i have a couple of questions as i am reading some of the material - Al-Anon Family Group

Georgia · Member

i have a couple of questions as i am reading some of the material

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I interpreted the victim as a person that gets very hurt and feels very sorry for themselves when the A drinks. The provoker is the one that starts fights with the A - provokes him, punishes him for drinking. And then, of course, the enabler - the one who doesn't want drinking to be a "problem," so the one who takes care of the A so the A does not experience the full consequences of drinking.

Sure, I believe that one person can be all 3. I was definitely all 3 at different points with different people. In some of my relationships with A's, I naturally assumed the victim and enabler roles - but I could only be the enabler for so long before I was in full provoker mode.

A sponsor is a person with more time (maybe substantially more time, depending on what you want and need) in the program, ideally a person that has worked the steps and has a chunk of active recovery under his or her belt. A sponsor is someone who you can ask questions, who will take time to listen and offer feedback and suggestions in your recovery, and will help you work the steps. A sponsor is invaluable to recovery. However, if you choose a sponsor that is not a good fit, you can choose another sponsor - you're not bound to the person for life or something. While you can sure get to work on the first steps without a sponsor, a sponsor plays a key role in some of the steps - particularly steps 4/5 and 8/9. Step 5 says - admitted to God, to ourselves, and to ANOTHER HUMAN BEING (ideally, your sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs. Your sponsor can be the trusted person that will listen to this step without judgment, without criticism, and with love. The 5th step experience can be enormously cleansing.

Also, in my opinion, steps 8 and 9 should not be done without a sponsor. These are the amends steps. A sponsor is a good idea because it is someone neutral with time in recovery that can help decide a) whether you actually even owe an amends for something, and b) whether it would do more harm than good to make a direct amend to someone. When I got in the program, I was too shy to ask someone to be my sponsor but very gung ho about working the steps. I did a direct amend on my own, and caused two people waaay more harm than if I'd just said nothing. It is a good idea to run it by another person before you unintentionally stir up dust that was settled long ago.

The woman that gave you her card may be a good candidate for your sponsor - only you can decide that. If you are comfortable with her and admire her recovery, that may be a good indication that she would be a good fit. If she hasn't worked all of the steps yet, it might be wise to choose someone that has.

You ask someone to be your sponsor - in my experience, people don't just offer (I could be wrong, but I've never heard of that). Who your sponsor is is a very personal decision - nobody will assign one to you.

Just my opinion - take what you like and leave the rest.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I would refer you to the Karpman Triangle

http://www.ta-tutor.com/!dratri/xdrallp.htm

The key I think for me is the no limits issue. I had no boundary so I did not know when to get a break. I have worked pretty hard on a program for a while now and creating space is so key for me.

I know it may seem like no one else takes the brunt of the alcoholics issues but really everyone around them do.

We live in a very dysfunctional world. Knowing this material is a big help regardless of whether you are with an alcoholic.

Working the steps certainly helped. I work them all the time and certainly I have a sponsor but I do not have the daily check in that many people have with a sponsor. I think the best way is to try one out.

I lucked out on finding a sponsor who works with me now. I also lucked out before with other sponsors but I couldn't really appreciate their humanity!

Maresie.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

It has been my experience that it is near impossible to work the steps on your own. In order to get recovery, it is most helpful to have someone who has been through the steps at least once with a sponsor to give you the guidance you need. Now, there is no hard and fast rule on that. In fact, it is possible for someone to sponsor you in the program as long as they are one step ahead of you they can pass on their experience.

As for calling people after the meetings and forming friendships in the program I did that too. Sure, that person can be considered a sponsor. That is always a good decision. I think you are wise to consider sponsorship. In fact there is a pamphlet on it too in Alanon. Check that out it will give you some guidelines what to expect and not to expect from a sponsorship relationship.

As for candidates for sponsorship, what worked for me was to listen to people in the meeting as they are sharing and do they have something you want. Despite the circumstances in their life are they happy, joyous, and free? Are you drawn to this person and learn something from them every time they share their experience, strength and hope? If so, that is how I picked my sponsor. I was drawn to them. If you are female then it is suggested you work with a female sponsor and vice versa for males. If you want the real technical jargon it is to pick a sponsor that is the opposite sex of your sexual preference.

In our literature there is a quote in one of the today's reminders which says: When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Keep on listening in the meetings, that person will be abundantly clear.

That is what happened for me. I hope that helps.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Is it possible to be all three? Yeppers. If there isn't a host of enablers chasing after the alcoholic the one or few still around fill all the roles. The disease demands it and since I'm human also I know how to play those roles very well and have the experiences. I was born and raised within the disease and was taught how to find my way within it from others who did it before me. On top of that there are many forms of culture which teach their membership how to behave in unhelpful and un-productive ways.

For one the church I was raised in would hardly understand the philosophy and practice of detachment or holding the alcoholic responsible for her own recovery and outcomes. I was supposed to be deeply involved without the awarenesses, skills and experiences I have gained in Al-Anon. Funny that one of my fine friends and sponsors is a Monsignor in the religion I formerly practiced. He was also born and raised in the disease.

I was also told that those born within the disease have three choices...be one (alcoholic or addicted) marry one...(alcoholic or addicted) person or do both. I got the Oscar for that one...I've done it several times and mentored them all on how to drink well. I hold membership in both programs. I found my way into AA after 9 years without alcohol in Al-Anon.

Sponsorship...Al-Anon doesn't assign sponsors although I've seen some of the members come close to arranging that relationship. This is a me/my program. I get to do it and be responsible for my own recovery. The program told me "don't try this alone" and I didn't...after a while of shining that one on. When I try it alone I'm doing it with the same sick mind and bad habits I came into the program with...so how am I getting anything that can help me if all I've ever done brought me to looking for help? Crazy making!! Asking a person if they would sponsor me after I see in them tools and recovery I'd like to have is a display of growth...the absence of fear and the exercise of courage. Al-Anon has given me tons and tons of ESH and recovery tools...and the opportunity to go to work on myself. My peace of mind and serenity has always been my responsibility and will always remain that way. A sponsor came to their first meeting from pain and illness within the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction and how it played out on their life. They came needing, found their first meeting and continued. They took the suggestions, bought the literature, read it all, found a sponsor and practiced humility by allowing themselves to be taught by another person who did the same thing in their time. A sponsor knows what works where I didn't. I need to know and do what works for others so that I can have it work for me so I can find my own peace of mind and serenity. A simple program...for complicated people I've been told.

We have to have questions in order to find solutions. Keep coming back and practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 01:09:31 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You bet its possible to be all 3 , been there done that one too. A sponsor is a guide to help you thru the program , the lady who gave you the card was offering you support and could very well be offering her service as a future sponsor , the steps are best worked with a sponsor there is no need to do this alone , we are often too hard on ourselves in other words we can be our own worst enemy . good luck Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.