The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Isn't it Funny How... All Winter I Can Sit around & Moan & Grown about how much I Wish it would be over, and then Spring Comes, the Floods Come, & I Wish that to be Over as Well, Then its Too Hot, Too Wet, Too Wndy, Too Chilly...and well I think I have covered every season in there...
I am so Grateful I Found this Program... This Journey really! I can't say that I have Mastered "One Day at A Time" or been able to Let Go & Let God At every second of my Life, But I Can say, I See Improvements in my Growth as a Person, I can See that "I/ME" Am Now Worth Sticking Up for...
My Husband, who also of Late has been Going thru alot of "Emotions" to which is a subject he would be OK Just Never bringing up, for it is "Un" Manly... (Too Him) and Ya Know I Get that NOW... I Never did Before, I Just seen him as a Stubburn old Bull Head... :0) Can't say he isn't that at times as well, BUT... In Fairness, I too have my "ticks" that drive him mad ;0) I tend to Roll in like a Steam Roller when things are not getting Done at "My" Pace... The Cody in me takes over and says: Just Do it... Be Pissed... and Move On.... But we have Come so far these last 2 years and I know it is because of All of you, and this Program...We Talk More Openly then before, We Share things that I had No Idea he even Gave a Crap about... So I Kept them to Myself... It has Really Opened up a New World and its funny because I now know more about him in these last 2 years, then i did the 1st 13 we were together... Funny how when I Work On Me... Others Seem to Follow Suit... What a Movement it has been in my Home... Even My Son has Noticed :0)
Since i have Started this Journey to Recovery, I have learned many things about boundry's and fairness, and tweaking my "Over barringness" upon people, I have tried not to be So Needy, when it comes to always having to be "Around" people...Too Scared to be alone... No Self esteem to even Look at Myself, Let alone try & Fix it... I have learned that tho there are things in my life that I Now See Needs Improving, I am Now Aware, and I Can now Adjust, and in doing this, I am seeing My Husband, & Those around me in a Whole New Light, I Can see Compassion for those that "Are" Doing it... That Are Putting themselves out their, and chasing their dreams... But I Still have some work to do when it comes to the ones that Think... The World & Everyone Around them owes them Something... I Still am Seeking Out Compassion for them! Progress Not Perfection...
This Weekend, My ASister and I are Heading to our Hometown and Dropping Our Kayaks in the Crick that we had ALL Our Most Memorable Moments in Childhood in...The Good times the Bad times, But Mainly the Best Time in our Childhood that Didn't Seem So Damaged Before Dad's Disease was Spread thru out!
My Stomach has been in knots, and the cricks are up pretty good, but I am Hoping they Drop a Touch before Saturday...My Nervousness I can Not Put a Finger on any ONE thing... Because I LOVE Kayaking, and being in the water, with just Me & Nature, and I Do Love my Sister, but its almost like I am feeling Excited about the Journey, Yet knowing that at some point in the day, her & I will have a New Understanding of Each Other.... (It is going to be a Day Long Trip)... Her & I Alone!!!... Soooo I Am Packing HP's Bag, and Draggin Him along .... Tho I Can not Wait to See the Beauty of the Steam of My Childhood, I Also know that it is going to open the Flood Gates of My Past, My Present & My Future... I Can Feel My Spirit already and I Still have 2 more days to Go...
I Think one of My Fears is that My ASister will Finally Understand how i Feel about her Not Speaking to my Deseased Afather for 13-15 years before he died, and How i Feel about her not speaking to our 87 yr old Grandma that is still living, because I know me... I know that the things that haunt me the most are the things I Keep from those I Love, and in order to set them Free, I Need to Speak up, put it out, and Let it Go... So I am Just Back on my Roller Coaster Ride, TRYING Not to Project, and keep both feet on the ground, and Just Praying for Safe Travels FULL Of Being, "Happy ... Joyous... & Free" Trying not to have Expectations too... Shewww Not Easy...
Tho I am Over the Moon about Doing it, I am Still Nervous a Little Scared, but not that I Don't Trust HP, I just at times feel its the ones without their HP I Worry about, and Yet I know Worry gets me no where, It is almost like a Gene Pasted down from generation to generation...But I am Getting Better then Times Past :0)
So... i'm Sorry this is All over the Place, but I am just "all over the place" and have been for about 2 weeks now, I am Slowly but steadly moving forward, just trying to know when to pull the reins and when to Let Go... When I have done something for decades, and it stops, I have notice the world keeps spinning weather I'm on board or not! So If I am to Keep up, in a Forward March, I must Grab hold of the boot straps and Go at it One More Time....
