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well today I went back to therapy. It was the first step in the right direction for me. Next week my goal is to get ot a f2f meeting, I have been using what I knew from when I did attend up until now. The argument with my friend has left with little to do at night...I spent a large portion of my time chatting with her both laughing and commiserating about the state of our lives. It's made me reflect on the fact that I do little with myself by myself. I took the dog for a long walk tonight and a ride to the store, and although not alot it was a move in the right direction. I'm taking small steps. It's all I can do. My A has been calling a lot and we have talked about things but I am still apprehensive. We discussed the fact that he needs more time to work things through as do I, there is a lot of baggage to go through. During his last stint at sobriety I don't feel he was ever honest about alot of things with himself let alone me. Pardon me if I offend anyone, but alot of it had to do with sex. My A has a tendency to frequent establishments where he can get it when he is in relapse mode and quite honestly it has had a severe effect on my marriage and our sex life. After a while, I stopped complaining about it and to be honest it led me to places that I would have never gone, especially being married. I am not proud of the things that I have done either and no longer wanting to feel that way is half of the reason I am separated. I'm not sure if any of you out there have had this experience but it is something I am struggling with. I feel that I need the truth from him about everything. To put it all on the table. He said that he would be willing to do that in time. How do I handle this? I have established the boundary of "Get sober" I've been maintaining it, but how do I do this?
Kim wrote: led me to places that I would have never gone, especially being married. I am not proud of the things that I have done either and no longer wanting to feel that way is half of the reason I am separated. I'm not sure if any of you out there have had this experience but it is something I am struggling with. I feel that I need the truth from him about everything. To put it all on the table. He said that he would be willing to do that in time. How do I handle this? I have established the boundary of "Get sober" I've been maintaining it, but how do I do this?
W/out knowing your details or me spilling mine, I can relate to that. I have done things in my past that I am not proud of. After very serious self reflection, I know why I did what I did...and I don't want to do them again.
Truth. Boy that's a tough one. Somethings, and this is just me, somethings I wouldn't want to know. Somethings I would. I would put it in your HP's hand. You will know what you are suppose to know when the time is right.
As for the rest..KUDOS to you! Small steps in a positive direction! Pretty soon, days to weeks...weeks to months and before you know it you are taking care of yourself better than you ever did!
I can understand your feeling that you need to know everything, but I wonder if that is just another way of 'counting drinks' - that is, focusing on what the A does, instead of on what you do, and on what you need. I've been there too, and this is something I struggle with. My husband has said to me "You know that if you knew every detail, you would just fixate on it, it would make you more unhappy, not less". Well, yes, maybe, but I also know that he is saying that not out of concern for me, but to save his own ass.
For myself, I am working ON myself. I am not doing things I do not feel comfortable doing. I am asking to be treated well by him when he is with me, and he is doing that. I am just keeping a neutral attitude towards what he does when he is away (he travels a lot for his work). I am not driving myself crazy with suspicion, but I'm not living in a world of denial ("Oh, he'll never do THAT again! After all, he said he wouldn't) either. He will do what he will do, and I will make decisions on what I do about it based on how it affects me. I have realized that I can leave him if I need to.
I would lay all this out with your therapist, and also at your meetings. You don't have to go into a lot of detail, you don't even have to say that it's about sex, if you don't feel comfortable, at the meetings. It's your feelings and your thoughts that are important, not the details. Frankly, I have found that just talking about things that I have never talked about before is so liberating - I lose half my burden just there. Eventually, you will find that you know what you want to do.
I guess more of the issue for me, although trying to focus on myself, and what I will and will not tolerate, is that the more he refuses to acknowledge it and communicate about it (less the detail, more the honesty) the more apprehenisve I grow. I am afraid to get blindsighted by yet another indiscretion he feels to confess to down the road. I know I can't handle that.
