The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister, myself and our kids were out shopping the other day getting ready for my mom's 60th bday party. We were buying helium balloons.
I left to grab a few groceries, came back, and the lady had just finished filling up the last balloon. My sister whispered to me:
"That balloon looks bad, it's not as hard and full as the others, I hope she fixes it".
The lady gave us the balloons and with only a moment of hesitation and a quick dismissal of feeling uncomfortable, I asked to feel that balloon. It was really soft and just didn't look right, so I asked:
"Can you please fill up this balloon so it's looks nice and full like the others".
The lady said: "sure, oh, you're right, it does feel deflated".
She returned and I touched the balloon again (it still didn't look right). I squeezed and realized there was a hole in it. I pointed out the hole and asked for another balloon.
The lady apologized and filled us up a new balloon and it looked great.
My sister looked at me and whispered "thanks, I never could have done that".
And I thought, a year ago, I couldn't have either.
This made me think.... where does this come from? My mom always gets what she wants. She's a spectacular negotiator. At a restaurant, if her food is not to her liking, she sends it back, if the sale price doesn't ring up, she brings it to their attention, if she's buying a floor model, she negotiates down the price.....until she gets what she wants (not in a mean way, just very assured of herself).
I remember, growing up, watching her do these things made me uncomfortable. As a kid, I remember always feeling uncomfortable shopping with her cause I knew she would negotiate something and this made me uncomfortable, I was scared the workers didn't like us, thought we were annoying ect.. whatever.
So, how come my mom has always asked for, and mostly, gotten what she wanted, and pointed out when she was 'wronged'.. yet my sister and I are so uncomfortable with this?
At home it was different, my mom would usually always do everything and complain and get mad at my dad for either not doing it, or doing it wrong.... 30 years later, my mom is still doing almost everything (chores, cutting grass, shoving snow ect..) while my dad watches, or sometimes helps if she asks him to, but he never does it properly... and she always gets mad. So, he rarely does anything on his own cause, I would imagine, he's thinking: "what's the point, she'll just re-do it, and I get yelled at either way".
My dad vacuums wrong, throws the snow in the wrong place, puts the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, doesn't empty the bag often enough when cutting the grass, ect. So, since he knows he'll 'get in trouble' for doing it wrong, he usually doesn't do anything which makes him look like an ass while my mom is out shovelling the snow in the freezing weather and he's watching her out the window with his feet up sipping his coffee and reading the paper.
My friends and I used to joke (although, when you think about it, it's really not funny), but we'd joke about how we could write a sitcom about my dad and how he's "living the life". A few summers ago, my mom was up on the ladder cleaning the eaves and up on the roof... the ladder fell and she was stuck on the roof. She was yelling for help but my dad didn't hear her. Dad was upstairs, laying back in his 'dad' chair listening to Bob Dylan with his headphones blaring. He was in a room where you could see the ladder out the window... he would have seen the ladder fall if he was paying attention. A neighbour ended up saving my mom. There are a hundred other similar stories.
When were were kids, my mom worked in another province for a year so my dad played a huge role (we saw my mom every few weekends she'd fly back and we went there for a month in the summer...but my dad played the big parenting role). He CAN do it by himself, but when my mom's around... you wouldn't think it.
I don't know Danielle...I just thought that along with the balloons there might be attached a meeting list for Al-Anon or a wrapped up copy of the ODAAT or something like that. Probably your ESH is the most powerful thing in her life at the moment and it might just have to be quietly unwapped. Risky thought, giving her your ESH without expectations. Hmmmm...I've done that myself and saw and felt changes in my mom and step dad. Always did it after consultation with my HP...always. Don't step out of bounds on humility. One of the times was when my Mom was in a aging facility and it was near the end time for her and my wife (Al-Anon) member and I went to see her and when we decided to leave my Mom got very agitated; she didn't want to be left alone, fearful of the passing process she was in so my wife and I excused ourselves for a minute to talk about what we could do to support her and the answer came back that we would allow ourselves to be taught about the dieing process while we help her understand the process of letting go of fear as we have been taught in Al-Anon. Marvelous outcome...all of us let go of fear and it was okay for my wife and I to leave until later. Understand my mother wasn't able to even speak verbally at that time and was partially pralyzed. My mother was never told that we were members of the fellowship and didn't know that what she was party to came from it. It is what we continue to do today because it worked for us and that is all we have for experience.
Give your Mom a hug from Hawaii. Here have some also (((((hugs)))))
I was in a similar situation with my mom for a time during my teen years. I was not able to do household chores correctly and felt horrible when she would point out mistakes or get angry abuot having to redo something I had done. It went on for quite a while and caused some problems in our relationship until one day it dawned on me that had she really wanted something doen correctly, she could have taught me how to do it instead of expecting me to know how. Pointing this out did not fix anything in her expectations but it did fix my hurt feelings. I still remember feeling like I had grown up that day being able to see it differently ... and I changed, I did the things I wanted to do and kept the house the way I wanted to and let go of the rest.
What is odd is that I lost that confidence later in life with both my first fiance and then with my exAH. Both had tactics of making me feel that I needed to be a certain way in order keep a smooth path. And I would have never dared to speak up as a consumer. I am not sure if that is a confidence aspect or fear of showing disapproval because it hurt me. I do not know.
Al-Anon has helped me to get back to that place I found when I was young and lost along the way. The other day I was with my exAH in a very public setting for the first time in many years (he was nice enough to escort me to a function for school in an unfamiliar and hard to navigate for the visually impaired place when my arranged person was ill) and I explained to many people that I am visually impaired, asked for what I needed kindly but with confidence and met a few new people. Of course those Aisms I recognise in my exAH reared up and he commented that I tell people too much information and should not be so friendly. LOL I still laugh that at one time those words would have made me cringe and change my whole attitude but not now ... during the presentation I quietly said hula hoop and later explained that until he has walked in my shoes and had my needs and found a better way of accomplishing my goals to let me do my thing without judgement. As I have grown in the program I have come to see that it is natural to have needs and those needs are important. Acknowledging them in situations of purchases, relationships and accepting myself has alot of influence over my resntments and ability to interact with others. I think the slogan say what you mean without saying it mean simplifies an extremely important part of my journey in this area.
Your mom sounds like me. I have two sisters and they wouldn't even think of gently stating what they felt was fair. They don't know how to be assertive and gently speak up. They get angry finally and abusive about it, even if it is during an unrelated incident days, weeks or months later.
I can easily state what I want and what I feel is fair. As children we were regularly ridiculed and told what we were doing was somehow wrong or not good enough, much like your mom does with your dad.
I used to do the same thing with people around me. I ended up doing everything by myself. People either were scared to do it out the need to avoid my ridicule, or not wanting to waste their time since I was going to redo it anyways.
I was responsible for my part and others for theirs. I was not responsible for their inability to care for their own needs, and respond to my demands in a way that brought them the desired results. I was not responsible for them avoiding as a means of dealing with things and not doing their part in the family unit. My A still has a hard time with this as I was like that for years with him. I can only do my part and leave others to do theirs.
