New and trying to understand - Al-Anon Family Group

lostinchicago · Newbie

New and trying to understand

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, and welcome!

We work our own program of recovery because we are unique individuals who are deserving of living happy, joyous, and free - regardless of whether someone else continues to live in addiction. With time and practice, we learn that just because another person drinks/smokes/does whatever else, we don't have to take on a negative mood.

For me, the realization and acceptance that I was sick and could recover EVEN IF the alcoholics in my life stayed sick allowed me to get past the "it's not fair I'm working a recovery program and they're not" feeling. In time, I came to believe that me working a recovery program was the best thing for my life that ever happened, and I began to feel gratitude about it. I began to realize that I was the lucky one - I was getting help. Other people were still sick. They really weren't "getting away with" anything.

In my experience, doing the actions - even when I didn't feel willingness or anything else - lead to positive results. I took almost a year to get a sponsor and start working the steps. I didn't feel anything - I wanted to wait until I started feeling better. (I was also very shy and scared to ask someone to be my sponsor, but that's another story). Turns out that by taking no action, nothing was changing. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I could not think my way into acting. I could, however, act my way into thinking. That's what happened. I got a sponsor and did what she said, to the best of my ability. I did it even though I didn't underestand it and didn't know for sure if it would or could help me. In time, my thinking came around. This happened by just taking the action - doing the next right thing, getting a sponsor and doing what was suggested.

Just taking the actions, even when I didn't feel anything, ended up changing my life. When I began taking the actions, I began to be able to practice detachment. It's still not a perfect practice, but I work at it and it's better than it used to be. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Don't minimize your contribution to your family. Sure, you enjoy the wonderful things about staying home. However, that is every bit as hard a job as any job out there in the paying job world. You have a stressful job, too. I have 2 little boys and I work full time - I dont' think I could do your job. Kudos to you for being able to. :)

Bottom line - we realize after a while that we don't need to take someone else's temperature to see how WE are going to feel. If someone else is drinking, we do not need to let our mood go to hell in a handbasket. We have the choice to go on with our day, find something fun to do, enjoy our children, and find all the little things to be grateful for. The active alcoholic is the one that is missing out.

:) Keep coming back,

Summer

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Jennifer,

Welcome to MIP. This site has been a life saver to me.

I think detaching is a very hard thing all on its own. Detaching with love is even harder. It would be a little hard for me to relate as my A is my child but let me try to explain how I do it and believe me I don't ALWAYS do it. I was once married to an A a very long time ago...my son's bio dad. It was a short marriage because I knew he had a drinking problem even at the ripe old age of 18. I grew up with an A dad. Although I really knew little about Aism, I watched my mom live with it for many years and 5 children at home. I thought I'd better get out before I brought a 2nd child into the chaos. I can't remember if I tried to get him to stop. I just knew I couldn't stand the sight of him drunk. Plus, I did have a fear of him hitting me. I guess I didn't stay around long enough for that. I was pregnant when I got married and my son was under 2 years old when I left. He once told me he would stop drinking if I would come back to him. I thought if he didn't stop for himself then he certainly really did not want to stop so I never returned.

Fast forward to the present....Needless to say my son is an A. I always thought he might be even when he was little. His bio father and grandfather were. My father, my dad's father and my mom's father all were A's. My present husband of 37 years is not an A but his dad was and died in his 40's. I believe his mom was an A too. I consider my younger son an A ...just a little more functional at this time.

Both of my boys know and admit they have a problem. My older son will admit he is an A but I have not actually ever heard my younger son say those words. He says things like he has to stop for awhile or he has to stop drinking before he gets drunk. He really doesn't get it yet, I don't think.

Wow...did I get off track here or what? Sorry!

If those people were in my life today (they have all passed away at fairly young ages) I would feel so much different toward them. I now have so much compassion for any A. Nobody wants to live that kind of life. Your husband doesn't like living with the fact that he is an A. He is sick, he has a physical disease just as sure as my mother has alzhimers. I do not like the way she acts with this disease but I know she cannot help it. I must detach with love from her as much as I have to detach with love from my sons. I tell my son all the time that I am so sorry for him that he has this disease and that sometimes this disease makes him do things that really make me fearful. The love is always there but I know I must detach or I will go down with him. When you look at your A in disgust try to remember that he is sick. Maybe try to picture the disease in his brain. In the meantime you cannot let yourself go down that road with him. You must take care of you...whatever that looks like. When my son was still at home and I knew he was out at a bar and would most likely be driving when the bar closed I was like a maniac. I couldn't sleep. I would be jumping up at the window everytime I saw headlights praying it was him and that he made it home again. One dayat a time, with the help of this program, I was able to change that. It was slow for me but one night while laying in bed thinking about where he was and what he was doing I took the advice of someone and pictured my HP's loving arms around him. I told HP that I loved my son so much but that He would have to take care of him. I told myself whatever happens...happens. It was out of my control. Eventually I noticed that when I was in bed thinking about him I did not have that knot in my stomach anymore. WOW...that felt great.

