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"When I began to work at being really honest, I discovered that many of the things I thought I did unselfishly were pure rationalizations, tricks to get my own way about something."
-Lois W.
This is soooo true for me. When I got here, I really and truly believed that since my motives were so good, my behavior was also outstanding, and all of my actions were unselfish and justified. I really and truly, honestly, believed it. Maybe this was my denial about MY actions.
It was really an awakening to me to discover how selfish I had been, and how I made it look so UNSELFISH, even to myself. I tried as hard as I could - every way imaginable - to get the alcoholic to stop drinking. I thought my motive was so pure - I really thought that the motive was that I was concerned about him. I think that for me, when I am completely honest, my concern was less with the other person than it was with the fact that I felt out of control when the other person didn't do what I said. Simply put, why did it matter so much if the other person was drinking? Nobody was forcing me to stay and be around it. Nobody was forcing me to clean up, take care, assume resonsibility, etc. And yet my whole life was consumed by trying to get the alcoholic to stop. It was like I thought MY life was magically going to be better if the other person wasn't drinking anymore. What kind of sense does that even make??
When I really honestly take inventory, very few of the actions that looked selfless actually were. I always did the caretaking grudgingly - told myself and everyone else that I "had to." I bitched and moaned the whole time about it. I was resentful when nobody noticed. I let everyone else know how good of a job I was doing, and made people feel guilty by telling them how much I'd done and playing the martyr. I pointed out how selfish other people were so that I could feel superior about how "unselfish" I was. I grew more and more resentful when the things I did weren't appreciated, or when the other person didn't do exactly what I wanted. Everything I did had a motive, even though I couldn't see it before the program.
It's crazy to me how my disease is also cunning and baffling, even though it does not involve a substance.
wow, that's so interesting. when i went to Al-Anon meetings in '90 (trying to leave an ex-AH) i first became aware of the martyr thing, and i could see it in myself when i read back through my journals, though i'm not addicted to any substances, either. then i looked back at my childhood and could see clearly that my mom had done the martyr thing with my dad, even though there were no substances (that i knew of) involved, his addiction was rage and violence. i worked so damn hard to rid myself of that behavior, sometimes i went to the other extreme! a therapist told me "it's ok to be selfish" and i took that as permission to be an idiot. i was still struggling with learning step-work, then dropped Al-Anon altogether, because with the ex-AH out of my life entirely, i thought i wouldn't have problems any more.
it took me a while to find the middle path between extremes! i started 'bouncing back' towards the middle each time i hit my edges. like a pendulum slowly returning to the small circles in the center. that's when my life started going really well. i found joy in small acts of selfishness and selflessness without feeling i had to go deep into either behavior. (although i still tends towards selflessness and have to be vigilant about that.)
i started Al-Anon 5 years ago when i began getting serious with a clean-n-sober man, the best thing he ever did for me was tell me that his being clean-n-sober didn't mean he had no problems, he told me he still had a disease and had to deal with it every day or he'd die. i've learned so much more from Al-Anon than i ever learned in therapy, i guess because it's real-world, common sense, everyday sorts of things to learn. i have issues that have nothing to do with addictions (or are they? i keep an open mind) that i can receive help from the 12 steps and prayer.
at this point, i'm swinging deep back into the selflessness area. we're in crisis and my daughter of course has to come first. i keep forgetting, the airplane thing where you have to put the mask on yourself before putting it on your child! i'm working the program in isolation at the moment but had the courage to call a few names on the list i got last year, asking for rides. i have to hope at least one person will give me rides to meetings. then i wonder, are they being martyrs? sometimes when i work on one particular thing, i suddenly start to see it in everyone around me - then i stop wondering, i have to remind myself it's their own issue, not mine. then of course i have a little pendulum in my head that goes, "it's their issue, but is there anything i can help with? if they asked me for help, could i give it?" the old martyr wants to be there for everyone.
That is sooo interesting, especially about how having good motives lets us excuse everything. Things are sometimes so confusing because I find that many times when I thought I was selfless and virtuous, I was actually acting purely for my own self-interest. But also many situations where I blame myself for being shameful and inadequate, I need to forgive myself and realize I was doing the best I could. So hard to know when to castigate myself and when to forgive myself. Thanks for bringing up this subject -- much food for thought.
yep, I covered up a bad motive with a good motive quite often. I wanted what I wanted (my spiritual immaturity) and I was very clever and devious about it. I was stuck in self-will.
Thanks for the post ((WR))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks for this. I also felt the same way. I got to a meeting and everyone was speaking about their own negative behavior and giggling about it. I knew right then that I was not all that I thought I was. It really knocked me down a couple pegs. But that was a great thing to learn. I like how the op said that no one was forcing them to stay. Yep, too familiar.
Oh White Rabbit you are singing my song! I love you ESH and you help me to stay self focused, which i have been having a little trouble with lately, THANK YOU!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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