The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Someone said this at an Alanon meeting recently. I tend to criticize others and find it hard to look at my part in all of this. I still react to the A (sober) who is in/out of my life. He gave me divorce papers a few weeks ago. I circled the errors and gave them back to him. He called irate because I circled the assets & debts saying they were not accurate. I think that he is lying about both of them. Although we haven't lived together for six years, we still share finances. It doesn't bother me when this will all end but how it will all end.
I was suppose to drive to town to pick up my elderly mother for Easter Sunday. My youngest son took the car and went in the opposite direction. I called my mother and told her I would have to find a solution to picking her up. She said that my AHsober (who wants a divorce) could pick her up and take her home. She said how do you feel about that? I told her that he doesn't treat me very well. I said that it was her decision. Family dynamics. She and my ex adore each other. My AHsober said he doesn't love me. I don't get along with my mother (never have but it is never too late). I still love my ex. They have always huddled together (30 years) and analyzed me - they have both said what wrong with you?
So what am I spotting that I have? The whole conversation made me cry. I don't even want to go - martyr, self pity. They have a right to their own lives.
Aloha Nancy...For me this is a teaching share, " It doesn't bother me when this will all end but how it will all end." The How includes my choices and my self care taking for which recovery is alot about. Allowing him to get angry and not reacting to it from guilt and confusion and shame was also big for me. You're not doing it wrong for him but right for you...how masterful is that?
LOL my family use to have those "what's wrong with you" questions and statements and it wasn't an invitation to share like with my sponsor. My family...most of them are normal with dysfunction and therefore the question "what's wrong with you". I don't do dysfunction to the best of my ability for anyone anymore. Like minded others hang with like minded others..."Let go and Let God" is a good slogan for this event cause HP's hands are soooo much bigger than ours.
Try adding the "maybe" in between "it," and "You've"...do a 10th and if you don't have "it" whatever "it" is...no problem.
I know how this feels and clinging to certain phrases (program-isms *wink*) really can help:
What others think of me, is none of my business.
QTIP (quit taking it personally), MYOB mind my own business, DETACH ~ dont ever think about changing him/her &/or dont even try and change him/her. C's: You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, and You can't CURE it!
What I focus on, grows and plants the seeds for tomorrow. Let it be positive and let it begin with me!
Focus on being okay (' "when this all ends" ') and accepting life in the moment. I was told that the how's and why's dont matter & only take me away from empowering myself now. Practise puttting you first and allow them the respect and dignity to suffer the consequences of their own choices.
NO matter how "right" I am, if I want peace, than being right goes out the window. I only have to be "right" for me, so it wont matter or change anything -if they buy what I think or not. Yes, they are entitled to their own life, feelings, attitudes and choices and so are we. I know as an acoa, it was hard to get my mom's critiques and voice/attitude out of my own head. As an adult, I am entitled to choose to think what I value. We all have our own perceptions and truths. You can only do what is healthy, loving and supportive for YOU. Let them be them and back out of it. If they want to stay sick and in denial and blaming you or everything else for their consequences and lives, let them. So be it. The truth is - when we sacrifice us for them, manipulate and play thier games to appease them, we are compromising ourselves. Dont be afraid to stand up for you, claim what you need and boundary out what does not allow you to get your own needs met. They cant do that for us, bc they dont do it for themselves. We can make a new choice for us, that supports us and is healthy and constructive.
So in response to the question you posed, "what am I spotting?" I would dare to say you are spotting the disease. Seperate it from you and forgive yourself. We only stay stuck and unable to move forward if we keep blaming them for our conditions. Pointing the finger allows me to be stuck and continue to validate my own pain and my own inner rejection/abandonment.
When they dont treat us very well, we can learn to treat us with more dignity instead. It is about how we feel inside - happiness and peace are inside jobs. We can choose to not believe them and to forgive us for our mistakes and learn from them, so we aren't doomed to repeat them over again. When I forgive me, I am freed from those chains that bind us in abuse and pain. When I stop compromising me, I get my own respect. When I focus on them, I lose me and feed the disease. When I focus on me, I empower my own changes, life and program.
I also accepted that when I give them advice or help or get involved (even though they often ask us for it) - its a dangerous hook loaded with bait that will trap me and try to keep me down and enabling them (bc we avoid us) by getting into the fight, the drama, the responsibility, so they can quickly be justified bc we got emotionally involved. That is the disease. I dont have to make it all better for them, that is for them to tend to and know their own needs. My business is my own needs, feeling and issues. I can only control and change me and when we stop meddling with them and get to work on us, wow! How delightful it is to appreciate your own hard work. Plus we dont have to resent them for not applying our stellar advice anymore lol. They ask for the truth and they ask for our help and then they get angry that we dont think they can do it for themselves ~ they can and so can we. You can only change and control YOU and when you accept that, you realize you do have a lot of personal power, you only may not know it yet bc we give it away. Think the best of you and love you with kindness and gentleness. Let them go to their own HP's and continue to surrender to the HP of your own understanding.
