The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, I posted a lovely thought about living the solution and not the problem. Lovely, wasn't it?
Then, a crazy hits. And I decide to check up on my AH (AH is actively drinking extremely heavily and has had multiple affairs).
AH found out I checked up on him. The result: an alcoholic rage full of sarcasm and cutting remarks.
I didn't argue. I kept my voice quiet and soft. I told him I couldn't figure out why he had been so angry all weekend; when he is so angry at me, it usually means an affair is active.
AH threw more cutting sarcasm my way.
I ended the conversation with a simple and quiet: Why are you so angry at me?
I've been working so hard to detox from my addiction to AH and his actions. I've been trying to let go and let my HP handle things. I know I don't have to accept the unacceptable. My problem is that I don't have a good sense of the unacceptable: that's why I'm in Al-Anon and seeing a therapist for co-dependency.
I was disappointed in myself for taking a "drink" of my AH's drama.
What I realized from this event is that I have been trying to white-knuckle my detachment with love. I've been grinning through clenched teeth and saying, "Look! See, I can let go." All the while I'm still holding on. I been trying to do it my way and not truly working my program. I'm dragging my feet about getting a sponsor. A phone call to a sponsor or an Al-Anon friend probably would have helped to quiet the crazies. Even a quiet moment listening to my HP would have helped.
Lesson learned: I can't do this alone. Simple will-power won't lead me to healing.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 06:54:00 AM
Thanks for sharing. I think it is great you recognize you cant do it alone. Alanon is a program of action. Getting a sponsor was the best thing for me. When I notice I am running on self will, I often say to my HP, grant me the willingness to be willing, or give me the courage to... That in itself is a small action of asking for help.
When life gets so difficult, I use the short cut to the steps: I can't (step 1), He can (step 2), I'll think I'll let Him (step 3)
Detaching with love is an ideal. Sometimes I think simple detaching is all we can do. I literally have to get away from people that are toxic for me and that is my way of detaching with love. Otherwise, I would be detaching in jail after punching them lol.
Just be sure that you don't spend too much time accepting things that inherently are against your morals and make you angry. You won't ever be able to detach with love from that stuff.
I spent years trying to rid myself of a resentment against a person that was just negative and didn't belong in my life. I applied all these program principles to the resentment again and again, and the resentment just came back. It never occurred to me that the person was just someone I was not meant to be around and the person was not really a good person...Eventually I detached with no love lost.
Yeah, you can get some sanity from ignoring the worst of abusive alcoholic behavior, but I think the minute that you really and truly don't care is going to be the minute you are walking out the door.
Great Awareness and growth I know I also tried to do it my way and found, as you have, that this is a WE program. Meetings, alanon calls sponser are all important to grow in this new way of thinking and acting.
I like to think that Detachment with Love means that : I must have this Love forMyself, my sanity, my peace of mind, my health , so that I can act in constructive manner with others. It does not mean I accept unacceptable behavior from myself or others . I learn how to respond to all situations with serenity, courage and wisdom
It is a process and you are doing great.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 08:41:45 AM
I don't know that detachment is ever 100% all the time. No one ends a relationship on a pinpoint. We all have times when we go back and forth. I left the ex A 4 years ago. I have not spoken to him in over 3 years now and I still think about him a lot. I don't think about his present. I think about the way I behaved when I was around him. This stuff is layers and layers of stuff.
Second guessing an alcoholic is pretty hard stuff That's why I think the book offered above Getting them Sober is a real find. Toby Rice Drew (the author) is very kind compassionate and clear on what it takes to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
So what if you are codependent? It is curable. I know I didn't choose to be a codependent. I do choose to be in recovery. Recovery takes time it isn't a magic wand that works overnight. I've been at this for years and I often slip and slide all over the place.
I don't think anything I did stopped the now ex A's tantrums. When I was detached taking care of my own stuff I suddenly became "selfish" and "uncaring". He tantrumed regardless. I learned to respond to it rather than react. Nevertheless being the brunt of his tantrum was not something I ever got to perfect.
Be kind to yourself. Be good to yourself. None of us is perfect.
Detachment ..... Taken from http://www.alanon-maryland.org/literature/detachment.php Alcoholism is a family disease.
Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
* Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people; * Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery; * Not to do for others what they could do for themselves; * Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink; * Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds; * Not to create a crisis; * Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives. Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
"We let go of our obsession with another's behavior"
It is the obsession I am trying so hard to let go of. When I am honest with myself, I have fear that if I don't "manage" my AH's life, he will make decisions that will hurt me even more than he already has.
