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first, i want to thank those who replied to my last post for all the support and encouragement. man, that helps so much!
funny thing is, what i posted is what i really need help on tonight. the matter of my a expecting me to give him money cuz he gambled and drank it all away. he is down to his last $20, and won't get a check till a week from fri. he is panicking, and expecting me to cover him. unfortunately, when i was out of town staying with my mom a few weeks ago, he found my change stash. it is my christmas stash for my kids, and there isn't even $100 in it, but he expects me to cash it in for him, and says he will write me out a check for the amt., and i can cash it on oct. 7th. i have been in this position with him before, and he never pays me back. he says, 'but this time i'll write you out a check, and you can cash it on the 7th.' and i say, 'but, come the 7th, you'll tell me not to cash it, or else!' i don't know what to do. i DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!! but since i am telling him i wont do it, he is going nuts on me. i told him i could give him like $20, but won't cash my stash for him! and the odd thing is, is that he told me tonight that my change added up to 97.50 (i keep a piece of paper in it and keep track of what's in there), and i just added a little to it TODAY to make the balance 97.50. i have moved it since he found it, so i asked him when he last saw how much was in it. he said a few weeks ago when i was gone. well, i've added about $20 since i was gone! there was no 97.50 in it a few weeks ago! so, now i have to hide it AGAIN! he keeps saying, 'trust me, trust me, i''l pay you back'. i said, 'how can i trust you when you can't even be honest with me about needing it in the first place?' cuz earlier he had said he had $10 to his name, then that story changed, and he said, 'no, i said i had $10 in my checking acct.' blah blah blah.
i want to trust him sooo bad, but then, i DON'T want to let myself trust him soo bad! i don't want to give in, but i'm terrified of how he'll freak out on me if i dont. his verbal abuse will get horrific if i don't help him out. i just don't know what to do. he says, 'well, just cash the check on the 7th, even if i tell you not to.' YA RIGHT!!!! then he'll completely freak out on me all over again! i told him earlier, if i did it, i want it IN WRITING that i can cash the check on the 7th.
i can't be objective about this right now. i just know if he doesnt get his way, i will pay and pay and pay for it. not monetarily, but with his verbal and emotional abuse.
there is so much more i wanted to write, but i really need to get to bed. i have a huge application to fill out for the job i'm applying for, which i hoped to get done tonight, but with him pressuring me all night about this money, i wasn't able to finish it.
i trust that some sleep, and some wise replies here, will help me see things more clearly tomorrow. and, of course, lots and lots of prayer!
If he is going to "Freak out" now or on the 7th, why not let him do it now an dget it over with. 1.) You will have your Christmas money abd 2) You will have set a boundary and and by now backing down he will see that you mean it. "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten."
Stay strong...you can do it! Can you put the money in a private bank account? Can you cash it in and buy a gift card from a toy store or another place. A gift card would certainly be easier to hide than all of that change,
Angry words are still only words...detach. As long as you are safe and there is no violence...it's just words. Enabling means bailing them out of situations they have created, doing things for them that they can do themselves, making thier life easier so they can continue drinking etc. What do you think he will do with your $97.50? He will do what A's do, he will drink your children's Christmas money.
If you should decide to say NO, plan ahead not to react no matter what. Maybe even plan some outings for you and the kids. Much of the program is based on you getting stronger. When the alcoholic is left to look at himself w/o help, he may eventually hit bottom as his life gets harder and decide he needs help. Heck, tell him you had to pay a bill with the money if you have to. Maybe fibbing isn't the best way to go..but if it takes the heat off of you and the result is that he doesn't get to drink the Christmas money....so be it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
abby, your statement is so true, and it has been my mantra today.
powerless, it's not just a matter of him either freaking out now, or freaking out on the 7th. "i just know if he doesnt get his way, i will pay and pay and pay for it. not monetarily, but with his verbal and emotional abuse." i'm not saying i will give in, but if i don't, he won't just freak out now...he'll never forget it, and throw it in my face over and over again. that's what makes it so hard, too. so far, tonight, i have stood my ground, but i know this battle isn't over. in fact, he added a new twist to it tonite. he was sposed to pay $100 on his drivers license thing today, and didn't, of course. he called the people, and got them to agree to him paying $25 by tomorrow. of course, he's expecting me to do it. i still said no, and of course, now i am
-'just here for the free ride,
-now he knows how i really feel about him,
-why don't i trust him when he says he'll write me a check for the amt that i can cash next week,
-after all he's done for me (which just means paying the house payment and utilities) and all he's asking for is $25 or else they'll issue a warrant for his arrest and he'll lose his job and go to jail, all because of $25 that i won't loan him
-why am i doing this to him?
-why am i making this so difficult?
-your just a stupid bitch
-i work my ass off all day, while you just sit on yours, and you can't do this one little thing for me" ON AND ON!
well, it won't end at just needing $25. god, this is so frustrating, and it really is hard. if i stand my ground, i have a lot of abuse to look forward to. and to me, like Christy said, it's NOT just angry words. its CUTTING words, DEMEANING words, MEAN words, false accusations, i HATE the verbal abuse. i suppose that is one way he has learned to control me...he knows how much it hurts me when he abuses me. but at the same time, i KNOW the statement about enabling...bailing him out of a mess he's created, is SO true. i know i need to stand my ground, but the prospect of being verbally abused over this (and he will use this over and over for yrs if i don't give in), really has me scared. it doesn't make him take a look at HIMSELF, it makes him look at ME, and how rotten i am for not being there for him.
i know not giving in is the right thing to do, in the long run, and Christy, your advice to prepare myself if i say no, is very helpful and true, too. but i just picture paying for this over and over again until the day far far away, if it ever comes, when he would finally say...'you were right to not give into me that time, lori.' that day seems forever away, and may never come, and the days ahead of being told how rotten i am don't sound too appealing!
don't get me wrong. i haven't given in yet! and i don't want to. these are the struggles i am going thru right now, tho. cuz it doesn't make him respect me by not giving in. it makes him think i am a rotten, disloyal wife. it doesn't make him realize that HE isn't there for ME. it just makes him think i am not there for him.
anyway, when this is over, as usual, i will look back and wonder why i got so worked up. but this is usually how i work thru things. i get all upset, worried, etc., and the times i SUCCEED in doing the right thing, i always think, 'why did i get so freaked out? hp worked it all out!'
thanks for listening to my battle within. i still don't know how it will end. i'm trying my best!
