The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm Louise. Here's my story. I'm a 21 year old and for as long as I can remember my mum has been an alcoholic. She used to try to hide it from us when me and my brothers were younger and put us to bed early. But as we grew up we started to see her drinking more and it has effected our lives more every year. She is a completely different person when she's drunk, and the only time she isn't is briefly in the morning and throughout the day when she works. For this brief sober time she is the nicest person in the world and so I feel terrible and guilty for ever thinking she is a bad person. But when she is intoxicated she is awful and insults us and makes us feel like terrible people. A few years ago she tried to commit suicide and went to hospital, and I thought that for the first time, maybe she was going to get help. But that didn't happen and shortly after my Dad left our family and hasn't even bothered to see us for two years. Lately my Mums drinking has gotten worse and worse and she is very sick and losing weight all the time. I think she is going to die if she doesn't get help. And i feel like it is my responsibilty to make sure she does. It is a big weight on my shoulders because if she dies it will feel like my fault. I also wouldn't be able to live without my mum. I've been trying to talk her into seeing a psychologists. She needs to go to Rehab but she won't. I know it has to be her decision to get help, but she won't. I was thinking of paying for her therapy session and going with her the first time. They are expensive though and I don't know whether we can afford it. I don't know how to help her and I don't know how to help my family. My brothers still live at home and deal with her every day. I moved away for college but at the end of the year I have to go home and I'm worried that I'll get depression because of it. I want a good life for my mum and my brothers and it could be better if someone could just help my mum. Everyone else has abandoned her. Why are there no good people anymore?
People are probably just so frustrated with her that they have given up. Sounds like it is beyond obvious that she needs help and she wont get it. After a certain point, if it becomes obvious she is putting others or herself in danger, you can have her committed. She might not forgive you for that, or it might be just what she needs. Unfortunately, there are no easy or right answers here and you have just written a sad testament about what alcoholism does to an individual and their family. People try and drown their sorrows in alcohol and then they just stay their drowning and don't even want a lifeline.
I really feel for you. All that you can control is your own feelings of guilt and misplaced responsiblility. Remember, you didn't cause this, can't change it, and can't cure it. None of this is your fault and you really really need to understand and believe that. A ton of other people along the lines could have stepped in to help this before you (mainly your mom).
Please consider gong to an Alanon face to face meeting if you have not been. Try it out for six times and take it or leave it if you don't find anything of value there. I have been an active member in the program for many years. They have a great pamphlet online on another recover website called Alcoholism a Merry Go Round Named Denial. I always suggest the alanon website however, it is for sale there. On this website it is free and I think you may find it of value. Again, just a suggestion, take it or leave it. I grew up in a home much like yours. I feel your pain. You will find strength and the answers you are looking for in the rooms of alanon. Please keep coming back!
I am so sorry that your Mom is battling this destructive and deadly disease of alcoholism. Please know that you are not alone and that you will find help here and at alanon face to face meetings in your community.
You are correct, your Mom must want help in order for this help to work . AA meetings in your community are FREE and so much help is available when and if she reaches out . I would like to suggest that your mental health and sanily needs help becaus living with this disease infects everyone it touches.
Please try our meetings here and in your home town you are worth it. Prayers for your mom.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 08:49:28 AM
Glad you are here. That is a lot to contend with. Why not give al anon a shot. The meetings can help you can go to a face to face and there are meetings here a couple of times a day. We also have a room where you can go and chat anytime.
Your mother sounds much like my younger sister who has two boys. She has drunk since she was 16 and now its a couple of decades later. She goes up and down, skinny one minute, sick as a dog, bright as a button the next. I would go stir crazy if I did not have al anon to balance me. I would just be sucked into the disease like a vacumn cleaner, get churned up in all the garbage and feel like its all on me!
Al anon can help you learn its not all on you. At the same time you can certainly love your mother and understand the disease. That's sanity.
I'm glad you are reaching out. This place has helped me immeasurably.
Good luck and I look forward to getting to know you.
Thank so much much for everyones responses and support. I'm so glad I stumbled across this site as I was looking for therapy for my mum. It's definitely what I needed because I usually can't talk about this to anyone who understands, except my elder brother, and he doesn't often want to talk about it.
I guess my main problem is. Every night, I go through the same routine of having fights with mum about her alcoholism. She responds angrily and picks of my own weight problems, which isn't a very nice thing for a mum to do. I feel like if I sit around and don't say anything, that I am condoning her behavior. I don't think I can stop questioning her actions, but I don't think I can continue this awful cycle with her either.
One of the Alanon sayings is..... hurt people, hurt people......it becomes a vicious merry-go-round, but it can be stopped.
There is a way to make things better for you, to make your life more manageable whether your Mum keeps drinking, or not.
I urge you to find an Alanon family group near you, you will hear stories similar to your own, there is lots of Experience Strength and Hope shared (ESH) ......surround yourself with people who understand.
Glad you have reached out & hope you keep coming back.....
It has been my experience if you argue with an AH, then you are arguing with a bottle. I understand exactly how you feel. Please really consider going to an Alanon meeting. There are so many groups all around the world with evening meetings. That may be a good option for you to get out of the house. When AH pick on other people, they are trying to deflect attention from their drinking and put it right back on someone else. The disease does not like to be recognized or pointed out. It lashes out in guilt, scorn, and shame.
