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Sometimes I'm selfish and I know it and can't stop. Ugh.
My AH has been sober about 2 years now. He does a lot of service work, in addition to a meeting a day and meeting with his sponsor and sponsee.
The long and short of it is that sometimes I feel irritated about all his AA committments. Tonight, I was making dinner when his phone rang and he ran off to a treatment center to cover for someone who couldn't chair a meeting they'd committed to.
I know that the things he does for his recovery are important, and that he's carrying his message to alcoholics that are still suffering. The fact that he's doing this instead of drinking is incredible.
And yet instead of getting busy carrying my message, I'm sitting here irritated! Uggggh. Guess I should get busy with my own thing. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling selfish, even though I know I should be grateful.
I know I sure feel that way from time to time... In fact, just today I felt like I was being selfish (I was SO annoyed) and I wondered.. am I being selfish? Really? Why? I think those feelings are normal... and today, after feeling rather selfish and ashamed of my behavior, I apologized (I was having a bad day and don't think I otherwise would have reacted (REacted, not thought!) so strongly. .. so I apologized then thought about expectations.... if I didn't have them for this particular thing I flew off the handle about, then perhaps my selfish entitlement rant wouldn't have spewed out of my poor feel sorry for me mouth. lol
I'm looking forward to the esh of others on this topic... I struggle with it. I toggle back and forth between I have a right to be irritated - and - I'm overeating / setting having expectations that a) I either shouldn't have or b) are too high... and if I apologize, then I wonder... did I actual think I should apologize over my role in the 'disagreement' or because I felt bad or responsible for hurting his poor sensitive feelings? ugh.
I just read abbyal's reply. I've thought that as well: just think of the worst drunk day and yep.. of course, go to a meeting/read some alanon books ect...
But I struggle with it cause I think: well, of course when you compare a 'normal' thing/disagreement/feeling (selfish, irritated) to the worst drunk day it's nothing in comparison. It does help to put it in perspective...
It's true that a recovery alcoholic is better than an alcoholic not in recovery. That said, I wonder if your "selfish" feelings are telling you something? Did he apologize sincerely for running out of dinner? Something like, "I know how hard this is when I rush off -- and just before dinner too! I'm so sorry! Don't bother to keep something warm for me, I'll heat it up when I get back -- and maybe then we can watch something on the TV together?"
They're used to taking us for granted, and maybe it would be a little better if they didn't. (Maybe also we're used to being labeled as the selfish one, however absurd that is sometimes?) You're making the dinner, after all. His service is important, but so is acknowledging the trouble and disappointment he puts you to when he runs off without warning, however worthy the cause. I wonder if this might be time to practice your healthy ways of asking for a bit of acknowledgement? Our recovery teaches all of us how important it is to be authentic, so maybe this is a chance to practice?
I do understand how difficult and unsettling this new world of sobriety can be.
I agree we are not Saints and are capable of being upset when our plans are disrupted in sobriety. It is very human .
Taking care of yourself in this situation would require owning the anger and disappointment, calling a sponsor, then eating your own dinner and taking the next right action for your life
You could discus your disappointment's with him at a later date and develop alternate plans.
You are doing GREAT
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 08:44:52 AM
Dear White Rabbit. At one point I found myself in exactly your position. I doubt that you are a selfish person, generally. I have a hunch that you are not having enough intimate time with your husband. By intimimate (not just sex, but it counts too), I mean undivided attention--like sitting and talking, going out somewhere, going for walks---I'm sure that you get my drift. Like when you were dating.
It is an absolute fact that few men comprehend how much we women need affection and expressions of love/attention. Wives and girlfriends are often the teachers on this subject. It took me a while to catch on to this.
I had a husband that did the same thing as yours. He was in elected, public office when I met him. What a pressure cooker in terms of time committment! Strangely, we were so connected then, because I worked along side him on EVERYTHING (unpaid ).
The big problem of time cmmittment came after he was out of office. He then got sucked into several community organizations (in addition to a regular job-and I worked again in my field). I WAS REALLY TORN AND UNHAPPY. On one hand he was doing good work to help others--so I felt "selfish" On the other hand, I felt neglected because I almost never got any quality time with him.
