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My ex-abf told me I was crazy anytime I confronted him on his bad behavior. I really think he enjoyed rallying his family and friends around him convincing him that I was the sick crazy one after all and he is perfect.
He could cheat,lie, drink, do drugs, etc. and in their eyes he's perfect but heaven forbid if I get angry or get my feelings hurt. I'm just told to get over it. What the heck?
It is how a lot of A's are and well don't let his sickness keep you sick. Glad you came here and keep reading and working your program. Let Go and Let God!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I decided I can live with being crazy to him - let HIS friends and family think what they want to - MY friends and family know different. I often think of something I heard in an old movie - one lady being catty mean to another and then saying, I hope this hasn't hurt you. Her response was great and is often my mantra - That's ok, I don't know you well enough for you to hurt me!
For those who think bad of me without knowing me - I don't really care what they think, they aren't going to be at my funeral!
-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 11:06:07 PM
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Consider the source. We can't be effected by this crazy, sick, selfish disease unless we allow it. I confronted the disesae many times. I lost as many times as I confornted......confronting always turned into a confrontation and no one wins except the disease. Thank goodness for the program that taught me to put all the focus on myself and my recovery, and not to be drawn into the sickness of the disease. Taking care of myself first, and puting all the focus on myself was something I had practice. The more I practiced the easier it got and one day without realizing it became habit. They are going to do what they are going to do. The important thing is what are we going to do?
SA2D,
I feel you. Ugh. I know how much it burns. I went through the same thing. I had people swear that my ex-ah didn't have a problem oseven ask me if I was trying to find evidence to support a theory that wasn't really true. Even his family who understood alcoholism seemed to go into denial and were unsupportive. This was someone who was drunk six out of 7 days a week with periods of blacking out, stumbling and slurring. A's surround themselves with enablers so of course their family and friends think you are the crazy one. Don't fret. All of us know the truth. Isn't it in the book Getting them Sober where she describes A's as the patient in the hospital bed looking at the doctor and telling her that she is sick. Everytime he tries to make you look crazy, picture him lying in the hospital bed pretending to be the doctor - crazy! Then take a deep breath.
Don't worry what the people close to hm think about you. They are unhealthy too. Just keep coming here and practicing the principles and steps and you will thrive. He's an ex for a reason. Focus on yourself and move on the best you can. I am still annoyed sometimes when I think of he lack of validation I got from some people but I really feel more sorry for them. The A has them sick, manipulated or even scared into facing the truth. Don't give your ex or the disease energy by responding. If you have the luxury to cut all ties like I did then everything will be easier in the log run. Best of luck!
They do that because (pick a reason out of thousands) often times we are crazy from the drinking, using, behaviors. It's enough to make anyone crazy!! Millons have blown their brains out because of the insanity. If you have any Al-Anon literature look at the steps...the last word of step 2...the goal of working that step is a return to sanity.
Alcoholics and addicts are screwed up...not normal people. They constantly and consistently use and abuse mind and mood altering chemicals which mess up their brains and all the other parts of their bodies which they deny thinking they are not affected and still "normal"....LOL "Normal Alcoholic/Addict" accept that. The person you want and expect isn't in the room; hmmmm isn't even on the same planet...just in your head. Soooo that left me crazy and by the time I got to Al-Anon I knew I was certifiable...I could enter any local Gward and get a bed; short or long program.
I was responsible for it and I was responsible for getting out of it. I asked God for a Spaceship to get me off of the planet and I guess none was available so I was sent to Al-Anon. She couldn't make me crazy without my participation and permission. I had to learn that. I'll never forget it and I'll never leave the program...anymore.
It's not about him or them or they or others...getting sane and serene is about you. You'll just love the change that comes over you even though the chances are he, them, they the others will not...but then by then you won't care.
