The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In early September, I started dating a guy who seemed to be a fairly nice guy. Seemed like he had spirituality, was working a program, had 15 years sober & clean, we both hit it right off and we had a wonderful time hanging out together. No physical. Just friendship. It was great.
Then one night in the rooms, he was cracking on someone half his age. I distanced myself from him and told him if that's what he wanted to go ahead, I'd stay out of his way.
I stayed away from him, but he continued to say it wasn't what he wanted and our friendship continued.
About a month & a half ago, we started hanging out much more and he asked me to spend the night, nothing physical, I had the spare room. We still got along great and things were good. Then he asked me to move in and be an exclusive relationship... still platonic but exclusive and us not dating anyone else. I did, and it was still good for about two weeks...then I started seeing another side of him. I started seeing that he was misusing his medications for a messed up back. I began to see signs of active addiction. Little bits and pieces of things that happened before I moved in, and even as far back as when we first started hanging out, started making sense. His over the top speach that I had sometimes wondered about became apparent when he was over medicating and I saw it now. I saw that it was more than him just being tired at night, it didn't happen when he didn't over medicate.
He claimed to his sponsor that he wasn't taking more meds than he should when he was questioned about it, but I knew the truth. He wasn't taking more than his allotment, but he was saving them through the day and taking them at night instead to cop a high and borrowing from the next days, and going to different doctors to get more scripts, then add in dentists, etc...
One day he was exceedingly grouchy and hateful with me... he had never been before. Anything I said seemed to irritate him. I wondered if he was withdrawing or over medicating. Figured it was one or the other. After four days of it, I then asked him if he had regrets of me moving in. He said in a very hateful way that he wanted the relationship over. Now granted, I had given up my home, my furnishing, my little things that make a home a home... and was now being given the boot. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't. I told him I needed a little time to get a different place to stay and he agreed. Believe me, I didn't plan to stay long. I was crushed. Am crushed.
The next day, he left a piece of paper on the counter with a girls name & number on it and out of curiosity, I looked it up on the net. A page that was associated with that number came up and I followed the link. It was the exact same page I had seen him studying that afternoon BEFORE all this happened. That hurt.
I called my previous landlord and asked to come back and they agreed happily. So far, I have back about 80% of my stuff, and I am pretty satisfied about that part of it. I was out of his home in about two days although I do need to go back and get a few items that were too large for me to transport. I took nothing of his in any way shape or form.
After I moved out, I found out that back in December, he had asked out ANOTHER girl who was half his age. (Active addiction behavior)
I also found out after I moved out that about the time he got super hateful, his doctor caught on to him prescription collecting and called his other doctors and put him on a watch list. He had not mentioned that to me. (Active addiction behavior)
I remembered when people called, how he would lie to them and tell them he was going to do something different so he didn't have to go to their home or activity so he could stay at home, but rather than just tell the truth, he lied. (Active addiction behavior)
I found out after I moved out that he had not told one single person that he and I had started an exclusive relationship. Floored me. They couldn't understand why I would give up my home to just move in with a friend, and it wasn't until they knew he had asked for the exclusive relationship that they began to see the whole picture. Apparently though, he didn't want the word out in case he wanted to "play the game."
Through all of this, he and I were platonic, and perhaps it would have hurt more had we not been.. but it feels pretty bad as it is. I want to forgive, but at this moment, I just don't have it in me.
Hi, Courage -- so sorry this has happened. It sounds very painful. But I'm so impressed by your recovery -- you caught on to what was happening to him, and you knew that pleading, badgering, and arguing wouldn't do any good. It takes many of us years to learn those things!
One of the things I've had the most trouble with is taking relationships slowly. My experience is that things seem great in the first six months, and in the second six months you start to find out who the other person really is. Because everybody tries to be their best, most fabulous self, but six months is about all anyone can keep it up for. So the first six months is the heady wonderful phase, and the second six months begins the authentic phase. That's why my therapist urged me not to jump into commitment. She said to take it slowly and make sure everything was still fine before making each step. I have to say that the times I didn't do this -- which is most of the times -- I sure regretted it later. Because the truth would come out nine months in or so, and I was in a situation where it was really hard to disentangle myself. In the old days the saying was "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."