I loved him so much. I cried, accused, we argued. I was jealous of his constant committments and I thought our marriage was unraveling. I was scared---so I railroaded him (us) to a couples therapist. It turned out that I didn't resent his work, I just needed to feel important to him when he wasn't working.***I think it helped that it was a MAN therapist. Men seem to "get it" when it comes in form of man-to man talk. They think that women are just nagging or trying to "fix" them again.
Long story short: We were able to work it out. we got our groove back. Sadly, he recently passed. Our time together was sooo precious. (I am still having a really hard time).
I hope this helps you a little, white rabbit. There is a book called "'HIS NEEDS;HER NEEDS" which covers this topic. It is sold on Amazon.com. Good reading.
THANK GOD HE ISN'T DRINkING!
Respectfully, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 06:54:41 AM
-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 09:03:09 AM
There is a Alanon conference approved book called "When I Got Busy, I Got Better" It is on the 12th step on carrying this message to others and practice these principals in all our affairs. It is not a daily reader. It helped me, perhaps you may find it useful in this instance.
There is another Alanon conference approved book "Lois Remembers" detailing the famous instance where she threw a shoe at Bill Wilson as he was departing to honor AA obligations. It was at that moment she realized she needed to work the steps herself and get busy. As the saying goes "necessity is the mother of invention." Thus, the Alanon program was born.
Thank all of you - I really appreciate each of your replies.
Tommyecat, it's funny - I was JUST reading Lois's Story in How Alanon Works. I was thinking about what she said about getting busy and getting better. I definitely need to keep that in mind.
Otie, Mattie, and Danielle, I appreciate your insight, and much of it described how I feel. Sometimes I really don't know how much of my feelings are legitimate and how many of them are my brain trying to play tricks. I've learned here that I can't blame other people for how I feel, and nobody MAKES me feel anything. I think that sometimes, however, I tend to try to find a reason why my feelings aren't rational and why I shouldn't feel the way I do - try to tell myself that I feel a particular way because I had expectations, because I'm selfish, etc. While that may be true, sometimes I forget that my feelings are my feelings, and I am allowed to feel them for whatever reason. My AH and I went to see a therapist for about a year - we had both individual sessions with the therapist and then couples therapy. We had just started to touch on some of this when life got in the way and we stopped going. Maybe I can make an appointment. The therapist was a man, a recovering addict himself, and really "got it" as you say.
Louise and Betty, I used your suggestions last night. Rather than sit there and wallow any more than I already had, I got up, ate dinner with my 10-year old, and chatted with a friend on the phone for a while after my children went to bed. It was a pleasant and relaxing evening - not at all the way it might've been had I just sat there stewing. A darn sight better than the worst drunk ever, that's for sure - I remembered for a split second what that was like, felt some gratitude it's not like that now, and went on about my business.
My initial thought was that perhaps you weren't getting enough time together as a couple. If this is true, I don't think that is selfish at all. In a healthy relationship, which I would think someone with a yr's sobriety is capable of entering, there is a balance of work, service time and couple time. Concentrating on one or two or neglecting one area is not healthy for either person.
One thing I find with alanon, and this may be the way some people interpret some of the guidelines and boundaries, is that we tend to feel we need to be saints and deny what we need!!!
I don't think it's healthy to deny what we need or think if we need something we are selfish. We are humans who need love and time together.
I don't think alanon teaches us to deny our needs, but I think the principle of minding our own business gets confused with I can't expect anything from anyone. Healthy relationships come with some expectations.
Sorry, if I sound like I'm on a soapbox. I mean this post to be comforting and to reassure you that your needs are valid. How we ask for our needs to be met is the tricky part.
It is possible to exchange one addiction (alcohol) for another - helping others. Anything we do to the extreme while sacrificing relationships with those closest to us is its own addiction. Those that can't pull themselves away from one type of sports cast or another; those who always have money and time to hunt and fish but none for wife or kids. Life should be about finding a balance all can live with, right?
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
and taking the next right action for your life