I recently had a terrible slip that lasted for the two months after I came home from visiting my mother for two weeks. I was in so much pain at her denial and choices and I slipped into thinking I was to blame for it. I had to forgive myself for not handling this or that as healthily as I would have liked, I felt betrayed and let down by myself, so I was pitying, ruminating and punishing myself for it. Dr phil would ask, "Hows that working for ya?!" and I would have to say, it doesnt or it does work extremely effectively bc it causes me tremendous pain and gets me right back into denial of my own self & severely limits my choices and thrusts me into the old patterns of this disease. If I want to change that, then I have to keep forgiving me and allowing me to make mistakes so I can keep growing and learning and loving. We are human beings, we are not "meant" to be perfect. Progress not percfection. And remember that when others attack us or pick on us, it is bc they feel/think that way about themselves.
In program, if I want something, I must practise it to maintain it. If I want love, I must love me first. If I want forgiveness, I must forgive me first. If I want understanding, compassion, respect ~ I must give it to me first. I keep it by practising it odaat & it grows. You are never alone and what we willingly surrender to HP, HP takes it from us. I had to pray for the how to and if you ask, HP will show you. I had to pray initially to be willing to surrender bc that did not go with my pattern of resistence. Learning to not take them personally, to love & focus on me and to allow instead of resist has changed my entire life. Fire yourself from being the one to fix & control the whole world, work on fixing you and you will become the change you want to see.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
wow, I'm feeling a reaction from your post, because it HURTS ME to feel excluded and "not part of." Its triggering my experiences from school, perhaps also from my mother. She's always taken the other persons side, I never got any support from her. At home, I was never good enough, I got the message that I was "bad. " And at school, I was always invited to the convent, LOL. No wonder I grew up so confused!
Anyway, Mother was recently worried about my ex-husband's feelings regarding the divorce (I had filed.) And so, over Christmas, she arranged to meet him to tell him she sincerely hopes there are no hard feelings between them. She asked me after the event, how I felt about that. And even though my mother and I aren't particularly close, I spoke my truth, I simply said, it hurts me. Of course, to keep the "fun" in dys-FUN-ctional .......... she got a resentment over my answer to her question!!! and I didn't hear from her for almost 2 weeks. LOL Seriously, I gotta laugh. If I didn't have a loving fellowship to support me now, who knows what I would have done. But those are the old days now, today, I accept the gift of a fellowship.
Anyway, Nance, have you done an inventory yet? Talked to your sponsor? I need my sponsor's perspective because I usually can't see my part, she is my fast track in recovery.
From where I sit, you seem to believe your husband is a liar. Not sure what you think of your mom...? You didn't seem to answer her question directly, did it hurt you? Are you being dishonest with anyone? or yourself? To thine own self be true.
It took a lot of program work for me to realize that I tend to choose men who are just like my parents.... who are NOT THERE for me.... I do it because that is what's familiar to me. And in my subconscious mind, I am desperate to get them to love me, to eventually get from them what I need, love and acceptance. But that has never worked. I am a Love Addict who chooses Love Avoidants for partners. What a moment of enlightenment that was, geez
Today my recovery includes ACOA meetings and also the CODA board on this site. I'm trying to work all the angles in recovery and I've had some real progress in the last 3 months. I am changing. I like Me. and I never did much before. I am finding, I don't need Mother's approval anymore. I don't need anyone's approval anymore.
Rambling, a bit here. But I still want to add... that if you don't want to go tomorrow... take care of yourself, WHATEVER that looks like. BE where you are, it won't always be like this, but hey..... today, it is. Some holidays, I just wanted to be alone and I went on a hike. My HP always meets me among the trees and near the water, I needed that much more than I needed to sit around a table of insanity. Back then, it only brought out the worst in me. Today, I'm a little stronger, I've done my "work" and I can do something different. Today, I can wrap myself in spiritual bubble wrap and be around my family, but... I still limit my time. My serenity is still my priority. I am not the go-along to get-along girl anymore... no interest in the convent today, LOL
Long post, simple message..... You are loved, sweetie. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think its called splitting. My mother was pretty adept at it. Everything was black and white.
I used to find the ex a's mother pretty exclusive. I felt she ignored me. I couldn't really see her as dysfunctional only me.
Accepting people as they are leaves huge holes for me. I long for recognition, belonging and more. I am only now able to pick up the cues of what's reality.
Reality evaded me most of my life because of my own issues of insecurity, pain, grief, anger and more.
I craved a mother most of my life. I didn't get one. I got someone who could barely take care of herself.