I am so inspired that you got your old place back and took good care of yourself. It sounds to me as if your expectations got ahead of reality. It is so, so painful when that happens. I'm sure the anger and hurt help you keep your distance and detachment. I wish I had protected myself as solidly as you when I found out my boyfriend was addicted. Keep on taking good care of yourself. Hugs.
C2C - If you don't feel like forgiving him for what he has done - then don't. He has treated you abominably and you owe him nothing. Yes, you hit it off and maybe even thought you loved him - Once! But he has betrayed your trust. He is very unlikely to change so you need to have a strict talk with yourself. Do you really want to take someone on fopr the rest of your life who will decieve, lie and betray you for all of your life? You have some hard thinking to do. On this Board we cannot tell you what to do. We can only give advice and pointers as to what to do with an inherted plot or a spare room, etc.
Ayway, have giood weekend eveyon - and I nice lie-in
First let me say I am sorry you are hurt. Now let me tell you one thing that is a fact about addiction. You know how to tell when an addict is lying thier lips are moving and that is a fact. If he is going from doctor to doctor than his problem is way beyond what you even know. Fortunately for you you got out. As much as it hurts it is absolutley the best thing that could have happened for your life.
I wish you the best you are in my prayers. Be thankful for today and try and remember tomorrow is always a better day!!!! Hugs dear friend.
Aloha Courage to Change...That is a great piece of working program!! Pat yourself on the back and forgive yourself for any perceived mistake. The disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and I bow to the fact that I can get had by it on even my best program days. I am POWERLESS!! I only hope to get back into manageable like you did as quickly as you did and as smoothly. Good job!!
Since this is a disease and he has been living with it and it owns him and he is trying to survive with it and appear normal to everyone and himself while the disease is trying to take his life; I watched my alcoholic/addict wife go thru this; what did I have to forgive her for? What was required from me was understanding and compassion a non-judgemental attitude and behavior and the courage to change the things I could - ME. Calling the former landlord and getting back to your own safety is good ESH. Great ESH. Sounds like you had a HP working with you on that one.
I'm glad you shared this experience here. ((((hugs))))
There is a saying at meetings...."We are all here because we are not all there." Sometimes I must remind myself that we are sick people trying to get better....all of us (and yes, that includes me in a big way). Hence, I am trusting of the fellowship with my recovery, but I keep limits on it with my personal life to an extent. I have been up the river without a paddle and I don't like it.
Sorry you ran into one of the sicker ones. Some of the things you described are not specifically "active addict" behavior. Most guys want to date girls half their age. Questionable morals doesn't always = addictive behavior. Also, someone can be working a great program and still have a personality that annoys and grates on me.
I think your feelngs of being lied to and betrayed are causing you to hyperfocus on his program or lack there of. The alanon issue here what part you played in all this? How can you avoid losing yourself and your self-esteem in someone elses crazy addiction? Understanding that is all you can do to help you anyhow.
I think OP has every right to be ticked off over his behavior. That's not addict behavior, that's just plain JERKY behavior.
pinkchip wrote:
There is a saying at meetings...."We are all here because we are not all there." Sometimes I must remind myself that we are sick people trying to get better....all of us (and yes, that includes me in a big way). Hence, I am trusting of the fellowship with my recovery, but I keep limits on it with my personal life to an extent. I have been up the river without a paddle and I don't like it.
Sorry you ran into one of the sicker ones. Some of the things you described are not specifically "active addict" behavior. Most guys want to date girls half their age. Questionable morals doesn't always = addictive behavior. Also, someone can be working a great program and still have a personality that annoys and grates on me.
I think your feelngs of being lied to and betrayed are causing you to hyperfocus on his program or lack there of. The alanon issue here what part you played in all this? How can you avoid losing yourself and your self-esteem in someone elses crazy addiction? Understanding that is all you can do to help you anyhow.
