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With my A on his step two things are getting worse. I am doing the very best I can, and at times like this morning all I can do is shut my mouth, ignore him and go on with my day. I feel like hitting him lots of the time the last week.
I spend time working on myself, determing what is right for me. My A gives me five pecks on the mouth before bed every night. I despise it. We have talked about it numerous times and I have expressed how upsetting it is that the only time he will really "kiss" me is if we are having sex and even that has been extremely limited until recently. Every night I go to bed pissed off at the lack of intimacy and emotion in our relationship. I don't even want to kiss him at night anymore. So last night I just say that I don't want a kiss. He is of course upset that I am being rejecting. I heard about that for sure.
This morning he is yelling and swearing at me, at 7am. If I am to ignore him it is worse. He get's mad at me for shutting down and ignoring him, but he won't quit screaming and swearing at me. He then goes on about how I am just trying to use the "tactic" of ignoring to control him as I know it drives him crazy. Talking doesn't work. There is no reasoning. He won't respond nicely if I say I am processing something and I will get back to him about it.
This morning I received a long winded text and my reply was "You may be right, I will think about that". I don't think he is right.....I think he is sick. Now here I am lying about the situation.
What did any of you do about the verbal abuse. He just won't shut up!!!!!!!! I am on the verge of kicking his behind right out the door. I live my program, concentrate on myself all the time and that is even hard to do as he is always harping on me if I don't look happy enough to explain myself. I can't think unless he is not around.
I know as a result of working the alanon program that I have choices. I can either stay there or leave the room. I had NO IDEA I could do that. I have practiced both over the years. What keeps things simple is I make it a practice not to answer statements.
My favorites safe responses are:
You might be right
Is that so
Hmmmm
Huh
Yes
No
I'll have to get back to you on that
I just keep it real simple until I can get through that moment and call my sponsor followed up with an Alanon meeting. That type of behavior was really present in my home when I first started coming to Alanon. However, I cant remember the last time I have had that kind of talk in my house. I think for me the key was to use those safe responses, do the step work with a sponsor and get to meetings.
Also, most importantly I wanted to add if I was ever pressured into making a decision by my AH the answer was always NO. That is why I have in my toolbox the "I'll have to get back to you on that" It keeps me safe until I can think about the decision and respond with an answer that is in my best interest rather than "react" with an answer and be resentful.
Thanks for the reply. I know I have choices. I leave the room and he follows me. I go out and I have to turn my phone off so he isn't texting me all the time. My cell is my primary business phone so during the day I can't turn it off without being able to have clients call me. I ignore the texts. I ignore the house phone ringing. I work with children out of my house. When I do those things, he will come downstairs where the children are to confront me.
I go to meetings all the time. I have done all my steps more than once, I listen to speakers consistently on my iphone that I download. I meditate, read my daily readers, work my program, do a step ten nightly and read the Al-anon third step prayer upon waking and going to bed.
I don't answer statements and he will rant about the ignoring. I don't even answer questions anymore as they aren't really asked to gain information, but to trap me in a lie.
He rants and tosses things around in front of our son to get a response. When I don't give it, he says things in front of our son that will confuse him or victimize himself in front of our son.
I keep praying and leaving it with my HP. Daily there is another outburst and I have to find another way of dealing with it. I know my HP is right beside me, and maybe I have something to learn. I would prefer my HP to yell it in my ear. :)
I don't feel pressured to make decisions, except to kick him out of course. :) I feel smothered, badgered and abused. The verbal abuse and yelling is really getting to me now. When he is yelling and swearing at me I just want to crawl into a hole. When he is doing it in front of our son, I just want him to go away. I have a responsiblity to not allow my son to be in an abusive situation. This is not how I want him to see women being treated and accept this as the norm.
I can relate to the ¨He just won't shut up!¨ part of your post. A recent development when my ah is drinking he gets angry about something and goes on long, ugly rants. Sometimes it's about me, sometimes it's about our neighbor, sometimes it's about life in general. And he won't shut up even after I tell him I'm not going to listen to it. I finally realized the only way I was not going to hear it was to remove myself from his presence. Sometimes he follows me. That's when I go in the bedroom and lock the door. Eventually he gets tired of yelling at a closed door and goes away. I hate that I have to do that. But it's better than listening to his anger (that he won't remember a bit of the next day).