I certainly hated what he was doing to his life but I knew he was a sick man and I know that I will never stop loving him. I understand that a husband is a different story but if you just realize how sick he is, love him and do whatever you have to do to keep yourself sane then I think that is detaching with love.

I posted this under Post Quick Reply. I didn't mean to go on and on with my life story. I thought about deleting it and then I remembered....take what you want and leave the rest.

Love and hugs to you

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to say I can relate about detaching. My life has been full of not detaching from my obsessions (whoever it is I am in love with) and I have a very hard time distracting my mind so I can focus on myself and not what my A is doing. I can relate as well because the person in my life that is an A is my boyfriend and I don't really want to make any kind of decision to leave or break up right now, and I want to learn more about alanon before I make any major changes. So I came back to alanon after a hiatus because I knew that even though I may feel ok, I wasn't really feeling great. And alanon seems to help me focus on me a little bit better than when I am alone. Detaching with love... Its so hard, but I equate it to when I allow my kids to go out and play or go do something without me. I have to allow them to do those things so they can grow into adults without me keeping a constant watch on them. Its not healthy for either of us. So I try to apply that thought to my bf, when we leave each other for the day, I try to calmly remember that he is his own person and doesn't need me to keep a constant check on him. He is an adult and I hate the feeling of someone constantly checking on me, so why would he like it when I do it? I have stopped snooping and other such things that caused me my sanity. I still worry, but I am beginning to understand that I need only worry about me and what I do. It is hard. Its not easy, and I am working on it. HUGS!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lost...Welcome to the board and WOW!! does the program work. What is going on with you (just you) is a consequence of what you have not been doing in recovery. I was told about it, watched it happen with others and had it happen to me. The program works when you work it and when I back off I get all my problems back plus. Go back to what you were doing and continue your progress. Getting "into" the steps rather than just memorizing them saved my life by changing how I live it. I am forever grateful for the program.

Your alcoholic is slipping and so are you...what you're getting as a result is normal and proper for the behavior. I didn't like hearing that and then hearing the truth back then always did upset me because it called for action and responsibility.

How to learn detachment? from inside the program for me...from the membership in the meetings, literature, events...living the program. Detachment became an art form for me and still is. It's a big part of being in the swamp without having the muck attach itself to me.

How do I love and care for my alcoholic but love and take care of me and the kids? I learned how to increase the love (complete and total acceptance) and decrease the care (giving). I learned how to allow my alcoholic/addict the dignity of her own choices and the consequences she received from it. The alcoholic is responsible and is supposed to be responsible for themselves while also being responsible to others. When I didn't allow her to follow thru on that many negative things happened for her, for me and for us. Don't interfer...Detach!! Don't Even Think About Changing Her (Him). Great acronym huh?!!

For me what works comes from the experiences of the other members. I get to take what I like and leave the rest. I get to do what they did that worked and have it work for me.

Al-Anon is a program of practice not just membership. Hold on to your membership there and here...Keep coming back...talk to others about what has worked for them over and over just as you are doing now and practice. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there lostinchicago and glad you found MIP! I want to share with you that I dettached with hostility at first and that didn't work out very well, the more I held onto my resentment and bitterness the worse I felt. Until I felt compassion and saw my AH seperatly from his disease than I could dettach with love. I found a sponsor at my face to face meetings early this year and it has helped me immensly and reading Al-anon literature with this site to work on my recovery. The more I change myself and my attitudes toward life and people the more I feel the merely surving slip away. I hand over more and more to my HP which he can handle and manage much better than I, Let Go and Let God. The 3 C's help me with releasing him too, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. The more I focused on me and what I can control the more energy I had to put into the kids and other things. Take care of yourself and keep coming back!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.