White pages...hotline to Al-Anon...go get your seat in the face to face meetings, sit down, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. In support (((((hugs)))))
Chemically dependent people aren't capable of accepting responsibility for their own lives. (Heck, I've even known a lot of "adults" who aren't chemically dependent who can't accept responsibility for themselves!) Everything that goes wrong in their lives is someone else's fault. I think because, in their sotted brains, it justifies their drinking and drug use. A man goes home after work, picks a fight with his wife, then goes to the bar to get drunk and tells his friends all about the latest fight with the bitch at home. Then that woman gets into a program and starts taking care of herself. The man comes home, tries to pick a fight and she doesn't respond. So he goes to the bar anyway and cries into his beer, telling his friends that she doesn't love him anymore, is probably having an affair and will most likely leave him any minute. In his mind, she's the reason he drinks, but the fact is that he drinks because he's an alcoholic. He can't accept the fact that he's responsible for his own choices.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every step you take is one step farther away from him and one step closer to being healthier for yourself.
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Been with an addict for 20 years. He has finally hit rock bottom and lost his job, our insurance, etc. He checked into rehab for 30 days and then to IOP and is a few weeks from completing them. I'm sure I don't have to tell you all what nightmares I have been through. I have a lot of health issues and can't work so I rely on him unfortunately for income. I guess I thought he would come home and be the night in shining armor I'd always dreamed him to be. He is horrible!!!!!!!!!! He lays his paperwork around everywhere and yesterday I was on the phone and picked up some papers and read them. They were questions relating to things he had done he was ashamed of. I was sooooooooo HURT to say the least!!!!! There was an affair that I had suspected and many other things that cut me to the bone!!!!! When he found out I read it he had a fit and screamed and yelled, hit the freezer and made a dent. I didn't look for it and didn't realize what it was. Am I wrong to think he should be more humble right now????? He says I play victim and I am tired of it!! I don't wanna be a victim, I wanna change!!!!!! Any advice would be appreciated. I am doing online Al-Anon but because I refuse to participate with him in his IOP 100 miles away, he says I am not going to get better. I really don't have much left inside........I have been doing this for 20 years.....
My exAH, as well as my AH now, have told me I was crazy when I confronted them about their drinking. In my case, it was because "confront" = whirlwind of insanity on my part. It wasn't just a "hey, I'm worried because it seems like you're drinking a lot" kind of confront, it was a screaming, crying, yelling, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" kind of confront. Once I grabbed my AH's leg to keep him from leaving. I WAS crazy. Of course they each pointed it out - kept the focus off of the alcoholism. It is much easier to blame someone else for being crazy than it is to take a good look inside.
:) Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Wednesday 4th of May 2011 09:05:43 AM
My ex used to tell me I never believed in him and I was unsupportive...blah blah blah. Of course the thing is...He always started on things and never followed up...he made a financial mess out of everything and NEVER took responsibility for it. He blamed it on me and my family because his ego was too bruised to man up and accept that he was not at all the man he wanted to be at 40 some years old and he could not stop drinking.
You asked why do they do this? Because it's way easier than accepting the hard truth that they are the ones with the big problems and they are the ones that need to change.
If he can keep deflecting blame back onto you, coming up with excuses why it is YOU and/or the rest of the world who has the problem, it allows him to stay in his disease, tucked safely in his denial, so he doesn't need to ever work on himself....
One of the biggest hurdles for so many A's is humility - this is a very humbling disease, and those who do choose sobriety get very humbled, and stop with the arrogant antics of blaming others around them...
Hopefully he gets this one day soon....
"He will either drink (or be an ass, or blame you, or whatever), or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for you.... with or without him, you will be immeasurably better off....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
They live in a world of secrets and rely on you to keep their secrets. You get so embarrassed by them that you keep their secrets. (I am talking about me). It is not healthy and eventually I started talking. It was hard at first. Then I looked around at his family and saw even more secrets that the family has kept for generations. Nothing is ever wrong unless they can blame someone else for it.
Stay on the high road. Don't live that way. Secrets keep you sick. But be careful who you tell the secrets to. They can also get you hurt. That's why the anonimity of Al-Anon is so great.
