I just dont understand!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

onlythelonely · Newbie

I just dont understand!!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Candance

Welcome to MIP and Alanon

You have just taken a giant step forward in dealing with the painful situations in your life . Thank you for having the courage to trust us with your heart.

You are not alone and I would like to suggest that you try to attend face to face alanon meetings in your community. You can do this by going to thi s web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

In alanon we learn to use different tools to deal with the past pain and future actions. We learn to let go of the past, Live one day at a time, Trust a Higher Power, and take care of ourselves.

You are worth the effort Please keep coming back

linbaba · Veteran Member

Welcome

One of the first thing we learn in recovery is we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we can help others, or even ourselves, since you mention "I have a bit of a drinking problem myself" have you considered getting Sober?

I found that while drinking nothing changed, and we say "if nothing changes, notthing changes" and what we are referring to is ourselves, if we don't change, neither do our lives, not while drinking because the tools (drinking) I was using worked...until it stopped working and it became "the problem" when it was never "the problem" in the first place, it was a tool to cope with a life just like yours because I didn't have any other tools, but it absolutely became the problem and then I had two messes to clean up, my drinking and all the wreckage that caused, then I looked around and was like....huh...why don't I feel better...I quit drinking...then I realized I had to address all those things that caused me to drink in the first place

When I got sober my life changed, and then I started addressing my alonic issues, family of origin issues, and codependent issues, because I learned different tools

come visit us over at the MIP AA site, we'd be happy to see you there

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board and Aloha only...You've come from a tough, tough place. Ugh when I start to remember my origins sometimes I'd just like to find another jungle where no one knows my name or where I came from. Born and raised inside of the disease of addiction isn't the best place to start however I have to accept it cause I can't change it. I can change how it runs with me and I run with it presently and get out of the insanity. I found out how to do that in the Face to Face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups (only by luck which is another way of me saying my HP's grace). The miracle came from inside the meetings and from following the program as suggested by elders and then by sponsors and then it became what I wanted for me. It takes time...one day at a time and you have to start at the beginning. Call the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and listen for meeting places and times and then go as quickly as you can. They will be loving you when you first open the door just as they did me.

Understanding comes over time from listening with an open mind to those who have been where you are at now and what they did to change it.

Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

DreamXL · Senior Member

Only Hi and thank you for your post. Welcome :) Sounds like your in need of a miracle and you have come to the right place. The answers to all your questions and a better way to live you will find. You have taken the first step, glad to have you with us.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I cant know the pain that you are in but I do know the betrayals, pain, tragedies and sheer hopelessness from growing up in this disease. You are no longer alone with this, many here can and will relate to you. I was so grateful I found this site and came back to alanon (this is my 2nd try at it, first time I much younger and not willing to surrender my ways). Alanon is all about YOU. Recovery is self discovery and its the greatest gift you will ever realize if you stick it out and do some emotional work.

I had suicidal ideations for 25 years and attempted three times over a 21 yr period. The last time (I was 39) and I could see what I was doing was actually going to work within a minute or two. That was my bottom, the one in which I decided to *change* my way of thinking and actually surrender my life to a power greater than myself. Before I merely existed in life, today I am coping and possibly on the verge of thriving! Living life on life's terms is a whole new experience.

I'm sorry for what you had to go through in the past. All of our pasts bring us here bc what we do on our own, doesnt work so well for our adult lives. Learn to focus on YOU and not anyone else. Allow yourself to listen to your own inner voice. I know I told my inner self that - "Iwasnt important" and "it didnt matter, i didnt matter" and none of that is true ~ it is the disease talking.

I also could not see how I contributed to the dynamic-family problem of this disease. YOU are not a door mat and the second you wrap your head arouond and that and choose to not be manipulated or manipulate-able anymore, that will help you to stop attending every fight you are invited to and to stand up for YOUrself with love (kindness and resepect) and to stop sacrificng you and attempting to rescue/fix others. We can only change and control ourselves. You deserve the best and better then you are getting. It is healthy and self preserving thoughts like that allow us to make changes and treat ourselves better. Stop blaming you for what happened, accept it and forgive yourself for any part you played in it. We cannot change the past and you dont have to continue owning the responsibility (shame, guilt, pain of what you experienced). Then you will be empowering yourself and on your road to recovery and serenity. Our secrets keep us shamed and in that victim's mind. Share and let it out with other alanons, we understand. It will be ok, so glad you found us and hope you give yourself a chance and work the miracle in your life. One person can change everything, let it begin and end with YOU! and you're worth it! I was the most negative person I knew, and I changed, so I know anyone can. There is a lot of hope and support waiting for you.

I also wanted to add: Kids are victims of their circumstances and develop "coping mechanisms" that allow us to navigate life with our emotionally unavailable & dysfunctional parents/caregivers/guardians the easiest way we could figure out. As an adult, you do have choices and that was big news to me. I was told that I could and needed to be the center of my own life, not all of them.

-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 23rd of April 2011 01:42:26 PM

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! If nothing else coming to Alanon will show you that you are not alone. Go to an Alanon meeting and try to find some of the literature. Members will share their experience, strength and hope. And there is alot of hope for all of us.

In support,
Nancy

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I echo everything that LinBaba stated. You are seeing the world through a set of crazy glasses. You have described being raised in an abusive alcohol dominated atmosphere, never learning another way of coping, never experiencing normal caring relationships, and you are engaged to someone who you admit doesn't treat you well. Yeah, if I were you I would head to AA because your life is not going to get better until you learn to take care of yourself and get some distance from 1. Alcohol and drugs, and 2. High drama, Dysfunctional People.

If you go to AA and work the steps and do what it suggested, it will get better, otherwise it wont and you will be telling this same story months or years later. I know this from my own experience.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, and welcome! You are in the right place.

If you haven't found f2f AA and Alanon meetings, it would be beneficial to do so. All groups are not the same - if you try one and don't feel like it's a good fit, try another.

There is no need to live in misery. There are many who have been where you are, and who have been able to find healing. You can, too.

Glad you're here - keep coming back!

Summer

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sad you have gone thru and are going thru such pain.

My life was very innocent. No abuse or anything. But the guy I fell in love with much later in life that I married, had a brain surgery. We were still in a honeymoon period.

Sadly he woke up a monster after surgery. Medical relapse. I had NEVER in my life seen abuse or been abused.

I am a tough cookie, but it still hurt me. The best thing besides Al Anon was a group for abused women.I learned how abuse was not becuz they were A. Taught me to not lose my own strengths, and more.There are many womens groups that are wonderful that could help any woman who has gone through what you have, you deserve to give yourself the gift to heal from it!

I won't say who but someone in my family was abused by a family member, and her fathers friend. It took her many years with counseling and taking classes for her to realize her own worth.

Am so glad you are here! love, debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.