"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Rachel262612 · Member

Letter to my AH

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

In the AA 12 steps and 12 traditions book it says "nothing pays the greatest dividends than the restraint of pen and tongue" It has been my experience that a loved one cannot help an AH. Only another AH can help another AH. My AH could not hear me or take my suggestions.

Please consider going to Alanon, getting a temporary sponsor and show them the letter before you give it to your loved one. The way I read the letter as an independent person who has no emotional connection to you or your family is that it is an outline of how he is a sick man who is in pain and a failure to his family. I know you wrote the letter out of love, however, I am not sure that the letter will be well received. It is hard to have someone point out your "spots" That is why through the experience of one AA to another AA is so powerful. Twelve steps program for me have been a program of love. It is through love that another AH can relate to the stories of another AH. The same is true for Alanon.

Good Luck

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Rachel262612 wrote:
I wrote this to my AH: I thought I would share.
Dear "AH"
I want to say that I love you very much. It is not you that I am angry with. I am angry with alcoholism. I have resentment towards "it" not you. It has been a long road, to understand. I think I understand now. I feel so foolish, with all my anger and hurt. I am angry at myself for all the mean things I have done. I am ashamed of what I have become.
Dear Rachel
I am afraid I must agree with Tommycat on this one.
I am not sure why you are writing the letter but it could open a door to destructive behavior in your family. You are owning your anger, your bad behavior, your "meanness" You are telling him he is "Sick" and needs help and are offering to help him recover.
You do not indicate what you are going to do to recover your self and stop your destructive behavior.
This disease of alcoholism infects everyone and we all need a program of recovery. I do believe tha the letter would be more effective if you indicated how you were going to take care of you and treat yourself in order for you to recover from this disease--Going to alanon meetings etc
Take what you like and leave the rest

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rachel... I agree with the others, but must admit that I wrote several similar letters to my AW, and they were written from a caring place.... In my experience, these letters got twisted and "used against me", almost gave my AW more "justification" (in her sickness) to point fault at me, and to not take on her own issues... I hope & pray your situation turns out better.... I still believe that it is dependant on where the A is, with respect to their openness to recovery and awareness.... If they are still in the "it is everybody else's fault" stage, than the results of this letter may not be very positive..... If they are really close to wanting that recovery, then perhaps this letter can help get them to that point - who knows...

In my opinion, you wrote this letter from a caring place, which is never a bad thing... Hopefully you don't have too many 'expectations' tied to this, and you are still 'handing it over' (both to your HP and to your A)...

Take care

Tom

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rachel, I wrote many a letter like yours and now that I am in Al-anon and have a sponsor I told her I had to to it just 1 more time and she said someday I will see that all my mini interventions are still me not turning my AH over to God. Obviously you can give it to him, it is a very loving letter, but I have to agree with the others on this. Please take care of yourself!

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Rachael, I basically ditto what Canadianguy said.

Love. Otie

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Rachel, I agree with everything thats been said to you, its a hard pill to swallow when you want to help the AH, but all your love
wont save or change it. They seem to resent our love.

The best thing you can do is focus on your own recovery.

Luv and hugs Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Rachel, I too agree with the others.

However it is a very heartfelt letter.The problem is an addict does not take it or understand it like non A's.

He may see it as you being more of a mommy figure. Or you are weak and will help him!

Better to say to them to get off your pity pot! They need tough talk from other A's at AA meetings! Hey budi you have two kids, a wife who loves you, get it together.

We cannot help them except to help ourselves. We have to learn al anon skills to be the best we can be. And to learn how not to enable!

When we show emotion like this, the disease uses it against us. You are not talking to your dear husband, you are talking to a horribly abusive disease!

love love debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rachel -

Very nice letter. I know it was written with good intentions. I wrote a few letters like yours - one such letter I read to my ex while he was in rehab, with a roomful of people (we were asked to do so). My ex wept as I read it; I thought, GREAT, he's getting it. He didn't - not yet at least.

You received some excellent feedback, so I won't reiterate.

As Bettina stated, "I'ts a bitter pill to swallow."

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"