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My husband of 13 years is now almost 5 months sober. I am proud of him but because he betrayed my trust so much when he was deep into his disease, I still have my moments of insanity and dont trust him. I attend weekly alanon meeting but i am not finding my compasson and i still dont forgive him for what he put me and our child through. if anyone can share their stories on trust during recovery i would appreciate it.
Welcome to MIP. I am so very glad you are attending alanon meetings and am so sorry that you have experienced the dreadful pain and anxiety of the disease of alcoholism.
Now that you are attending alanon meetings, you know that you are not alone. Lost trust, anger, resentment, self pity and fear are the key feelings that are part of this disease.
Alanon meetings, Sponsers, Living One Day at a Time,Focusing on Yourself, Prayer, the Steps are the important tools to grow and let go of these painful feelings.
I discovered that when I learned to TRUST my Higher Power, trust in myself followed and then that was all the trust I needed.
Keep coming back
USA, USA, USA
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of May 2011 12:45:57 PM
I understand completely where you are. Working the steps of Alanon with a sponsor really helped me let go of the disappointment and pain of the past. Through attending meetings, working with a sponsor and finding a HP I could trust, I have been able to separate the man from the disease and see his stuggle with compassion not anger and disappointment. Our relationship begins with a clean slate every day, one day at a time. That is a miracle for me.
I've worked the steps through step 4 so far. Step 4 on resentment really helped some, but doesn't totally take it away when I feel anxious.
I felt the same as you after my AH and I reconciled. He promised to get help, but I didn't trust that he actually would. I knew if he continued to drink the negative behaviors would reoccur and in my heart I knew I couldn't handle those again.
I drew up my boundaries to protect myself. That way I knew if the events happened again, I had a plan.
What helped me the most was meditation. I realized that I could worry about the future and what might happen, but today was good: no negative behaviors, husband was actually trying to make a difference in our marriage etc. I realized anything could happen tomorrow: illness, trauma etc and what I was worried about might be for nothing. I decided to live and be thankful for what I have today.
My method of meditation is to breathe out all the negative: worry, fear, anxiety and breathe in what I need: peace, contentment. Then I go on to meditate on what is positive in my life that day.
The realization (live for today only) for me was a small one, but actually believing in it made a huge difference.
Thank you Chelle3, Hotrod, and Tommyecat for your responses. The biggest thing I have learned is to take it one day at a time and to focus on having a good day today. I I just can't escape the fear of the unknown, and I know that isn't the most healthist way to think but its the truth. Also I do try to be open and listen to family and friends because they see the situation from an outside perspective whereas I am living it and somethings that have become my norm or things I tolerate , they see as not normal or untolerable. Honestly, they all want me to leave him for good and part of me wants to walk away, the other part wants everything to work out for us, after all we have dreamed of growing old together. The thing is I want him but I am not sure I am strong enough. Thanks for listening and i would love some word of wisdom.
I have found that as I work through alanon and become a stronger person myself, the anxiety lessens.
I had to go back to work when my husband threatened divorce. We didn't divorce, but I still work. It gives me the security to know I can stand on my own two feet and that I have choices if I need them.
I also make myself do something I enjoy each day I'm off. It lifts my spirit. Yoga daily really helps me balance too and takes the resentment away. Without yoga I can be a bundle of nerves.
Peace to you, think what you can do today to make yourself comfortable.
One of the hardest things for me to admit was that my husb did nothing to me that I didnt allow , over and over again I had choices all of my married life and for the most part i chose to do nothing just let it happen . If you can remember that forgivness is not for him its for you ,anger will keep you sick and isolated . You have sobriety now don't miss the good days thinking about things that happend while drinking . I understand the anger and lack of trust I have been there myself but also learned that if I take care of me , meetings finding a sponsor to work thru the resentments , regardless of what he does I am going to be okay . Your husb is never going to truly understand how his drinking affected you any more than you will understand his compulsion to drink. Get the focus on you read all you can on forgivness .Neither AA nor Al-Anon promise to save marriages but they do promise t o return us to sanity .Trust takes time go easy on yourself - and Dont miss the good days.
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 2nd of May 2011 12:09:38 PM
Hello Dawny, my first thought upon reading your post is - did your AH ask for forgiveness for what you and your child have been through? That's where my lack of compassion/detachment stems from - until my AH acknowledges HIS part in everything I cannot let myself care too much for him. He is still blaming unemployment and depression and me for everything - is not drinking but hasn't acknowledged doing anything wrong - I'm to blame for being pushed into yelling back, I'm at fault for crying in the shower, I"m the reason my daughter hates him (get that one? he yells and makes her miserable and I'm the one to blame???) (well, yeah, i am because I let him stay, i know) "everybody" in my town is sick of me playing the battered victim (according to him), I'm responsible for everything that has ever been wrong in his life (even though I've only known him 3 years!!) I am not purposely holding back from caring about him but maybe my sense of self-preservation has taken over to protect me. I don't feel we can move forward as a married couple unless he shoulders his responsibility and acknowledges that his behavior was NOT right.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I would like to humbly suggest that you continue going to your alanon meetings. Share with members of your alanon group and your sponsor and do not permit your family or friends to have any import on your life. You are correct, they are outside and do not fully understand this disease and all the destruction.
