The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for sharing your stories - I find they help me to feel less alone, more inspired.
As I've written before, I am currently staying at my in-laws with my 11-month-old, while my husband has begun an outpatient treatment program and AA meetings.
Today I am here alone with my daughter who has a fever, was vomiting, and is having diarrhea - I, of course, have pink eye. We are too much of a mess to do attend Easter with my family at my Grandmother's, and my in-laws are out of town for the day (I would have been invited, of course).
My husband and I have not been in touch this week, and I know is still angry and blaming me/us/his family for everything that challenges him. I feel very, very alone, scared, hurt, and absolutely exhausted. Last week I asked him for space and time to work on my issues and asked him to focus on himself - he was angry about this, and so stood me up at family night for his program, which meant that I had wasted hours of my day and had arranged for my baby to be cared for, just to be turned away because he had not even signed the release form that would have allowed me to stay. It was his revenge for me asking for space/time.
I am having difficulty getting past step 2. I want to surrender, and am being told to do so by Al-Anon as well. However, I keep contemplating: What if he never actually works the program? What if we get divorced? How will I deal with custody issues if there are any? My job situation is shaky, I have a great deal of student loans to pay back, and I'm feeling hopeless.
I also miss him, the real him, not the disease that has taken him hostage again.
I'm so tired from this weekend - my poor baby can't even nap for more than 15 minutes without waking up screaming from her fever and stomach distress. Back to work tomorrow, and interviews on Tuesday. How do I even pull myself together to feel worthy and deserving enough of job interviews?
Help please!
KLotus
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I am sorry to hear you are having A TOUGH TIME. Last week I ended up in hospital I was stressed out anxiety attacks, full of fear all the what ifs, I was on my knees.
I know it is hard when we have an A as a partner and so much responsibility but we really do have to try and take care of ourselves. Halt is a good one are you hungrey, angrey lonely or tired. I find it hard to reach out for help but I really believee i hit my rock bottom last week and had to reach out and people were there for me. A week later I am in such a better place THIS TO SHALL PASS, it may not feel ike it now. On top of everything your little one is ill. I used some of my holidays at work I am off now for another week, I have slowed down I REALLY NEEDED TO. Your husband is getting help its your responsibility to get your own help. I have used my phone alot this week I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE and prayed a lot to Hp to take my fear and pain from me. I am thinking of you hope you can give yourself some of the TLC you need.
I don't mean to make light of all the obstacles facing you right now. And I know that in one sense you're alone, because you have to take care of your daughter and yourself without anyone there to help you. I've been there and it's hard and it hurts. In another sense, we're there with you, and so is your HP. Please feel us standing at your shoulder and saying, "We've been there, it's hard. Lean on us as much as you want."
The future is unknowable, and that's hard too. I was never so frightened as when I saw the future scrolling out in front of me. Taking care of a baby is hard enough without feeling you may have to make your way in the world, change much of what you're used to, and figure out a new life. But one step at a time. Even though there's no certainty about the future -- and that's stressful -- it only has to be negotiated one day at a time. It's easy to let all the worst-case scenarios play out in our minds. What's the saying about F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real? What I find out in my oddyssey was that when I was put to the test, I was a lot more capable than I would have believed.
The way I see it, to surrender isn't to change anything except to acknowledge reality. We're powerless over the addiction and the addict, and all our efforts to control things haven't worked. When we get square with reality we can really move forward. That said, we don't have to do it all in one big leap. One babystep at a time, just like one day at a time. We just have to take care of ourselves today. You have a whole lot on your plate, with your daughter's illness and your own. That's when things can really seem overwhelming. Maybe this isn't the time to start trying to think things through. I'm always waking up in the middle of the night and worrying myself half to death. My therapist has told me, "That's not the time to be worrying. That's the time your brain puts on the Fox News." She means all the sensationalism and drama and fear. It's not problem-solving, it's just watching all the fires and dangers. When you're sick and taking care of a sick one also isn't the time to be turning your brain to the Fox News Channel. I hope you can just take care of yourself now and let the bigger questions wait. Hugs.
Hugs to you..... I know how you are feeling.... I have spent birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgivings, and Christmas alone while my AH was in different rehabs/detox. It is not a pleasant way to spend a holiday and I did feel truly alone at the time. Even when I had my family over to celebrate, it is not the same. Even surrounded by people, I felt alone. The last time this happened, was my Mother's funeral. My AH was back in rehab and I sat by her bedside until the end, made the funeral arrangements, put up family and relatives at my home, and attended her funeral/burial without him. Thankfully, this had happened enough times, that my family/relatives had enough tact to not ask questions. But I will tell you it can get better. It has made me more independent. I think that even during turmoil, I have proven to myself that I can handle it. I remind myself that God won't give me more than I can handle. It was after my Mom's passing that I have really worked on ME. I attend meetings, come to this board, read self help books, attend church regularly. These have all helped.
The fact of the matter is, you can't make your AH sober. Only he can do this. The only thing that you can do, it work on getting YOU well. I know for myself, I was as sick or sicker than my AH after living in all the insanity and chaos for many years. It became "normal" living for me. Looking back, I don't know how I did it. I have made a firm commitment to myself to get well and take care of me.
I have been lucky as my AH has found sobriety and is diligently working his program. I do feel that the harder I work on me, the harder he works his program. I wonder if part of it is that he knows now that I am not willing to take responsility for him or his addictions.
I hope that I have shown you that there is HOPE. You can do this too. You are worthy. Don't worrry about the "what ifs" until they become a reality or you will drive yourself crazy with worry. Take it one day at a time. You are never alone, we are here for you.
Stay in the day, sweetie. Focus on doing the next right thing, which to me, looks like resting as much as you are able... because you and your baby are sick. Surrender to that, and let the rest go. Stop thinking.
I get overwhelmed when I look at everything I have to do. It's important to make that list, but I can only do so much in one day... prioritize and break it down into manageable pieces. What must be done today? Let the rest go.
There is a paragraph in the Big Book that comforts me when I am overwhelmed with fear...
"Just to the extent that we do as we believe He would have us do... and humbly rely on Him.... does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."
There was a time when I recited that line over and over all day long. Yes, even at work.... just to try and stay in HP's will and turn off my brain. It gave me much-needed clarity at a time when I truly didn't know what I needed to do next. It gave me direction.
I also like the Fear Prayer, "God, please remove my fear and direct my attention to how You would have me be."
It's going to be okay. Just stay in the day. ((hugs))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I felt absolutely devastated every holiday with the now Ex A. I allowed all his junk and family dysfunction to take over. I didn't have the ability to set boundaries.
These days I am certainly aware plenty of people don't like me. It doesn't devastate me anymore in the way it used to.
This last week a person at work made it clear she had derided my work ethic and my job to others. In the past I would have been devastated by it and felt absolutely victimized. I certainly was a little taken aback but after a time I saw that that is the way she operates rather than a reflection on me. I know I work hard, well and am industrious enough. Today I am enough rather than not good enough!
None of us get to a place of detachment and boundary making overnight. We do get there though if we work a program and are "willing".
I had to start somewhere of course and I'll tell you that a decade ago I came here lost, isolated, bereft, totally suicidal and absolutely overwhelmed. Al anon has helped me to the place of being able to work with life on life's terms. Do I like those terms, not one bit but I am willing to live within them these days and not be suicidal, grief stricken and absolutely obsessed with someone who is ill with alcoholism.
Glad you are here. You are at the start of a wonderful journey to a better place irregardless of what the alcoholic does!
Gosh, I feel your pain. I have a little one that was sick over Easter as well fever for five days straight day and night. I said through that time over and over