Clep, your'e doing all the right things with taking action in your program. When I am taking all the action I know to do, I meet with my sponsor and reason things out to get a fresh new perspective on the circumstances in life that are disturbing me.
I cant help but think of Page 449 in 3rd edition of BB of AA. And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed.....
Dear Clep, you use the word abuse in your posting. Do you feel that you are being abused?
If so, perhaps you can ask some senior members--or others who have had to handle this type of situation themselves--what to do in an abusive situation. Maybe make that the subject of a new post.........? I think you will get some helpful responses.
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 28th of April 2011 05:43:23 PM
Aloha Clep...I relate and feel sad with you cause this is such a spirit trying condition. It wears the mind, body, spirit and emotions OUT!!. If he is in program (AA or other) you might suggest that he speak with his sponsor and that you are not that. He cannot and willnot be able to find solutions to his problems by insistently leaving them on you. I've done that a few times in the past and it helped me nicely.
If the verbalizing is abusive...insistent, threatening, overwhelming, causing anguish on any levels...911 is a helpful tool. I use to work within the domestic violence industry and verbal abuse is abuse. Some of my guys would deny it and couldn't see it however they came to understand that it indeed was and that they themselves would never put up with it from anyone else...so out of the house...he goes seeks counseling and/or a program and learns a new way of behavior which is respectful of you and others.
I'm not advising because I don't know your situation or your husband. I don't know what will if anything accelerate his anger only you can understand that and only you an make your choices...911 is one tool and only one. Go look thru your tool box. Hmmm sponsors are tools also. In support (((((hugs)))))
I know full well the onslaught of the phone calls. I turned my phone off at one time and it did indeed affect my work. No one could get a hold of me! They held it against me.
Living with someone who just boils over is very very difficult. I felt absolutely sick to the point of exploding regularly.
Creating space is not something that came easily to me. Eventually I did create space. I said I didn't feel well (which of course was true) I didn't reply. I got really super busy on making a plan be.
None of my actions affected the Ex A's slide into end stage alcoholism. What changed was me. I stopped being available as a dumping ground. The more space I created for me the more clarity I got. Who said it would be easy.
Oh Jerry, your posts are always so helpful to me. :) That is exactly what I will do. Just tell him he can go to his sponsor, and keep saying it. That is something he will probably anger over at first, but if I am persistent that just might work.
Recently his brother came to stay with us on the weekends he has his kids. The boundaries that had to be set were overwhelming. He would just come by and go to sleep, leaving us to care for his small spoiled children. That was the first upset and it just went on from there. My A found it to be too much to have him stay with us and thanks to HP he found his own place and didn't have to stay with us anymore, releiving my A of the task of telling his brother he couldn't stay at our home anymore. My A was so upset that his brother was so difficult and determined that when so many boundaries have to be set, there comes a time to put a stop to the regular contact.
This morning before I wrote this original post I did let my A know quietly that the boundaries I have to set where he is concerned are overwhelming to me. I left it at that. Today he has not badgered me. I am kind of shocked. He did ask me what was wrong like he does all day, even when nothing is wrong. I just told him I prefer not to discuss my feelings as that leads to problems. He left it at that. Maybe his brother being here was HP opening his eyes for the first time to how exhausting setting so many boundaries can be.
Things seem more on an even keel for now, which I am grateful for. It is nice to be able to think.
Your post Jerry has given me some hope again. Thank you.
Well since my clients are parents wanting to know how their children are doing, that poses a problem.
I have his number on a special ringer as well as his texts now so I can know it is him and ignore him.
Dumping ground.....that is exactly how I feel. I took up scrapbooking several months ago and have every Saturday booked for that from morning till night. It is pure bliss. I have my meetings, hobbies and friends. It seems I am gone often now.
I have all four volumes of Getting them Sober as well as the workbook. Good reminder!!!!! I haven't read them for a while. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Even though he is working a program, most of the time in the early stage of returning to his program, his behavior is upsetting and this thinking distorted. Those books are just what I need right now. Looks like I will be doing that tonight. Time to relax in my bed with a good book.
Glad you found some helpful esh for yourself in dealing with your current situation. I know how hard it can be to remove yourself from the situation as they follow/call/text/bang on doors ect... and with a child, it's harder to just leave or ignore the door banging and yelling.