You are going to a program that fully understands this disease and Our Part in the Madness . Once we own our part and use the tools to change ourselves we are free.
We no longer NEED him to acknowledge his part in the pain, we can let go and move forward because we want sanity and serenity and courge more than we want revenge, being a victim or self pity.
Trust is built over time, and the time varies person to person.
In my experience, I've noticed that the "good stuff" rarely goes noticed, but the "bad stuff" is ALWAYS noticed.
It's an ongoing process of accountability. It takes effort on both ends - making yourself trustworthy and recognizing his trustworthy deeds each day will help you both feel trustworthy in your marriage. Just give it some time and take it day by day like you have been and be thankful for each any every day that passes you were able to build more "trust".
Best wishes Dawny!
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Roo
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears."
Congratulations on your recovery and the recovery of your husband. My other half is two years sober after a relapse. He once again let go of his program, but didn't physically relapse. I did see a change in his thinking and he did become dishonest again frequently.
There are several things I try to remember. I don't try to trust him right now. I don't trust him for a reason and there is nothing I can do to change that at this point. Trust is not regained on my own, but with a great effort on both of our parts. I can take on my part and if he doesn't take on his, that is up to him. It is not reasonable for me to trust those that are not trustworthy. I do remember though that all the things my A did that I despised I stuck around to willingly accept. I was sick too, and didn't see my choices then and that was not the fault of my A.
I was so full of rage for the things my A put our son and myself through. It was hard to contain even in Al-anon. Once I quit focusing on what he did in the past, I had to focus on what I did. The things I accepted for myself, I accepted for our child as well. I put our son through a great deal too. I didn't mean to do that, just like my A didn't. It was lack of knowledge and skills on both our parts. I was much more accepting of myself having shortcomings that I was of him.
My compassion didn't come about full circle until my step five. The person who did it with me stated to me...."He didn't wake up one morning and say to himself that he was going to cause chaos in our lives and his own. He did the best he could with the knowledge he had at the time and that is all I can expect of him and myself". I realized that maybe his best wasn't good enough for me, but did I do anything to change that, or just victimize myself? I sat blaming him for everything.
My program ended up changing that, and bringing balance into my life. I can forgive him, myself and move on to today. Living in the past cannot change anything, living in the future is usually projection for me unless it is goal setting. Living today is where I can make changes and better my life.
I want to sing the song "Memories" like Barbara S did. This is early program. You are right where you are supposed to be. When I was taking the "disease" personal there was absolutely no way in hell I could trust my alcoholic wife. Course I didn't know lots of stuff then which I would learn in later program and had no real practice experience. I didn't know much about resentments or their opposites and when I learned that I wanted to vomit from it. Baby steps for me were like being told, "don't bring your anger and rage and mistrust back into the house...go outside and tantrum until you feel better." "You mean like a little boy; like a baby?" Just like that and I did that and it worked like gold and I could be around my alcoholic wife without making my problem larger and without throwing rocks in her recovery path. Course the truth of the matter was I wasn't ready and I helped her go back out again after a period of sobriety. There was too much hurt, pain, confusion and jealousy of "that" program.
Slow yourself down and the sponsor suggestion is huge now...It is very important not so that you can continue to be proud of his recovery...sober is what they are supposed to be normally...but because you need to experience peace of mind and serenity. Al-Anon is about you and your health of mind, body, spirit and emotions.
Alcoholism affects every thing it comes incontact with and is a disease...it is not a condition of health and it is not original creation condition. It is a learned behaviour which is now a living habit and can be found in the dna of the humans on this planet. It has been practices for thousands of years and then today....?
You have been affected. Take it easy with yourself. You're hurt and need time to learn different and practice different. You're hurt...go outside and throw a tantrum. I am still good at that and do it just like I was a little boy...it works good.
You guys are amazing! So kind of all of you to take time out to respond to me. I am taking it all in and going to meditate on it. I feel much better after reading all this. I am learning a lot about myself and trying to put the focus on me. I never even put that to thought until alanon.....wow what a concept! Focus on me! I am going to put some energy out there for a sponsor. Thanks you guys!!!!!!
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of good responses here as always. For me trust came in time. It was hard. What I had to learn was not to ask him all the time where he was going and what he was going to do. Even though deep down inside I was quaking with fear of what he was going to do, I couldn't let him see it. If I continued to ask him I knew it might upset him. I see that with my nieces and their father. My sister is doing the same thing. I tried telling her that it is not a good idea, but she is set in her ways and not interested in her recovery.
I realized that it was the fear of the unknown that kept me asking those questions. After all an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is turn them and their recovery over to their HP and concentrate on ours.
Forgiveness for me wasn't so hard (most of the time). An addict has a disease. I knew my beloved Tim long before it reared it's ugly head. I didn't want the resentments to hinder our ability to have our life together. Abbyal is right, forgiveness is for us. I knew that if I let those feelings get in the way, I wouldn't be able to move forward.
Find those meetings, keep the focus on your recovery and by all means enjoy the great moments of sobriety. Relish in them. Sometimes they can be so fleeting. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
