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My addict son asked if he & his girlfriend could move into my apt which will be vacant soon. They have been working on staying "clean" & want somewhere where there is a controlled atmostphere w/ rules. This apt is above my garage on my property. I am not sure if this is a wise thing or not. I made a pros & cons list...among the pros are income & renting to a known person, possibly helping him in his sobriety, someone to watch the place when I'm gone, & help around the property. The cons include relapse potential, "icky" people possibly coming around, financial expectations, & the biggest, conflict w/my boyfriend, who is a recovered alcoholic/ addict of 20 yrs but still has dry drunk tendencies & untreated bipolar disorder, making him very unpredictable. He also lives on the property & claims that having my son around may encourage him to relapse himself. My son has said he would write & sign a behavioral contract w/me & leave if he or the girlfriend break it. He also knows my 3 strikes rule...this is his 3rd strike if it doesn' work. (I've sent him to AZ once, where he was "clean" for about 18 mos & then to rehab last August for 3 weeks. The latter took the last of my savings.) I am really torn...any thoughts on this would be totally appreciated. Thank you!
Oh boy, Trudles. That's a tough one, isn't it? It sounds as if you have a good sense of the pros and cons. If he did relapse, that would be a tough situation, wouldn't it? Even if he followed the agreement and moved out without protest, it would be pretty painful. In that situation, if my exAH had relapsed and started drinking, he would have denied it (so he wouldn't get kicked out, but also because denial and secrecy just go hand-in-glove with alcoholism), and I would have to guess whether he'd relapsed, and be suspicious, and fight with myself about whether I'd snoop around or not... that's one of the parts of it I hate the most.
Only you know how much the stress of a relapse might do to your serenity, and how tough your serenity is. Your boyfriend adds a whole other complication to the mix. I'm trying to get my mind around whether altering your decisions to help keep him stable is prudent or enabling ... it's complicated, isn't it?
My own instinct is that, like me, if you sit on the question a while, the right thing to do will emerge.
Dear Trudless57. I have been in your shoes with rental space that is desired by others.
I have rented at times based on my "heart" (and, yes to blood relatives, among others).
I have learned this--Renting is a BUSINESS decision at baseline. My decisions based purely on empathy, sympathy and "Good Samaritan" principles left me screwed every time!! Getting screwed by friends/family hurts much, much more than being screwed by strangers. There is a sense of betrayal and left me feeling victimized.
I have found that looking closely at past behaviors regarding rent paying, social habits, evidence of responsibility, etc. has been the best predictor of satisfaction in a renter.
Please understand that I am not saying your situation will turn out this way. You know the details better than I do, of course. I am just being very honest with you about how it has worked for me.
I have come to HATE being a landlord and look forward to ending it in the near future.
Take your time trudles...take it up with your HP and Sponsor and keep your weaknesses in mind along with the history of the disease in your life. Luck within the disease is usually not "good" and recovery is about being highly disciplined. One of the people you have to deal with is yourself. How have you done from the past?
When I have a difficult decision to make I put the problem in Step One. I go to more meetings, share what I am going through there, call my sponsor and journal more. In difficult moments while I am waiting for an answer I try to make the challenging hours as a living prayer to my HP through affirmations. It keeps me stronger and supported until I have that "knowing" as to what I should do. I have found the habit of "Pause" which is a wonderful alanon slogan, is the greatest tool I have used. If I don't have clarity, I give my decision another 24 hours.
