My therapist explained it to me this way: In treating co-dependency, you try to keep the good parts (compassion, do unto others, etc) and get rid of the bad parts (making everyone happy to the detriment of yourself, conflict avoidance, etc). Once you lose the compassion, you run the risk of becoming bitter and resentful.

Basically, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. There are good parts of co-dependency.

I read somewhere, I think it was the Marriage Builders web site, that detachment is not good for "normal"marriages, but must be used in a marriage to an alcoholic due to the dynamics of that specific relationship.

Here's the article, it's long but interesting: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html

When I look around, I too see how when I boil it down - everything can almost be codie in nature.  It isnt that manipulation is always wrong.  I looked up manipulation recently and it is either really bad, bc it is subversive and against what people want or it is done so eloquently and masterfully that hardly anyone notices or minds and it is what they want.

I do think it is vital that you check your own motives? Also having a sponsor to talk to and guide you through your program work, to mentor you in program, is a great tool.  If you are smiling at others, to evoke and get a smile back and you would be otherwise hurt or slighted that you did not get the response you expected - then yes you are people pleasing.  It is our expectations that tell us volumes.  I was told here to expect nothing, bc then less can hurt or throw you off of your course.  Again, we are here bc we are overly dependent on what we get from others and that is not healthy. 

Healthy ppl can think about themselves, they know what their needs are and how to get them met and they have established boundaries and limits and arent afraid to stand up for themselves, to express themselves and are able to keep themselves as their own center and in balance.  Being a little bit selfish, so that you can understand your own needs, is healthy.  The healthy ppl I do know, also are kind, considerate, thoughtful and able to accept others without the need to manipulate them to meet their own needs.

Codies and addicts are "addicted" to not facing themselves and pushing off their own accountability by blaming others and being stuck in feeling overly responsible for others and not themselves.  They are riddled with guilt and fear and no, I have met healthy people who would never take others so personally, that they are hurt by even words in passing.  See, when i came to alanon 6 yrs ago, one word from another could easily send me into a huge tailspin - that was my issue and I couldnt blame my feelings or reactions on every one else any longer, not if I wanted to gain health and well being.

My mom did a lot of things right when it came to me, when i was a baby and young school girl.  What she did wrong, was not exhibiting self love and prioritizing herself.  No, she was all about putting herself down and last.  I think that is very codie right there. Put on your own oxygen mask, so you can assist others.  That is what we are learning.  Bc in childhood, I would have thought that martyring me into death would have proved my "great" love for others, when what it shows is I abadnon myself.  This had to change.

I think if you take your walk and are merely happy, and dont expect a certain response from others, then you can be happy and smiling and it doesnt matter what other's do or dont do bc you are not allowing yourself to be hurt or affected by 'what you get back'.

I was told a gift is a gift and if I expect anything, I am giving it with strings and then it is not truly a "gift".

I also did get raised with the Golden Rule, of do unto others as you would have them do to you.  I do not think it is at all about - giving all of your energy away - it merely means that if we want kindness and consideration and resepct and understanding - we must give that to others first and to ourselves first.

    Now here comes the slippery slope for people who dont have boundaries/limits - is if we do get back unkindness, attacks, mean-ness or unkindness from others. then with healthy boundaires, we wouild not go out of our way to confront or ask for a response from someone that may treat us unkindly. Im talking about  repeat offender, not that someone didnt smile bc they had a bad day- I mean someone that is repeatedly mean or abusive to you &/or others.  If someone is cruel, with my boundaries, I can resepctfully give myself space from their attitude.  It is not my job to fix others or rescue them ever again, my job is to do that for me and me only.  

Only you can know what and how you think and feel.  I used to expect others to be able to know what I needed without standing up for me, and voicing my needs.  Only I can get my own needs met.  Needs are personal and it is up to each one of us to get them met, others cannot do this for us, as adults.  Obviously if you have a child, you are responsible for them until they become adults, then the person needs to rectify their past, put it into perspective and grow up and decide what works the healthiest for them andwhat supports their beliefs as adults in the world. 

I think you must face yourself very honestly to know if you are acting in an enabling or codependent way or not, are u trying to get a specific reaction or response from them? Do you feel insecure or less worthy if you dont get the expected responses?  Are you allowing others to be at the center of YOUr life?  If so, then perhaps you are giving away power that you can learn to save and hold for yourself.  See, I did think all of this was very selfish, that is bc I grew up in this disease.  It is not selfish to focus on the self, that is self preservation.  We are not saying that you never focus on othrs, but they should not be the center and at the control of you & your life. 

For an ACOA (adult child of addict/alcoholic) like me, I learned to keep adults at the center of my reality, I was taught to be manipualtive, focus on other's needs, moods, whims and not my own.  After six year of program and working it with my whole being, I can say that I may think to act in a certain way, but i can know be consdierate of myself and others by not jumping in to fix them for them, that is very disrespectful to them and their abilities, just as i cannot exepct anyone else to fix me for me.

Detachment for me, today it means, that I can own my own emotions withoout having to save them from theirs or even feel them for them.  I have boundaries that define how I get to feel, for myself.  I am still very empathetic and compassionate towards others, only now I dont cross the resepct line and attempt to save them, no I merely am supportive, listen and can be understanding without having to jump in and abadnon myself.  Once I put me first and was able to love me with my HP's hand and support, it all changed for me.  I am here with my HP and I defer to my god, I dont try and control life or run it without much inner surrendering of my wants and desires.  Focusing on my needs keeps that simple & clear for me.  I offer kindness and resepct to others and I can relate to them as well. 

Detachment is such a big deal to us codies bc for so long we did not feel like we were able to have our own thoughts, feelings and responses.  Most "normal" people dont "attach" as fast or as hard as I do.  1) I am an only child and only children to attach faster and harder than folks with siblings. 2) I patholigically attach to others bc I am set up to fixate on them, and their needs and whatever else they may dream up -- so i personally had to really really work on detaching with love.  We are control freaks, that are out of control ourselves if we are fixated on finding validation, love, approval from others.  It is a sick left over need from the way we grew up.  My desperation to please, it ran many off and healthier people dont tolerate our emotional outbursts, emotional manipulation, threats or other tactics.  And my emotional reactions ran my life, I felt like a prisoner in my own head.  I was also very sucidal about "disappointing" my parents, so yes learning to be "emotionally detached" was really just going to what was heatlhy and appropriate for living, bc what I learned and was programmed to do was so sick, dependent and terminally avoidant.

Today the core of me, is right there holding my HP's hand and not worrying about other people, they have thier own HP and I am not it.  When i worry about them, I pray and hand them over to their HP's and that is very constructive/healthy for me now.

I hope this answered your question, somewhat.