The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, all hell broke loose four days ago ending in my AH leaving. Of course, he "didn't do anything wrong." It's all me. I accept responsibility for my actions - snooping around, accusing him without substantial facts, jealousy, distrust. We, as a couple, are in dire straights. There's lots of rubbish that we've left unresolved for years and it came to a head.
To make a long story short, my AH texted me last night to say he'd be home tonight. I texted him back and said that if and when he chose to come home he needed to agree to go to counseling by himself and with me. I've always been afraid to set boundaries because I always wanted the outcome to be what I wanted. Today, however, I know we need help --- more than AA and Al-Anon can provide --- and I'm willing to live with whatever the outcome will be. It's more painful to keep going on the way it is than to live with the possible pain of seeing my marriage come to an end.
I'm sorry you're in this painful situation. I hope you can find the boundaries that are right for you.
It sounds as if your AH is in AA? I understand -- and it makes sense to me -- that if an A is still drinking, counseling won't do much good. Because the insanity of drinking is stronger than any counseling. He can't start listening until he's sober and has a program of recovery to back him up. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't get help on our own recovery, from Al-Anon and counselors, whether or not he's still drinking.
Maybe I've misunderstood and he's already in recovery. Whatever the situation, it sounds as if you have great awareness to see that your relationship is no longer in a "We can solve all this ourselves" mode. It was a revelation to me when a counselor told me that when my stresses were overwhelming me, that meant I needed more support. I had had an inner conviction that I was supposed to solve every problem in life all my myself, without any external help. And without ever admitting to anyone that things were getting too much for me. That was a burden.
Hi! It sounds like you really are heading in the right direction. Everyone has to decide what is right for them but for me, the end of my marriage ended up being the biggest blessing though at the time it seemed like the biggest tragedy. My life is nothing like it was when I was married to my ex-A. There have been some difficult times adjusting to my new life but I never could have imagined things would be this peaceful and filled with calm.
Btw, I also went to therapy many times with my ex. They never treated him but never explained to me why. It always ended in me going to therapy and him going to the bar. No one even confirmed I was right in my concern over his drinking until I got a therapist who had tons of experience with alcoholics. It wasn't until I found a therapist specializing in alcoholism that I got the real help I needed. She was laser sharp in dealing with my ex and this disease. She also refused to treat him until he wanted to get treatment for his drinking. I found her advice the only advice that grasp what I was going through. I think back and wonder what would have happened had I found her earlier. Good luck and take care of yourself!
