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I'm brand new to this forum. I have attended about five face-to-face meetings so far and have found them very helpful. It has been tough for me to get to meetings because of other responsibilities and I don't have a sponser yet although I feel a strong need for one.
My AH is an active drinker. He doesn't drink every day which is part of why it took me so long to admit there was a problem. After 18 months of me being in therapy, I am finally realizing that the alcholism is the root of many of the troubles we have had in our marriage.
My problem the past few weeks is hearing him blame me for all the issues in our marriage. He truly can't see how he has contributed to any of the problems. This has been making me so angry that I keep picking fights with him, but the end result is that our marriage is further strained and he still never admits any fault of his own. The anger is killing me and our relationship. I have a hard time accepting that he can't see his contribution to the problems we are having.
He has said a few things to his family about me that I thought were very hurtful. Of course, his family doesn't believe he has a drinking problem or understand why is saying the things he is saying. So, even to them, I end up looking like the bad guy...the one who is making our life a living hell.
Help!! I'm losing hope for my marriage quickly. There is so much anger and possibly hatred between us that I don't even know how to begin to turn it around. I don't want to seperate...I have a very young child and another on the way. I love my husband and he is good in so many ways...just not emotionally available. Therefore, when I'm feeling upset or angry, he can't really deal with those emotions and I end up feeling unloved and insignificant.
Sorry if this post is rambling and all over the place. I am having so much trouble focusing with all the thoughts that are swirling through my head.
I do understand your longing for your husband to admit his drinking is causing problems in the relationship. However, I don't know of or have ever heard of an active acoholic admitting such a thing. It's part of the disease of alcoholism.
I got loads of counseling, which helped to some degree. But I didn't attend meetings because I thought they wouldn't/couldn't help. Then, after my husband's attempt at rehab and DUIs, the last one involving driving his mother home from an out-of-town wedding, I called it quit and went through the divorce. Eight months later, after realizing I still had a of baggage from the marriage, I sought out meetings. I'm only into completing my 2nd month of attending them.
I have a hunch that things would have been very different for me and my ex if I had attended meetings long ago - say at least 10 years ago when I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was alcoholic.
IF I had to do it all over again, I attend meetings as much as possible, read Al-Anon literature, call members when I feel in crisis mode, and NEVER, EVER address HISproblem with him. I wouldn't tell him that our marriage would be fine IF he didn't drink, because that simply isn't true (hindsight talking here). I'd had focused on me and address those believes that make me say and do things that are not only detrimental to me, but to the ex, and to all that come in contact with me.
Now, I can see clearly that when loved ones get out of the way of the addict and allow them to experience the consequences of their choice (drink/use), then and only then is there every hope that they will choose recovery.
Sorry, don't mean to blow you away. I'm just very passionate about this because I know the feelings that you are experiencing (the co-dependent in me / DANG!)
One more thing: just want to elaborate on the "never, every address his problem with him. This sounds so.... counter intuitive. But as I continue to listen to other members in Al-Anon, especially the long-timers, this is become crystal clear.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 01:56:13 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Right now, I am struggling through the same anger issues. My ex always blamed everythign on me, and when I pointed out feeling hurt about something he did, he loved to say "you're just playing the victim."
All I can say is, keep going to meetings..hopefully it'll eventually sink in that detachment also means, detaching from any need to feel validated.
The disease REQUIRES deception, denial, and deflection. He will keep doing all of that, so long as he's entrenched in the disease.
GailMichelle wrote:
Welcome to the message board!
I do understand your longing for your husband to admit his drinking is causing problems in the relationship. However, I don't know of or have ever heard of an active acoholic admitting such a thing. It's part of the disease of alcoholism.
I got loads of counseling, which helped to some degree. But I didn't attend meetings because I thought they wouldn't/couldn't help. Then, after my husband's attempt at rehab and DUIs, the last one involving driving his mother home from an out-of-town wedding, I called it quit and went through the divorce. Eight months later, after realizing I still had a of baggage from the marriage, I sought out meetings. I'm only into completing my 2nd month of attending them.
I have a hunch that things would have been very different for me and my ex if I had attended meetings long ago - say at least 10 years ago when I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was alcoholic.
IF I had to do it all over again, I attend meetings as much as possible, read Al-Anon literature, call members when I feel in crisis mode, and NEVER, EVER address HISproblem with him. I wouldn't tell him that our marriage would be fine IF he didn't drink, because that simply isn't true (hindsight talking here). I'd had focused on me and address those believes that make me say and do things that are not only detrimental to me, but to the ex, and to all that come in contact with me.
Now, I can see clearly that when loved ones get out of the way of the addict and allow them to experience the consequences of their choice (drink/use), then and only then is there every hope that they will choose recovery.
Sorry, don't mean to blow you away. I'm just very passionate about this because I know the feelings that you are experiencing (the co-dependent in me / DANG!)
When you say "never ever address his problem with him"..do you mean, never tell him he's an alcoholic?
GailMichelle wrote:
Welcome to the message board!
