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BUT MY HUSBAND CALLED AT 4:00 AM AND I LEFT MY DAUGHTER UPSTAIRS WITH MY BROTHER DOWN STAIRS AND WENT TO HIM. THE PHONE RANG & I FINALLY FELL ASLEEP HE SAID YEAH HELLO I SAID WHO IS THIS. I IMMEDIATELY WOKE UP WENT TO MEET HIM I BROUGHT HIM CLOTHES SHAVING CREAM TOOHTHBRUSH EVERY THING HE COULD POSSILE NEED. HE LOOKED LIKE HELL ALL THE MONEY WAS GONE ECT FOR 20 DOLLARS.
MY BROTHER TOLD ME THAT I MADE HIM CHANGE THE LOCKS AND HE DID NOT WANT HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE. I BEGGED HIM. HE SAID I WOULD HAVE TO GO TOO THEN HE IS NOT WELCOME HERE.
I BROUGHT HIM TO A HOTEL TO CLEAN HIM UP I CHARGED IT. I WANTED HIM TO BE IN A SAFE PLACE. I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM I DO LOVE HIM AND HE NEEDS ME BUT I AM NOT LEAVING THE APPARTMENT BECAUSE I CANT TRUST HIM. SO HE CALLED HIS MOM AND SHE IS BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING SHE IS GIVING HIM A MONTH TO GET SETTLED. I NOT ALLOWED CALL HIS MOMS HOUSE NOR CAN A CALL HIS CELL PHONE WHEN HE IS THERE. WHAT A BIT_ _. WHEN SHE WAS SICK I STAYED WITH HER IN THE HOSPITAL. I LEFT MY HUSBAND & MY DAUGHTER SO I COULD WATCH MY SISTER N LAWS KIDS BECAUSE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SLEEP AT THE HOSPITAL BUT INSTEAD SHE & HER HUSBAND CELEBATED NO KIDS FOR ONE NIGHT. I TOOK OUR MONEY & STOCKED UP THE CABINETTES WITH FOOD FOR HER PUT STUFF IN THE FRIDGE BROUGHT HER TO THE DR PICKE UP HER PRESCRIPTIONS HIS FAMILY SUCKS HIS SISTER SAID SHE BROUGHT THE GROCERIES TO HIS MOM SHE EVEN THREW IN A BAG OF DIAPERS SOME NERVE RIGHT. AND THEY ARE BLAMING ME, HE HAS DONE THIS BEFORE TO THEM . & HAS BEEN CLEAN FOR 9 YRS NOW MY FAMILY SAID OH HE HAS A WOMEN
WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. LIES BUT LOOK AT TH LIES ANY WAY WE ARE MEETING EITH DEACON TONIGHT . ANY WAY I STAYED WITH HIM AND MY DAUGHTER WAS WITH MY BROTHER.
I WHEN HE FELL A SLEEP I PACKED UP MY STUFF AND TURNED MY PHONE OFF AND WENT HOME AND DIDNT LEAVE A NOTE NOTHING AND I FELT HORRIBLE HE WOKE UP AND PANICKED AND LEFT 10 MESSAGES ON THE HOUSE PHONE FIRST STRONG AND THE BAWLING I NEVER SAW HIM THAT WAY. I CALLED HIM GAVE HIM HIS JACKET & HIS BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS AND HE WAS CRYING I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME, YOU DIDNT LEAVE A NOTE NOTHING. I SAID TO MYSELF HOW DID YOU THINK I FELT UNLIKE YOU I CALLED YOU WHEN I HEARD YOU SO UPSET
HE SAID HE WILL CALL ME ON LUNCH. WE'LL SEE HOW SERIOUS HE IS . I COVERED HIS BUTT AND HE STILL HAS A JOB HE WILL BE STAYING WITH HIS MOM WHO NOW HATES ME. I AM SO LOST.HOPEFULLY HE SHOWS UP TONIGHT OR ITS REALLY OVER THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT ITS NOW 11:50 AM & I AM NOW GOING TO GET SOME SLEEP CANT KEEP MY EYED OPEN
It truly does boggle my mind, that adults can't take responsibility for themselves. I have always been a responsible person... to hear anyone say they blame anyone else for anything, is unfathomable & laughable really.
It's like saying, "the devil made me do it" we are made in the image of God after all, as we have freedom of choice.
I have been depressed for 20 years, I struggle with knowing I can make the choice to be happy, in this moment now. I have been praying a lot more lately & releasing my feelings to God... prayers really do work.
Take care of yourself, love yourself, it seems to be the one thing we all do have in common, is learning to love ourselves.
I'm not quite sure why realizing & actualizing our own divinity is so dreadfully scary & we can't see how miraculous & fantastic we are, I struggle to see my worth... God help us all.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The longer you help him, the longer you save him, the longer you pick up all the pieces for him, the longer you prevent him from feeling the negative consequences from his use..........that is the longer you prolong his suffering and HELP him remain addicted. Try thinking of it that way the next time you get the urge to help him, protect him or make everything ok for him.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
(((((((((((Chrissy))))))))) You did what you felt was right. Sometimes our boundaries come in small ways and will get beigger. You seem like you are getting stronger and doing what is right for you. Don't take all the blame personally.....my first mother in-law has blamed me for nearly 10 years for her son being an Alcoholic and now living in the gay community....LOL whatever.
