The material presented
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level.
I'm new here. I've been married to an alcoholic for 38 years. After retirement he finished building a small airplane but before he could fly it he had to have a medical. His pilot's license was taken away from him because he had been drinking a lot again.
He found a woman at the local airport who would fly with him so he could fly his new plane. I have always trusted him, he has never cheated on me. I even thanked the bitch for giving him the opportunity to fly.
You guessed it, they ended up having an affair. She's married to an alcoholic also but they live on separate floors of the house. She refuses to leave him.
Husband went on vacation in Dec and he asked her to leave her husband for him. She refused. He brought her back all sorts of gifts from Mexico and brought nothing for me, and more importantly brought nothing for our kids.
He kept coming home and leaving and finally came home in February and I thought was ready to start to marriage counselling. We went to a few sessions and he decided it wasn't for him. He kept lying to the counsellor anyway.
He did stop seeing this woman but continued to text her and email her on secret accounts. He told me it was over I don't know how many times.
He's very depressed now because he's lost his pilot license for good and has had to sell his airplane. Because of his depression he was living in our basement and seldom left the house, so I know he wasn't seeing her.
But I've found that he has continued to text her and email her. He says it's because she is a pilot and understands and I don't understand because I'm not a pilot.
He says the emails are innocent. I asked if they were innocent why he was keeping them a secret from me. He said he'd lost most of his friends and she was just a good friend that he enjoyed talking to sometimes.
He's been telling me once he gets the airplane delivered to eastern Canada he will straighten up and he will let me know if he still wants to be married to me. It was suppose to go in April... the weather will never be good all across the country so it keeps getting put off. Now he says next week but I can't count on that anymore.
He is still emailing with her even though he told me again (about 6 times) he wasn't.
Today I got tired of him telling me he'd decide if he wants to stay married to me after the plane is gone. It's been 3 months. I think that's being pretty patient.
My behaviour has not been good. I keep having meltdowns, I cry, I'm hurt. He just says "Sorry" but he makes no move to comfort me or understand how much pain he's caused me.
I'm not good at setting boundaries but today I finally did it. I told him he needed to get an apartment of his own. If he can't decide if he wants to stay married to me, if our marriage isn't a priority to him then that means he doesn't want to stay married to me. It's unfair of him to keep me hanging with promises of "just 2 more weeks".
Because I'm not good at boundaries I told him he'd have to move out immediately and stay in a hotel until he finds an apartment. I don't want to have any contact with him until he comes back from Toronto.
At that point if he chooses to enter marriage counselling with me I will go, but he has to initiate it and want it. Otherwise our marriage is dead.
I'm very sad. I've had since last November to grieve his betrayal and I'm doing pretty good right now at holding myself together and being strong.
Was I patient enough? I was reading the literature and it sounds like I wasn't... how long are we expected to be patient when dealing with an alcoholic?
Welcome to the board. I'm so glad that you found us.
Are you able and/or interested in Al-Anon meetings? There are online meetings here, too.
I was married for 36 years, recently divorced last June. I went to counseling off and on for around 17 years. I began meetings just last month. I sure wish I had gone a lot sooner! The members are so welcoming and certainly understand. I learn so much from listening to those who have been in the program for a while. Some even live with active acoholics and manage to be happy.
I hope you consider Al-Anon.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
(((Meadow))),
Your story is a familiar one to most of us on here. It is amazing how much control alcoholics (who are out of control) have over our lives. I think you are on the right path. You will find just what you are looking for here. I know I did. The honest caring responses to my questions helped me learn about alcohol, alcoholism, and their effects on my life. I ended up making the right decision for me which was to move on from my AH. I can say that it has been about 5 years now and things are much better though I still struggle sometimes with the affects of my old relationship. I am still baffled by what happened in my relationship and know that I might not ever truly understand it. But...that's ok.
I found that reading the book Getting Them Sober helped me a lot. I started to see the alcoholic for what he was, powerless. He was the patient masquerading as the doctor and I believed the disguise. Ugh...this disease is so confusing but you can get a grip on it and find serenity. Keep coming back and things will change in time.
Thanks Gail and Sunny. I did attend online meetings in the late 1990's but then WBS shut down. I was on a few email lists as well. I don't go to local AlAnon meetings because the ones we have here just aren't that good. I live in Western Canada. I visit in Eastern Canada a lot and go to meetings there but haven't visited for awhile. Their meetings are great. I had an online sponsor from the States and she was awesome but we've lost touch.
I'm just realizing now how much I've slipped back and have stopped reading my literature. I'm getting back into it.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now, and I am so happy that you have found your way here, just try to remember this is not about you, of course your hurting thats normal but your husband is being very unreasonable and I agree that you need to draw a boundary for yourself, if he understood your hurt he wouldn't be doing what he is doing with so little respect for you, he will not see or feel your pain because he is obsorbed in his own.
Keep coming here and vent run things past these wise people here try and find a face to face, just know we understand.
Hi Meadow, I relate to you and wanted answers like was I patient enough and had I went through enough, but I believe the truth is only you will know the answer to that. I am sorry that your life is hard right now and am sending some love and strength your way right now. I think boundaries are good and face to face meetings are very helpful too. I am glad you found MIP they have some very wise Al-anoners here. Keep coming back!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
