He is home, update - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

He is home, update

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been sober 2 and a half years and many in AA would still look at me as a newcomer. I read in several of your posts about how the fiance has had sobriety several times and lost it in between 6 months and 2 years. That pattern is disturbing and it would make him a serious retread. While it is good that he can get some sobriety time under his belt, it is not really a strength since he relapses repeatedly and it will be gut wrenchingly disturbing for you each time it happens. I would proceed with caution.

katfshh · Senior Member

I agree. I told him today, I am not making wedding plans, and we will not share out money. I don't really know where we will go from here, although, I am not ready to make any decision one way or the other yet. Thanks. Proceed with caution sounds like what I need to do. He also has never had psychotherapy and he needs it. He did start that as premarital counseling with me, and the counselor has been touching base with me on a daily basis. He wants to see him privately at least twice a week. My AF has stuff he never delt with, like finding his 47 year old father dead when he was 17. When he was 12 he was taken from his mother, because the step father was beating him, and his father was awarded custody. When he went to say goodbye to his mom, she said, "Just get away from me." He then had to leave and go to the other side of the country to live with his dad. Then at 17 had to come back to his mother, since his dead died tragically. Anyway, the counselor told him that he will be leaps and bounds ahead in his recovery in six months then he ever has been before if he works his program and continues therapy. My dad was an A, and he was worth loving. My mother stayed with him for 50 years until the minute he died. They arent evil. But, like everyone here says, we have to take care of ourself. That is something I really need to learn how to do. Even today, I am frustrated with myself, because he doesn't want me to leave his side while he is laying there miserable and feeling like crapola. I finally told him I needed to go to the family room to watch a movie or something. So, although, in some sick way, I love that he needs me right there, I am learning that there is something inside of me that wants him to want me there. So, I am trying to step back today and pay attention.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Putting the focus on ourselves and our recovery is the key. I can't wait on my wife to find recovery, that's her choice. I can't fix her, but I can fix me. I can't control her, but I can control me. My experience has been, putting all the focus on myself and taking care of myself first.......works. The three C's come to mind. It's a hard struggle in early recovery for the alcoholic's in our lifes. But their recovery is between them and their HP. Turning our alcoholic's over 100% to a power greater than ourselves, and not taking them back, gives us time to put all the focus where it should be.....on us. I did that over two years ago and the weight of the world was lifted. What a freeing feeling the day I finally gave up and gave in accepting HP didn't need my help. I look back now knowing I did the best possible thing I could have gone for me and my alcoholic.

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat remember his disease is his own. It isn't any of our business. As we grow,using tools of Al Anon, that is what helps them

When one talks about recovery it can mean so many things. It's what one "does,"

It's the actions they take. If they are truly miserable, they know they need to get to a meeting. Even if they need to go barf in the bathroom!

If he is detoxing, shame on the doctor for sending him home, if that is true.In my experience they start calling rehabs, read the Big Book, work on it themselves.

Recovering is so much more than not using drugs, including alcohol.People may go on a "diet" but unless it is one focused on health, it won't work. A diet is so much more than not eating.

Glad you are here. I pray for you and yours. love,deb

katfshh · Senior Member

He is back in AA, trying to connect with new people and change up his program. All I can do is pray and wait. But, I am doing good. I have work to do on me, and honestly, I am tired of talking about him. He caused so much drama for the last few weeks, I am just burned out.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Katfshh,

Have you sat down in a quiet moment and asked yourself what do you need? I've heard a lot about "HIM," what about you?

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