Wish Me Luck on My Travels, I'm Betting Many Journeys Lay Ahead on this one... I Know HP Will be By My Side, Just hoping he don't see the Humor in Freezing me on a Flip :0) Better take a change of Clothes just in case :0) I think He Owes Me a Couple :0)
Thank You One & All For Being here, and Teaching me so Much, and Giving me the Courage to Make this Trip, and Giving me the Wisdom to Know I always have a Safe Place to Land... I am Forever Grateful.....
That day long trip sounds awesome. I hear you about sharing your heart and mind with your sister and the fear that that engenders.
You know that you are powerless over her,her current and past actions. Just remember to examine your motives and know that you can say what you mean, mean what you say , without saying it mean.
Glad you are bringing a change of clothing and remember to have fun.
That was a great share. I know what you mean about learning more about your AH in past couple of months than in the past several years. I am learning a lot about mine too.
I hope you have a wonderful time with your sister. I am very close to my sister and we are VERY DIFFERENT people. But somehow, we get along wonderfully and always enjoy our time together. Remember, we are all looking for progress, not perfection. Be gentle with yourself (and your sister)! :)
Jozie...you have come a long way and grown soooo much. Remember who you were when you first got here? LOL ...Applause for all the work you've done and how it has come about for you. You mentor the "It works when you work it". What a miracle!!
I didn't know you kayaked...how great. You have one of those 1 man (or woman) types with your own oar? Does that mean that you can only row your own boat? You can stay in your own kayak and not get into hers? It seems she is just as experienced in knowing how to row her own. So you are free to enjoy all the HP things around you and her and have a great day with another child of God who also is your sister. How awesome is that!!? I don't believe you H A V E to be afraid of much other than navigating the river and staying out of danger. (God your share is such a great metaphor for working program). You can choose to be afraid and then you can choose to feel almost anything you want. Want to feel happiness? Start now. You're taking your HP and from my own experience you don't have that option because HP chooses to be where ever you are at anyway. HP will be out there with you...in the kayak and all around you. Your sister might even get a glimpse of your HP herself when she looks over at you during the trip. Don't let fear get between you and the creation you will be inside of...that is freedom from fear and when you are free from fear you are free to be love. Take a camera and take us along.
Be safe. Have fun. Happiness is an i n s i d e job. (((((hugs))))
I have two sisters. Our relationships with our parents (who have now been dead for over 10 years) is the absolute elephant in the room that triggers all of us.
Both my sisters feel that I did them wrong by not having any contact with my mother or father for years. They simply could never hear the reasons why (I was overwhelmed dealing with abuse issues). At the same time I simply can't see or hear their reasons for being in denial. Talk about a stalemate.
There are times when I do love my sisters and long for contact. There are other times when I know I'll be triggered for a long time if I do initiate contact. Expectations are everything and I think if I do contact my sister (one has a birthday coming up) I'd really have to examine them. Giving up that they will be the sisters(s) I always wanted is a very big piece of work. Grieving that none of us got much love, cherishing or acceptance is a whole other piece of it.
Thanks So Much Everyone :) I am Getting WAY Excited, and YES ((((((((((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))))))))) I Am going to Do My Best to Stay in My OWN Kayak/Vessel... I'm Going to Navigate Best I Can and Give the Rest to HP, The Water Has Come down Some so that Makes me Happy, but hopefully by morning it will be even further... I haven't traveled this crick in Many Years, so don't know if I'm Too Excited to see the danger or Not, BUT I'm Doing it... We have spoke of Doing this for the past 3 years and every year lead to another excuse... This year, She Pushed, I Pulled, and HP Got me back on track and Now I'm Looking Forward to it...
The Temp of the Water is around 45 Degrees, so I wont Freeze ;) And the Sun is Said to Shine so I Packed me A Dry Set, and Now we'll See what Happens next :) Thank You All For the Prayers and Well Wishes.... I Would have never took this offer had it not be for the Healings that I have found Here...& ACOA/Al-Anon... SO Many Blessing Right Before my eyes, I had been Missing All Along...
Going at it EYES WIDE OPEN
Love, Hugs & Prayers
Jozie
(((((((((((((((((((Hotrod)))))))))))))))))))))) I have been Praying & Saying this All Day :) Thank You! "say what you mean, mean what you say , without saying it mean" And I have Also Added "Know when to Shut Up & Enjoy the View" :smiling:
and remember to have fun.