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Hello ..........hoping someone can define enabling for me ........very confused
I have not given my A any money although last night he took 1 pound from my purse for a can of beer , i let him know that it was missing and he produced it saying he was going to put it back later. Today i'm at work and my A is walking down to my office except he has been missing for 4 hours (a 40 minute walk away ) No prizes for anyone guessing where he is . I have not enabled him to drink today but tonight when i get home i know he will ask me to buy him tobbacco and papers ( is this also enabling ?, i feel resentful and know it will lead to a fight )..... Where do we draw the line ?
I had the same trouble defining enabling when I first hit the program. I couldn't define the difference between enabling and detachment, tough love, and acceptance. When you are first new in the program, it is so tough. I just wanted to get all the program inside of me, not realizing that we walk up tiny steps to serenity!
Just a suggestion, if you don't feel too comfortable with what you are doing, perhaps there is an alternate way to approach the situation.
I'm no expert, but enabling is doing the things they can do for themselves.
Making it easier for them to continue drinking without feeling the consequenses.
It is not only about money, it can be things like calling them out sick from their job when they are hung over.
Keeping the house very quiet when they are hung over.
My Husbands parents are very big enablers.
Everytime my husband got a DWI, they bailed him out, hired a lawyer, and payed all of his fines. 5 times
When he lost his license they drove him to and from work every day, and drove him to and from the bar.
When he spends his paycheck on booze they pay his bills.
They turn off the alarm clock for him if he drank late the night before, then they called his boss and said he had the flue and called their family Dr and got him a note saying so, then even drove and picked it up for him.
They bring him his meals in bed. Lay his clothes out for him and lie for him, and tell him that everything he does it right.
Okay they are extreme, but to me enabling is protecting them from the consequenses of their actions.