I do understand your longing for your husband to admit his drinking is causing problems in the relationship. However, I don't know of or have ever heard of an active acoholic admitting such a thing. It's part of the disease of alcoholism.
I got loads of counseling, which helped to some degree. But I didn't attend meetings because I thought they wouldn't/couldn't help. Then, after my husband's attempt at rehab and DUIs, the last one involving driving his mother home from an out-of-town wedding, I called it quit and went through the divorce. Eight months later, after realizing I still had a of baggage from the marriage, I sought out meetings. I'm only into completing my 2nd month of attending them.
I have a hunch that things would have been very different for me and my ex if I had attended meetings long ago - say at least 10 years ago when I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was alcoholic.
IF I had to do it all over again, I attend meetings as much as possible, read Al-Anon literature, call members when I feel in crisis mode, and NEVER, EVER address HISproblem with him. I wouldn't tell him that our marriage would be fine IF he didn't drink, because that simply isn't true (hindsight talking here). I'd had focused on me and address those believes that make me say and do things that are not only detrimental to me, but to the ex, and to all that come in contact with me.
Now, I can see clearly that when loved ones get out of the way of the addict and allow them to experience the consequences of their choice (drink/use), then and only then is there every hope that they will choose recovery.
Sorry, don't mean to blow you away. I'm just very passionate about this because I know the feelings that you are experiencing (the co-dependent in me / DANG!)
One more thing: just want to elaborate on the "never, every address his problem with him. This sounds so.... counter intuitive. But as I continue to listen to other members in Al-Anon, especially the long-timers, this is become crystal clear.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 01:56:13 PM
When you say "never ever address his problem with him"..do you mean, never tell him he's an alcoholic?
In my particular case, yep! Calling him an "alcoholic" or a "Bozo" wouldn't have mattered. Deep down, he knew then and knows now that alcohol is a problem for him.
If telling him "You're an alcoholic" would have helped him, he would not be drinking today. His was a very intelligent man at one time, he didn't need me to tell him drinking was messing up his life. He knew better. That's one of the reasons he never drank in front of me and always hid his bottles. (But I do realize that there is a time that an alcoholic needs help/support; that is where I see Al-Anon would have been an excellent choice for me). I was a Bozo, too! But through attending Al-Anon, I'm beginning to be less of a Bozo.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 02:08:51 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Dear Losthope, I will refer to what a member of this board always says: "He is gonna drink or not drink. Your can't control what he does. What are you gonna do?"
I am very concerned about what the fighting is doing to you and your expected baby!!! Your body has trememdous response to anger.
It is NOT good for your pregnancy. Al-anon can help with that at least for the immediate future until you decide what course to follow. I remember from my first marrriage how lonely it feels when you are pregnant and don't feel loved the way you need to be.
Take care of yourself and the baby right now. Follow the help you can get from this board. Blessings are waiting for you and yours in the future even if you dont realize it right this minute.
Right now, I am struggling through the same anger issues. My ex always blamed everythign on me, and when I pointed out feeling hurt about something he did, he loved to say "you're just playing the victim."
ok - so i just got goose bumps reading this. how i wish i had a penny for every time i've heard this. in fact, he said it to me just this past weekend.
so let me ask you....what is the proper response to this? because i have none. he's pretty much convinced me that this is a true statement.
First, I am so glad you are here and that you attend face to face meetings in Alanon. If you feel the need for sponsorship, ask someone to be your temporary sponsor. If it doesn't work out, you can change sponsors. I too came into the program with nearly the exact same share and feelings you posted on the board today. My marriage was as you described yours. I have little children as well. I must tell you that working the Alanon program with a sponsor changed my life and my marriage. I am happily married without sobriety in my home. You can be happy, joyous, and free in the absence or presence of the disease of alcoholism. The key for me is attending weekly meetings, doing my steps daily, having a sponsor and talking to her 1-2x's per week, and taking on some service positions in my group. The disease is cunning and the worst is the isolation and lack of love you feel when it is present in your home. My sponsor said, you wouldnt argue with a bottle would you? The key for me is: You dont have to show up to every fight you are invited to. Its the bottle talking. Part of the closing of my homegroup says: There is no problem too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to be lessened. You are in the right place.
Alanon is a program of suggestion based on the sharing of individual experience, strenght and hope. I nor anyone can give you advice on how to live your life. Beware of those that do. Only you can make that determination on what is best for you and your family. I have found that the fastest and quickest way to find the peace within is working on the steps.
{{{{HUGS}}}} Glad you are here, keep coming back. tommye
I can not thank you all enough for the support. I learned in meetings that I shouldn't address his drinking with him or "engage" him in these arguments when they really result in nothing good. It's just so hard to do because of all the anger I am feeling.
GailMichelle, you are right...it does feel so counter-intuitive to not talk with him about the drinking. He is (or at least, has been) my best friend and the one I want reassurance and support from. I know I can't depend on that level of support from him while he is still actively drinking and that is causing me an enormous amount of pain.
