The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My crazy alcoholic ex owes me a substantial amount of money. As I had him sign papers, I sent him a credit collector, who was unsuccessful. Then a lawyer.He called me pretending he would pay me back a small amount each month that would take 5 years!!!!!!And that he refuses to go thoruhg my lawyer and started being paternalistic.Then he hung up on me and called back to add some more.
I had been forwarned by board memebers he would be back, and lo and behold!
If the calls weren't enough he backed up with the following e-mails :
No 1
You see, I have been in the twelve step program for some time and my call today was the result of working on step 4 and 9. It is very important to go all the way even if, as we are warned by the literature, the response can be violent and negative. I should be out of hospital in a few days and will write you in detail what I said on the phone today. I really hope that you are not too alone and that your health is progressing well.
No 2
To follow my program, I must make amends to you which will have to be written. There can be no communication between us constructively. Amends and repair of material damage, which will also be done. Compulsory step work.
With my friends at the program, serenity and simple happiness are coming back. Recent recovery, hence very fragile - so no mails, they will be discarded.
You don't have to remain in this condition, life is so short.
I hope your health has evolved in the way you wanted.
No 3 Saving time (title)
Your mail goes to spam directly
It is all about him, him, him. Conitual denial and lying. No amends.
What the hell. I called a few friends in town who say that is not in hospital, is having a great time, has gone back to a former girlfriend and spending lots of money.
I also reported him to AA in his town, not sure they will do anything about.
I will call my lawyer tommorow to tighten the screw and get the ball rolling at court.
What else can I do? He is still being destructive while acting nicey nicey and using AA talk to manipulate me further.
Aloha Shannah...just a old Al-Anon fact...He cannot control or manipulate or make you angry without your permission and participation. Do the stuff you gotta do for you and thank him for keeping you out of the skirmishes. It worked for me. Good luck and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Hello and welcome Shannah. You may find it helpful to go to a face to face alanon meeting and share this openly with the group. It could be beneficial for you to ask someone to be a temporary sponsor should you want to reason things out with someone else face to face. For me that was very helpful. I was able to meet with someone that was in my community to sort these things out.
I am so glad you are here. Please keep coming back.
Thanks for your quick reply. He accont manipulate me. Make me angry yes.I have a long term genetic disease, am self employed,cannot work and HE has my money and I have run dry.And without my permission he is doing is act to get away with it... using AA. How sick can he be? And I am VERY VERY angry. I need solutions... being angry or not is not the issue.It is a human reaction to being betrayed and lied to once more.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we cannot control anyone except ourselves, and that's doubly true of alcoholics. He is sick and the insanity of alcoholism is in full control of him. The three C's of Al-Anon are: We didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, we can't Cure it. That's true of alcoholism and all his actions.
The good news is that we can make our lives better, through going into our own recovery. Since you can't get to meetings in person, try the meetings online here. Also read through all the threads on these boards and learn all you can about alcoholism. Remember, knowledge is power!
I suspect that if you hope to convince your ex to cooperate in order to get your money, it is a futile task. There's a reason he's your ex, I imagine, and part of the reason is that he refuses to cooperate. Refusing is also a way to keep you hooked into the drama. In my experience, only legal means can get people like this to give the money they're required to give. Sometimes not even legal means, but that's the best hope. Maybe you can get legal aid or find a lawyer who will work for a percentage of the proceeds.
Meanwhile, please take care of yourself. You are absolutely entitled to be angry at his outrageous behavior. But remember the saying about "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Take even better care of yourself by going for your own recovery. You are absolutely worth it.
In my experiencing, dealing directly with a soon to be ex A during a divorce can be volitile. The only solution that worked for me was to just let my lawyer deal with his lawyer, and get myself out of the middle of all the drama. My ex seemed to thrive on drama, and seemed to enjoy being able to get a rise out of me. When I had enough drama, I came to understand that I did not have to answer the phone if answering it would mean that i would lose my serenity. I came to understand that I did not need to read or respond to texts or emails if I did not want to. He couldn't MAKE me do anything - including communicate with him. Most of all, I came to understand that regardless of whether he attempted to manipulate me, I could choose whether to get riled up or not. For me, if I interacted with him at all, i got riled up. Thus, not interacting with him via any manner of communicaiton was healthier.
You are totally right. I replied to the phone call as he had masked the number, and twice I was taken aback.
I felt the need to respond to his e-mails because I am still very angry, and thanks to all your replies I realize that it is hurting me only and he is having the time of his life getting me involved in his drama again.
Really thank you about reminding me about the drama. I had dumped him in December, on Christmas Eve,because he was drining me up the wall with his drama.I had forgotten all about that aspect of him as my only concern was getting my money back.
Hi there Shannah, I was wondering if you have any Al-anon materials to read or had any way to get a hold of some? I was sick and bed ridden for a short time of my life and I remember being bored and doing a lot of stinkin thinkin in that time. When I finally got a hold of some great books it had started me on not obsessing about my situation or the situation of the people around me. I had too much time on my hands and I about drove myself crazy in my own head with negative thoughts and it took me a long time to get back to looking at myself and what I can control. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thank you ro your concern. No, I do not have any Al-Anon materials.Our situations are totally different different. I do not obsess in negtaive thouhgts. Over my longs spells in bed, my art books, literature and partitions have joined me. I am very creative when I have time on my ends.
What you are reading in my post is strong reaction to my ex upsetting my otherwise positive world, in spite of my illness.He come sin to destroy the balance in my life. But then again, that is all he is about, destructiveness.
Sorry Shannah, I was not meaning to say that you obsess about your A and your situation, I was just saying that is something I fell into and that Al-anon books really helped me get through it!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
No offence taken. I was pointing out that I was my situation was different. I have been working on myself since 1994, going to personal development seminars, reading books etc.So yes, you make a point in saying to that I could read AlAnon material.
Luckily for me, we live in different countries, and it didn't last long, thank God! I don't want to give this alcoholic set up any more time. As hte saying goes, whatever you give your energy to, grows.
So really, I would rather forget the whole story, my one and only dealing with an alcoholic.
I want to thank everyone who replied, as you are the ones with the experience, and could reply adequately.
