Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Needing to give what I don't have
Post Info TOPIC: Needing to give what I don't have
Loupiness


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 831
Date:
Needing to give what I don't have
Permalink  

How do I give what I clearly don't have? I just cannot communicate with my teen son, and when he talks to me, it is often as if I am reliving my time with my exAH. I am getting to a point where I think I may just need to let go and hope that someday maturity and humility (on both our parts) may bring us together again. Am I really that cold and uncaring?  I am starting to think that perhaps maybe I am. 

There is the adult side of me that knows that some of his behavior is 17. However, I also know that we are an alcoholic family, and I have been a star player. When he came back home from living with a friend, he mentioned wanting to get treated for anxiety.  This came up as he talked of his friend's anxiety treatment.  I pretty much dismissed it.  This afternoon in a heated discussion, his description of how he feels, and how I saw him respond, I can see that perhaps it is real. He has researched it and understands the neurology of it.  Clearly, it is the call of a qualified Dr., so I will make the call in the morning. He attaches himself for support to moms (of friends) that basically worship him, and in a way that I can only describe as wierd. Then again, he is reaching out for what he is not getting from me. One is a pain med addict, and I don't know what the other is, other than to say that something isn't right.  She is the mom at the house where he stayed.  My son says she spoils him and coddles him and makes him feel important. Of course when he tells these women his woes, they can only support him for they know tnothing of the other side.  While I do now give them much credibility, my son does, and admittedly it still bothers me. 

He holds firmly to past resentments and our poor par nting choices. Things that weren't so awful, but apparently will affect him for a lifetime. He blames me for every bad grade , all because of a punsihment we gave him in 6th grade. Geez... I want to tell him to get over it, but apparently it is such a big deal.  No apology is enough.  Interesting, in that my exAH has this same trait. I believe that everyone has had negative experiences growing up, but there is a time to just accept it and move on. 

We've attempted therapy sessions twice, once about 3-4 years ago, and just recently. He refuses to continue.  I do not know how to interact with him.  Where I play a part and owe some apologies,  I also have a side and he has a part in in all too. He sees none of that.  He is hurting, I can see that.  I am too, and he cannot. Alateen/Alanon not considerations given where we live. Seems he just wants to be a victim and for me to be different.

Blessings,

Lou



__________________

Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1594
Date:
Permalink  

I am so glad you shared so openly and honestly. Surely there will be many parents out there with a similar walk who can share they E,S,& H.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  


 

Aloha Lou...From my experience he might do well as a member of the Alateen groups...Teens meeting and networking with teens as we do in Al-Anon.  Check out if there is a group available for him.  I sponsored in Alateen for 6+ years and that program works very well also.    (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Jennifer


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1382
Date:
Permalink  

Hello Lou,

I understand your frustration. My brother has extreme anger towards our parents and family for life experiences of 20 years ago and dissatiafaction of everything in life. Nothing A related but I have had to use all my tools to continue the very little relationship we have left after I made boundaries about my listening to his sometimes hours long rants and asked him to please go to therapy and learn how to forgive and let go. For the last year, we have spoken maybe a handful of times at required events after a lifetime of rarely missing a day without talking. I have felt hurt, betrayed by his behind the back talking, cold and heartless, but I don't have constant compassion to give him when nothing changes anymore. It had been going on for three years before this happened. I thought decisions regarding my exAH were bad, this has been worse but easier with the practice I had gotten. My prayers that you find ways of finding common ground and peace.

Jen

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Lou he is looking to you for guidance. Ignore what they say,watch what they do is how I got thru it.

Its hard!! Have you both sat down and wrote up some boundaries and consequences? When my hard core students did this with me, they honestly did most the work. they felt it was in their power and their choices.

So they felt in control, and I felt myself sorta helping them to stay on their path.

It is very difficult to be a single parent to boys. As far as the other moms, it may not be you at all. teenage years are so hard. With single moms being lonely and then the pre adult boys come around, its a recipe for a mess.I know it isn't easy but can you get him into a situation that is for helping teens at risk?Survivor backpacking, a ranch for boys, etc?

Like i said most have a scholarship program that help with or pay all the fees.

You are doing find. You got him home, he is looking for a parent who is stronger than him, yet allows him to make some decisions.

giving you hugs,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
glad lee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1235
Date:
Permalink  

What don't you have, sweetie?

My sponsor's answer to everything is "Get with God," The solution is Higher power. To practice detachment, I have to be aware, I have to invite Higher power in before I speak (or maybe I'm not supposed to speak.)  I consider you to be at an advantage, I never had al-anon while they were still home, I usually just had another margarita, which made everything worse. My kids could NOT WAIT to go away to college! And I couldn't wait either, quite frankly, I was like, "Don't let the door hit you in the a-- on the way out!!!" Yep, I was doing my best/ shrug.

Breathe. Pray. Emotional sobriety is ours, but we have to ask.

No human power can relieve us, but

God could and would if He were sought.

For reasons that seem unclear in the moment, on this spiritual journey there is great purpose for all experiences, that is what I have come to believe. I am soo grateful for al-anon because I am convinced that I would have NO relationship whatsoever with my kids if I didn't stumble into the doors.  Period. I had to change.  And I did. Thank you God. 

All things are possible, Lou. Hang in there, keep posting to get the poison out. It will be okay.  Maybe not the way we think it should be, but it will be okay, leave all the outcomes to God.  (((hugs)))



-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 06:49:55 AM



-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 05:36:58 PM

__________________

The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
freeagain


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 91
Date:
Permalink  

Yeah, I'm right there with ya Lou. I have a 16 yr old. And this morning, after watching her visibly upset and knowing she lied to me about who she was talking to, I asked her if she was going to speak to me about it to which she repiled "no." I asked why and she replied "because I don't want to." So similar to her mentally ill father it is scarey.

I don't think she is being 16 AT me. But it still hurts none the less. Last night we were talking and laughing and then this morning I am the enemy (or so it feels). Ofcourse I am scared she is using or cycling (mental illness) but I do realize there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.

I said a prayer and I will keep praying. I reached out to support systems. I am wracking my tool box for what tool will work with this situation.

You are not alone.



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Needing to give what I don't have