I agree, you are human and learning about this stuff. Forgive yourself (if you dont know how or never did it before, pray for the willingness to and HP will show you how to forigve yourself) for trying to grin and bear it and "appear" any way. GEt to local f2f mtgs and find someone you want to work with and get that sponsor-mentoring in. Yes, you can always call and reach out to program members and your HP/god is always there ready and willing to unburden you. It is up to us, if we wish to surrender or not.
I always always hated the slogan, fake it 'til you make it ~ bc Im so neurotic about honesty. I would suggest that maybe you would have more of your own self respect, if you were honest, dont try to smile or appear any sort of way. When an argument starts up, I quickly will say to an A - ' you might be right' or 'I will consider that' (even if I dont think what they are saying does make sense to me (and I may not even want to consider it at that time) but that allows me to be able to walk away, deal with my own feelings and not participate in the drama, fight or manipulation. I try to see it all as bait and it usually is!
You added down there, that your fear tells you, if you dont manage your AH's life, he will continue to hurt you anyway (and or worse). I am here to tell you, this is not at all the case -- when we focus on us and not them - that is when they get all very extremely interested in what we are doing. They are used to us focusing on them and they are very sensitive to where we focus our attention bc they are scooping it up (I call it vampiring, they vampire our attention, energy, feelings, emotional tension & outbursts). Try it, and prove me wrong... focus on just you, everytime he gets into your head, you have to forcefully work with yourself in it and give him over to his own HP/god and tell your HP/god that you can not be his anymore.
What will happen to you, and your obsession when you change your focus from your AH to you and your own HP/god is this: you will begin to feel your own personal power again, perhaps (if you were like me) you cant even remember a time when you had personal power. Know that every move and action you make is a choice. As I surrender my ways, my thoughts, my control, my painful feelings and reality over to god and push them out until they are truly ouot of me - HP/god cannot reach in and take anything from us, but if we willingly let it go and surrender it - we are unburdened of it. Practise focusing on you and soon you will begin to feel something brand new ~ control over self. That is so much rewarding than attemtping to manipulate someone else. You know, when we try to manipualte and control them or are passive agressive to get a cut in or to show them how much pain they "have us in" all we show them is that, they do have our heart strings and they can tug them at will and control us at their whims.
Does controlling him work?
I totally resented them for the manipulation and control and they resent us for telling them how they should be living, when we are hung up on them and sacrificing us for someone who is also throwing themselves in the trash, out the window and they cannot see the value in themselves.
I was told early on in program, that the A uses sabatoge with us, bc they feel they are so unlovable, that if you can love them, there must be something inherently really wrong with you, bc they are undeserving of their own love, so they justify abusing us bc they dont feel worthy of the love.
I was terrified of becomming selfish and inconsiderate. If you are not already that way, then focusing on yourself wont turn you into a selfish and inconsiderate person. Cosndiering us first and prioritizing us first, what that taught me was how much deeper and bigger love was and how little of it I had previously known, bc if we neglect us for another person, we are only doing the same thing they do to us. So rescue, obsess on saving yourself and fix you. Try it, focus on you and dont grin and bear it, perhaps at first you may need to detach with an axe, detaching with love takes finese and it really is doing two things at once, detaching and loving. Dont over compolicate it right now, just try to detach and get your own focus and attention on you, not on others where you lose you and feed the disease.
When I accepted this simple statement and applied it to me, it was when I really began to see how the disease works: When I focus on others, I lose me and feed the disease. When I focus on just *me*, I get empowered and the disease loses it's power to use me and keep me a stuck victim that has absolutely no control or power.
This is YOUr life, how are you showing HP/god that you appreciate what has been given? Are you honoring and resepctful of yourself? I felt very compromised and used by me, I had to see that me choosing to be manipulate-able is a choice too. We participate or not, its a choice we do have the power over to change. You will never be able to save him but if you get your recovery and serenity -- that most definetely will create a ripple effect that will touch others and you never know, maybe they will be inspired to get what you have - peace of mind and inner joy. Focus on you, your life depends on it! We guarnatee the misery you had when you found alanon will be returned to you if you dont change it, it keeps progressing and getting worse. You can do it, if I could do it, I know without a doubt any one else can, you only have to decide to surrender and try something brand new. Pray on it, none of us can do it without HP. TC & GB!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You are right: focus on me, my life depends on it. My sanity, my children's futures, my everything depends on me getting better, on me learning to surrender!
Surrender: Such a simple words, but so hard to do.
One of the big steps for me is to do things I want to do without asking my AH for permission. In the past, I have said, "I'm thinking about doing __________. Is that OK with you?"
Now, I schedule what I want to do and then say, "I need you to watch the kids because I am doing ________." And I am learning to reach out to others to watch my children when AH isn't available.
Turning a permission-seeking question into a statement is a big step for me.
