stargal wrote:

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Hey everyone.  Just got the news that one of our friends....Well, I know her and didn't really have a problem with her. Well, she died tonight at quite a young age...early forties.  She was one of my A's party buddies.  I don't want to see anyone die.  How tragic. 

 I was listening to my A on the phone with various people, and I could tell who was calling by the way he answered the phone....He always speaks to his mother in the same tone of voice that he does to me.  And while he was speaking to others I heard compassion in his voice.  I felt myself getting jealoous.  How terrible is that?  He treats me like I barely exist.  Then I just starting crying and I cannot stop.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm praying and praying.  I feel so hurt.  How can he be so kind to others and so cold to me?  That seems so wrong.  I've never been bad to him.  I'm a good mother...I do the best I can.  He hasn't hugged me in months.  

I was just fine with the coldness until I heard him on the phone.  And why am I doing this NOW?  Poor girl just died and I'm being all selfish....UGH....

Okay...I'm going to pull myself together. 

 

 

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(((((hugs)))))

Been there, done that...been on both sides of that coin, my GF got jealous my best friend died on her birthday, and pitched a snit fit about it because I had the unmitigated gall to cry all night as I gave her the diamond earrings I saved for 2 months for hidden in the flowers hidden in the romantic bed and breakfast room upstairs in the cozy little restaurant I took her for dinner

took me a lonnnggg time to get over that, anyhoooow, the hallmark of the codie/Alcoholic relationship is the elephant in the room no one talks about, we try talking, and when that doesn't work, we get angry, and when that doesn't work, we go to covert warfare, passive aggressive punishments, manipulation, it's ON and no one talks about it because talking stopped working a LONG time ago, so we use the tools we have, the bad news is they are unhealthy harmful tools for everyone involved, and then we start keeping score, by the time I am keeping score on all the ways you hurt and harm me and wondering why you don't change my life is unmanageable and I am powerless, any power over that other person I might have is an illusion and they are slipping away as we get more hurt and angry, because "hurt people hurt people"

What worked for me

I love you

I miss you

and the alcoholic/codependent mating call

I don't know how to do this, will you help me?

maybe saying something like:

I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry we aren't closer, I know I have played a role in this, and I would like to try to make this work, I would like to go to couples counseling, and I think I am going to start attending Alanon or Coda to work on myself

and then I'd do it, which I did, for the first few years all I did was tell my GF she needed to work on herself, I'd blame, fingerpoint, blah blah, this made her angry and she pulled away, I said a-HA, I was RIGHT!!! you are a LOVE AVOIDANT and I'd follow her around and point out all her character defects...

for some strange reason this strategy didn't seem to work very well...so she dumped me, I was bored so I was like...oh well...might as well go work the steps in some program or something, lalala

and I did and she got sober of all things, worked the steps, did a bunch of coda/relationship/anger management/general recovery stuff too, cause she was bored (and couldn't live without me)  I'm TEASING!!!

the point is, we got back together, I take my inventory, she takes hers, and mine JOKING!!! I tell her she is beautiful and I love her, she tells me she is beautiful and I'm lucky to have her TEASING TEASING and we generally have a good time, when I am having my period I tell her up front, Honey my moobs are going lunar, look out, I'm no rational" and she smiles and rolls her eyes and seems a little more forgiving as I have my melt down

there is a solution, it's just I found mine by looking in the mirror and putting down the magnifying glass,....that what was killing our raltionship, the relentless assault on each other to get the other person to change and be someone they weren't...which just made us both act like arseholes...turns out I kinda like her for who she is

warts and all

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement. It really helped. It scares me when I cry. In the past, I have gotten stuck in the sadness and that's an awful way to live. But I feel better today. Asking my A for anything that I need would be worse than wallowing in self pity for a few hours. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I don't want that, but I know its for the best. I tried to talk to him a few months ago about our issues, but he refused to have the conversation. He said he doesn't think about anything. I wish I could do that. I'm off to Chuckie Cheese with my son. Again, thank you all and have a great day...

I think many alcoholics have problems in relationships...The thing about "fearing closeness"....that is a MALE pattern in relationships not an alcoholic one. The most common marital dysfunction is the aloof husband and nagging overemotional wife. This pattern will go in circles because the more she nags, the more he pulls away and just wants to be left alone. In marital therapy, they try and teach the male to validate feelings and just spend a little more quality time together. Nagging is then greatly reduced and the male gets more of what he wants. This pattern is just greatly exacerbated when you throw alcoholism into the picture.

I have met alcoholics that were also very clingy, needy, and could not stay out of relationships. I myself (an alcoholic) am closer to that pattern.

Anyhow, Star....you wrote that you were "okay with the coldness." Can I just ask you WHY? Why are you settling for that? You only live once. You deserve warmth and love like anyone else.

Also, you stated the husband says he doesn't think about anything. This makes perfect sense because he turns all thoughts off with alcohol. When I was actively drinking, my thoughts and feelings were always so disturbing to me that I had to shut them down with alcohol the minute I had any free time. This made me not really available and not a whole person....

Lastly, I said in another post that common ploy for alcoholics in relationships is to take the other person hostage and try and make them believe they have no choice or that it is their fault (kind of like a domestic violence perpetrator though in a sneakier and more insideous way). Your husband treats you like dirt because he is not seeing you as a whole and free individual with choices to either be with him or stop tolerating his bullcrap and leave. You can draw some boundaries and ask to have your needs met. If that doesn't happen, you can choose to leave and get your needs met either alone or with someone else. No sense being with someone that treats you bad. People say they "do it for the kids" but in most cases that just teaches your children how to have dysfunctional relationships later in life.

Sorry for you pain. Remember when you are praying for love...God loves you already.

AA does address being compassionate. I could not disagree with that above statement more. SOOOOO much of AA is about no longer being selfish and starting to be more compassionate. A person should be able to learn compassion in AA. I see devastation and sadness of the disease of alcoholism in just about every meeting I go to where there is a newcomer or someone fresh off a relapse. I have learned plenty of compassion in AA. I would not be on this board if I hadn't.

I stated that I am okay with the coldness because I know the relationship is over. I don't want to spend my life chasing someone that doesn't love me. I will leave when I am able to. There are some moments that it hurts.