DrummerChick, I'm with you...having everything blamed on me is only intensifying my anger and...to be honest...a level of hatred towards him almost. I just don't know what to do with the anger. Also, I've told him in the past that I feel he has a problem with alcohol and he knows that I've gone to al-anon although he doesn't agree with it (again, I'm crazy for thinking I need to go to meetings...in his eyes anyway).
Otie, thanks for the kind words. I am due to give birth in just a few short weeks. It may be a good idea for me to focus on my toddler and my newborn whenever I'm feeling that anger creep up inside me. It is a lonely place to be, that's for sure!
Georgia, it sounds like you do what I do....I take on some of what my AH says and I internalize it and believe it's true. Many months of therapy have opened my eyes to the fact that..."Wait...I may not be ______ (fill in the blank with whatever he says or makes me feel I am)". Still, we have been together a long time and his opinion tends to influence me even when I know that it is a warped and diseased opinion.
Tommye, the statement you have bolded and underlined gives me hope. I have heard similar sentiments at meetings and I always wonder if it can be true. Can I be with him and still be happy? Are there any moments when I won't feel alone and disregarded in this marriage? Will those moments come more often if I stop nagging/yelling/fighting about the drinking?
Thanks again to everyone and please keep talking to me! :) I am very overwhelmed with so many things going on in my life right now besides just the pregnancy. I have an ill parent and lost my other parent in a car accident several years ago. My in-laws are very supportive of me, but don't see any problems with their sons behavior. My friends are supportive as much as they can be. Somehow I still feel like I am struggling through this alone sometimes.
"Tommye, the statement you have bolded and underlined gives me hope. I have heard similar sentiments at meetings and I always wonder if it can be true. Can I be with him and still be happy? Are there any moments when I won't feel alone and disregarded in this marriage? Will those moments come more often if I stop nagging/yelling/fighting about the drinking?"
That is true. Happiness is an inside out job. It is a byproduct of the relationship I have come to find in a power greater than myself in the alanon rooms. No person, place or thing can really make me happy. We are all human and we fail and hurt one another. Alcoholism is a disease. I discovered that it is possible my alcoholic is doing the very best he can with what he's got. He had no more control over drinking than he had breathing. The best thing I read was the big book of AA. The first 164 PP to be exact. You will come to understand the disease on a deeper level if you read that book. If you don't have the time to read the first 164 pp of AA BB then at least read two chapters: To Wives, and the Family Afterward. Those two chapter are the foundation for the Alanon program. If I could acknowledge alcoholism is a disease, then I could read about it like I would any cancer.
As for the fighting, arguing, nagging, I am right there with you sister. Yes, serenity follows when I abandoned the urge to strike back in a fight with words or actions. I too felt like I had to defend my position. That is how I became part of the and got sucked into the problem. I have come to know that fighting and arguing only erodes a relationship. Fighting is arguing with a bottle. My ah wanted to argue with me so that he could leave and go out to drink. Here are some tools I have used in during tense times:
1. you don't have to show up to every fight you are invited to, that isn't your "stuff" he's fighting about its his "stuff"
2. I don't answer statements...such as "you are such a ......." OR "you are only"...."if you would .....then I wouldn't" ... ((do you see the invitation to the fight?))
3. I keep my answers simple to questions: Yes, No, HMMMM, I'll have to get back to you on that one, or my favorite, You might be right.....((which is to say, you may not be right)) All these statements keep your side of the street clean and acknowledging the other person.
4. I excuse myself to the bathroom and say during tense times, oh my gosh, I've got to go and trot off....in the bath, I say the serenity prayer over and over. Here, I am asking God to help me. He always has come to my aid when I invite him in.Trust me.
Mother Teresa said: "The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved"
I was so lonely, exhausted, full of fear, and felt like I had no options when I came into the rooms of Alanon. It is a simple program taught me to live life one day at a time and one moment at a time. Anything else is overwhelming. I am only married one day at a time too. I wake up and do my steps 1-3 on my knees to invite God into my day. I ask him to direct my thinking and actions and teach me how to live. Then I make the decision to be married today so it is up to me to adjust my attitudes, my actions, and my inner being.
There are no mistakes in God's world. My AH has been the greatest teacher to me. I am grateful for the disease because I have a new level of understanding, a wonderful marriage, with a great husband who is also a wonderful dad. I would not go backwards and change a thing. PAIN IS THE TOUCHSTONE OF ALL SPIRITUAL PROGRESS. I needed a lot of pain from my higher power so I could be teachable and do something different. Our book, Courage to Change has a page that says" if you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you always got" That said it all for me.
Normally I don't do long posts. When you are new to the program, I don't think I digest all the stuff people were telling me on the board. It sounds good but HOW do you do it? Going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps will help you do it. Alanon loved me until I could learn how to love myself. It's the only way I have known to stay strong and keep the focus on myself. If you want more tools, I can share them with you. Just message me directly and ask. Overall, take what you liked from my post and leave the rest. I am not an authority for the Alanon program. I just know how to relate my experience of working the program through love how it has changed my life.
