was not drinking and I was still defensive, fearful and pensive I was still miserable, untrusting, angry and resentful. She was trying to adapt and I was in the same mould. Abbyal's ESH echo my early sponsorship direction and is in the mix for me. Continue my recovery and don't swarm all over her about I'm "focused" on. Great thread!! (((((hugs)))))

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for mentioning in your post how you felt (happier and healthier) after three weeks of Alanon meetings. Your sharing will help newcomers see how meetings can be a benefit to them.

As for acknowledging, I think it is best to sit back and be quiet.

Georgia · Member

thank you everyone. my instincts tell me to just enjoy it for however long it lasts. and my hopes are not high that it will last long.

as for any newcomers reading this....i CANNOT praise the al anon meetings enough. i have been miserable - MISERABLE - for 7 years. self-doubt, self-loathing, considering divorce (or if i am perfectly honest...an affair out of revenge)...SO MUCH negative in my life. these meetings....OMG...from the instant i walked in the door i was greeted with people that were caring and CARED ABOUT ME. to say it is the high light of my week is an understatement. right now...it is the high light of MY LIFE. and i truly believe the meetings and the program and the people are going to change my life.

GO! GO! GO!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, I am so glad you are enjoying and getting serenity from meetings! My question is, would you acknowledge it if he gave himself his insulin if he was diabetic? Or took his meds for MS?

I have learned to look at it that way. It's a disease. HIS disease that he manages on his own. I never give it, any of it any energy. Back when I used to see him off and on first thing he would say is,"i have not drank in...." I didn't care to know. Was not at all anything I was interested in.

If he drinks he does, he is an addict. No big deal. Not our thing to judge or worry about.No surprise. We want the best for everyone we love. But again we have no control over that so a human will do what they do and we have no right to focus on it.

If we choose to stay with them, they drink or whatever, we can learn to say when they come in, "hey the strawberries are starting to flower!" Or, "I made us stroganoff for dinner." not oh no he is drunk again, stomach tightenes up, worry starts, thinking about will this last all of our lives....etc.

He or she is an addict, period.

His blood sugar spiked, he is acting crazy, goes into a high bs attack. He takes his bs level, high takes his insulin. NO big deal. His disease, of course he had an attack, Its not easy to keep your bs levels ok. Just the way it is.,

Of course their disease whatever it is affects us.But with al Anon we learn tools that teach us the best way to live with it. NO blame or oh no he did it again.

Its NONE of our business. I feel if we cannot accept that, we have the duty to not put upon them OUR stuff. I feel I have to learn to live with a person as they are, or I don't live with them.

I stayed with my Ah as long as I could. I mean thru drunk, recovery, white knuckling, the whole thing. Until he became abusive physically, I wanted ever min of him I could have.

I like the thought of enjoy as many good moments and even boring moments as you can. As the disease gets worse and I tell ya when they go whether physically or mentally or both, there is no coming back.

Hon I lose my first young husband to the disease from an accidental death at 27. After 18 years married my youth sweetheart who was in and out of my life since 17.Two months later he was found to have a brain tumor. He had been on strong program for years. Surgery left him brain damaged. He medically relapsed, down it went to not,nothingness for us.

To me it feels like another death. It really is. What I would give for a day with that wonderful man I loved all my life and have a wonderful grown son from.

Enjoy him while you can drunk, sober whatever. Believe me, for me I have no regrets.

Keep coming back! love debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Georgia, as to your second reply to your post, girl I was there right with ya. I think you read my mail when I was a newcomer. Thanks for the reminder as to how far I have come.

If you think it is good now, it gets much, much better. Perhaps that is hard to believe. If you have not started the steps, think about it. The magic amplifies once you do.

Yours in recovery,

TC

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome! I think it is great for you to express yourself, say things like (if you feel them in the moment) ' "I am so happy and relaxed now" ' or "this is wonderful today" ' Empower your words in the moment, excellent to enJOY our selves, our lives and each other. Always remember that happiness and peace are inside jobs! Just bc we are happy, maybe it doesnt feel that fantastic for him, that moment or whatever.

I say learn to enjoy the day, live your life in the actual moments of the day and do not get ahead and think about what the future will bring - the future does not exist and the important thing is to learn to live in reality, right now. Let any expectations that you have about the future and you and others - let it go - our expectations will hurt us every time. Do your best and allow others to do what they will do. Accept it, if it is acceptable to you.

It sounds as if you have created your first boundary. I could hear it in the resolve you had when you said, you will go the meetings no matter what - fantastic! Good for you and keep changing what you can and enjoying the rest.

Let your AH be himself and do it or not do it. I think part of the problem with us codies here on the alanon side of the fence, is we do hope so very much for them and for our lives. I know I had these fantasies of what I thought adult life and married life would be like. The problem with me, is I used questions as a way to mother, smother and micromanage others, so I could attempt to control them. I think our tendency is to get so excited and think this will be it forever and then we get side slapped. Keep your own focus on YOU, not him and you will stay empowered and changing, for yourself and yes it is for the good of others too, as we get healing, it does "ripple out" and affect others as well. My only suggestion to you about it, is to keep the focus on YOU and do not for one second think you need to prompt or baby sit his program. In other words, learn to be your own best cheerleader and have hope for you and your goals. Dont pressure him by adding any expectations and no, I personally would not even mention "the drinking". I think it is very critical that you keep your early programs (first 1-2 years) to yourself.

When we hear how we both hurt each other, it can trigger us both like bananas! Keep new life, light, fun, carefree and have some pleasant interractions and keep the focus on YOU - dont make it about him or you will be slipping so fast your head will spin. Stick to what works and be grateful for when the pleasant and sober times exist. Learn to make your program and your life, about you with you at the core of your own reality. And it does get better, keep up this great work and you will see many more miracles to come, just remember to keep sharing, keep letting go and keep your connecting to your HP/god, none of us can do this alone. kcb and welcome to alanon!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"