All that loving and caring behaviour - for everybody except yourself. Try to be as loving to yourself as you are to everyone else - I know it's hard when you are not used to it, but try.
Kathy is right, you are not actually helping him, by helping him. This is a fatal disease - if he does not hit his bottom and get into recovery, it will kill him.
Ya know the pain that Alcoholics go through? The same pain that we go through....... They feel neglected, lonely and out of control with their emotions so they drink because they don't know any other way to handle.
Well, the same is true with us who lose control over our emotions dealiing with it all-- we feel neglected, lonely and out of control.
Having said all of this I have to say that in reply to your post and not to make you feel badly or guilty or shameful, but in an attempt to help you realize something that I had never realized when I was with my ex boyfriend, who was and still is an alcoholic. You write:
"I WHEN HE FELL A SLEEP I PACKED UP MY STUFF AND TURNED MY PHONE OFF AND WENT HOME AND DIDNT LEAVE A NOTE NOTHING AND I FELT HORRIBLE HE WOKE UP AND PANICKED AND LEFT 10 MESSAGES ON THE HOUSE PHONE FIRST STRONG AND THE BAWLING I NEVER SAW HIM THAT WAY. I CALLED HIM GAVE HIM HIS JACKET & HIS BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS AND HE WAS CRYING I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME, YOU DIDNT LEAVE A NOTE NOTHING. I SAID TO MYSELF HOW DID YOU THINK I FELT UNLIKE YOU I CALLED YOU WHEN I HEARD YOU SO UPSET"
Two wrongs do not make a right and this is not a game...... He hurt you, so you hurt him or you want him to feel the pain that you feel-- as long as you live your life with these thoughts, NOBODY will get better.
My ex boyfriend and I had dated on and off for 3 years, each time the pain of the separation grew deeper and more difficult to bare until that last. The reason the last was final was because of the last time we had reconciled after having not seen eachother for a couple of months. As we talked about some of our problems we had faced and if we could get through them if we reconciled, I was honest and said, I am not certain how we can get through this because we both keep screwing things up. He agreed, but then broke down in tears so badly that my heart sank..... I'll NEVER forget the words he said to me at that moment. He said, "Why do you keep coming back into my life after we are apart for awhile because it hurts". He continued to say, "I love you so much and when we are apart, I begin to deal with all the pain of our break-up, but then either I call him or he calls me and we're trying again."
It was at that moment that I knew that this time we would try again and if it didn't work.... that would be it for us because my heart broke seeing him cry and in so much pain. :(((
In turn, this past January, I walked away and have never contacted him again. Gosh, my heart aches for him at times-- BUT, I know he isn't crying or living a life with me on a roller coaster. I contributed to the instability as well and loved him enough to not try to hurt him because of the pain that he caused me.
It's not a game, it's peoples emotions and mental health.... We need to take that into consideration and look at ourselves before continuing to blame others or say that they are the only one contributing to the issues at hand.
This isn't just a response to you Chrissy, as this is a general response addressing the issues of alcoholism, or any other unhealthy relationship.
I'll conclude with this.....
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Chrissy... please don't be too harsh on your brother, or mother-in-law.... It very well may be that they are showing more love, for you and your hubby, than you can understand today... You are distraught, justifiably, but your actions are allowing him to avoid the consequences of his drinking....
I would encourage you to read up on "tough love" and/or "detachment", as your hubby doesn't need any more protection or soft landings.... Please take care of yourself, and your dependants..... Let your HP take care of your hubby.... As tough and cold as it sounds, he will never take personal responsibility if you keep protecting him from the world that HE is creating....
Just my opinion...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
you guys are so right. thank you. i didnt mean to hurt him or play games, but i needed to go home to my daughter. part of me didnt realize that he still loved me. i guess when he left all those messages it showed me he does care. i lost my self-esteem for a while feeling loveless
Yeah I'm new to the alanon board. I know the same situation through and through. My mom is an A. I haven't talked to her in 2 1/2 years at least. It kills me everyday, but I know the pain of having to let someone find their own way. You have to back off and watch the tail lights fade and hope they turn out alright. For 4 years I watched my momma drink and for those 4 long heart aching years I had to be the one to clean up after her and take care of her. Our roles in life had reversed, I was acting as her mom and she was my daughter. I was her caretaker. I am now 24 and bear all the scars of her emotional and sometimes verbal abuse. Its so hard to let go. After a while I began to see that she wouldn't give up her bottle. Instead of me, it was the bottle. After all that time of begging and pleading to please give it up, she never did. It hurts to this day that her choice was not me. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I have talked to her since the day she made her choice, and she said that she's done things that she regretted and that she was sorry, but it doesn't change the emotional scars that I carry. Its really hard. There came the time that I saw myself spiraling down with her, and I couldn't let her do that. I ran to her everytime, just like you do with your husband. You want to make sure that they are safe somewhere anywhere, just safe, cleaned up, and are not in a gutter starving. As a matter of fact, truth is, everyday I check the papers for her obituary. It sounds horrible, but I do. One day it'll be there, but I have enough contacts through my family that I'll know before I read about it I think. Anyway, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know its hard. I wish you the best of luck.
It truly does boggle my mind, that adults can't take responsibility for themselves. I have always been a responsible person... to hear anyone say they blame anyone else for anything, is unfathomable & laughable really.