The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It all seems so pointless. I have zero experience with alcoholics. I have no coping skills.
I only recently made the connection that my husband (AH?) is an alcoholic. He has a family history of it. It is an almost daily issue. I guess he is what you call high functioning. He holds down a stressful but executive type job. This is his crutch for his drinking...because his job is so stressful.
Last Saturday night (over a week ago) we had the police at our house...twice. This has never happened to me. I was so ashamed. Domestic disturbance. I confronted him about somethinig else (past infidelity) and it got ugly. He had been drinking - I should have known better - although he has never shown any signs of violence before. But...we rarely fight. He started throwing things and pushing me around and I panicked and called 911. We were advised to leave the house (me and my 17 yr old son) for the night. Soon after we left, he sent me a text message that made it clear he was considering suicide. 911 was called again and (supposedly - I was not there) them ringing the doorbell repeatedly is the only thing that kept him from pulling the trigger.
At one time, I loved this man with all my heart. But that man is just not who I am living with anymore. I am married to a bitter, lying, cheating man. I think what keeps me there is the rare occassion when I see a flicker of that man I loved so fiercely. Just thinking that he might come back.
I feel exhausted from trying to keep everything together. I realize that I can't control his drinking. But I don't seem to be able to break that cycle.
I just want some joy. Some laughter. Some shared moments.
And I feel totally lost. I hope tonights meeting is the beginning of some new phase in my life. I don't know what to expect. I am kind of nervous. I'm a fairly reserved person and hope I am not forced to stand up and make some sort of speech.
Thanks if you've read this far. Today has been a very hard and emotional day.
-- Edited by Georgia on Monday 25th of April 2011 09:42:43 PM
Hi Georgia, welcome! You've come to the right place.
Coming to Alanon has saved me, you will find strength and hope... others will relate to your story. You will be amongst other who truly do understand.
I know how sad it is to hold on to the man you wish he could be, the man you used to love so much...to want him back. I've been there. I watched my husband (AH means alcoholic husband), go from the most kind, loving, caring, compassionate man I had even know - to - a mean, cruel, delusional, selfish mess. It's like aliens came and took over his body. I felt alone, sad, isolated, hopeless, full of fear... ect.. but, you don't have to feel that way.
If you don't want to share at a meeting, you don't have to... you can just pass until you are ready to share.
Welcome. I glad you found MIP. Great for finding an Al-Anon face to face meeting and planning on attending tonight. And no not to worry, you will not be forced to stand up and make some sort of speach. The members you will meet tonight are there for the same reason as you. They all have been effected by someone else's drinking. No one will tell you what you should or should not do. Listen and learn from others experience, strength, and hope........What has worked for them.
Even though we are all different, we are all so much the same.......of kindred spirit. We here at MIP and the members you will meet tonight will understand you as perhaps no one else can. Al-anon I a great program and you have made a giant step in your recovery by reaching out for the help you need and deserve.
Keep coming back. Tell us how the meeting went. Most important your not alone in the disease anymore.
HUGS, RLC
P.S. One more suggestion. Stay a few minutes after the meeting tonight for what we call....The meeting after the meeting....Talk to some of the Old Timers who have been in the program. They understand where you are because they have been in your shoes. Don't hesitate, this program is about giving back to others what the program has given us. Hugs Again.
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 25th of April 2011 01:04:44 PM
Aloha Georgia...Welcome to the fellowship and sooo sorry with you that the family is being affected by this progressive often fatal disease of alcoholism.
You've found a face to face meeting and those will save your sanity and your life as you go and commit to continuing. If there is an Alateen meeting available also take your son cause the children of alcoholics suffer deeply also and often in ways which are different than adults.
You have to go for Georgia and Georgia only. Like staying out of the house on the 911 call Al-Anon is about saving your life and not the alcoholics. There are solutions for him that he needs to choose and followup with hopefully the suicide threat was only a cry for help which it is for now.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical. As a disease it is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body it is not a moral issue. It is progressive...it will always get worse never better and can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. Because of the compulsion and obsession the alcoholic has lost the choice as to whether they drink or not. It progresses and even if the alcoholic were to stop for a while and then continue on there will be that time as if no period of sobriety ever existed and often it will be worse. Alcoholics affect everyone they come in contact with, their spouses, family, friends and associates. Alcoholics have but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. We also the family and friends of the alcoholic are affected in much the same way. We get as crazy as they do and often worse because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We also affect every one we come into contact with and have much the same three choices....Serenity, insanity or death.
That was a paraphase of the definition of the disease of alcoholism which we use to read when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon as you are about to or have with MIP. Listen for at the end of the meeting; in the closing statement where it will say, "If you keep an open mind you will find help." That suggestion is my experience.
Have a great first meeting. The fellowship will be there and there will be a chair for you and a literature table and more...the more part will be that you will be met with unconditional love.
Keep coming back here also. MIP is family and we are in support. ((((hugs))))
I lived with all the insanity, too! It took me years to finally realize that my exAH had a BIG problem with alcohol.
Just last month (March) I began attending meetings. I had contemplated attending for over 3 years! I wish I had gone much SOONER! But at least I'm finally attending on a regular basis.
Don't worry, no one will put you on the spot and ask you to stand up for anything. I've attending about 12 meetings so far, and I've witnessed newcomers at each of those meetings. No one was put on the spot, only welcomed.
My first few times attending meetings was rather awkward. There was a part of me that didn't want to return - but that was a very small part. The awkwardness that I felt, and still do to a lesser degree, is well worth it!
Just listening to others share their stories and how they turned their lives around is so healing and gives me so much hope. I can't begin to tell you how much I benefit.
And too, there are some that have attended these meetings for over 8 months and still don't feel comfortable sharing. So again, there is no pressure to speak up.
Just listen intently with an open mind. A lot of what others say might make you question their intentions; that's okay. My suggestion is stick around long enough and you'll understand the "old timers" stances. By the way, they are the ones that always have a smile on their faces at meetings - listen ever so closely to what they say!
Come back and let us know how your first meeting went.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
If you are going to a meeting for the first time, what always worked for me was to listen to the similarities not the differences. That way you feel part of not separate from the group. Stay after the meeting and try to speak to the chair person. It is suggested that you attend six or more face to face meeting before making a decision if alanon is right for you. The first meeting generally you are a guest when the basket is passed. I never shared for the first few months I went. Then one day I took the big leap. It was the best thing I ever did.
The meeting was beyond my expectations. I am so glad I went. I did hang around after the meeting ended. Bought a book...the dilemma ofnthe alcoholic marriage. A woman approached me and gave me her number. We talked for nearly 30 minutes in the parking lot. She said a lot of things I related to.
The nit was really....inspiring.
Oh, the meetings after the meeting. Phone numbers exchanged. Others willing to freely give back what the program has given them. Not being alone in the disease anymore. Being part of a family who understands and only wants the best for you.
Nine hours ago you stated......." I feel totally lost"
Nine hours later you write......"The meeting was beyond my expectations" and " Inspiring".
You have a willingness and desire to make your life better. Keep going back to your meetings and coming back to MIP.
There is a difference between taking baby steps or giant steps in our recovery. Today and tonight you took a giant step !!
