WOW that comment you made about an alcoholic's emotional maturity being stunted at the age they started drinking makes total sense to me.

What's that saying about expectations are just future disappointments? I learned not to expect anything from my exabf. But just like the OP, I decided I deserved better than what an alcoholic is limited to provide.

Sweet Stanley wrote:

---

Yep... sounds like an alcoholic.  They don't seem capable of being there for us when we need them.  That isn't how they operate.  I have heard that an alcoholics emotional and maturity growth ends when they start drinking and even after they stop, it takes time to "catch up."  I have seen this with my AH. He has been sober (except for one slip) for 13 months now.  I have seen tremendous growth in him, as far as maturity and taking responsibility.  But it all takes time.  My AH works his program diligently and faithfully.  I don't know what it would be like if he wasn't. I have a feeling that he wouldn't be sober today. The choices that you make, need to be yours. Nobody can tell you what to do.  I'm sorry for your heartache and empathize with you.  Believe me, I have been there too.  I guess I learned not to count on him and now, I am becoming pleasantly surprised that he CAN be supportive to/for me.  Work your program.  It works and will show you the answers that you seek.  Peace to you.

---

 

 

Right now, what is happening is you are coming out of denial.  It hurts so much bc it is so far from what would rather choose to believe/see about others, ourselves and the world.  The great news is, if you can walk through this - take it as a learning experience and know to the depths of your being -- an A is in denial of their own emotions -- it has nothing to do with you and I know how far out and even "cold" this sounds initially.  Please please do not take it personally, the A rejects themselves, so they no, they cannot face your feelings and understand them, they cannot even face and accept thier own.  They blame others for what they do.  We do, we tend to reject us for them and we dont stand up for our own truths (issues, emotions, attitude) and own them.  We say, it is your fault bc I care so much about you.  Love is not about how they treat us, it is about how we treat ourselves and what we are willing to tolerate or not.  some things are simply unacceptable and you must define your needs and limits, so you know what you wont deal with.  This way, when soemthing does trip a boundary of ours, we can move away and take care of us.  The A abandons themselves, so no they cannot validate you for you and we cannot love them to health either. 

We all must fix and rescue ourselves.  When I prioritized my own well being and set boundaries for myself - I learned how to detach with love from them, not take it personally and allow me to be the center of my own life.  Practise focusing on you and learn to allow yourself to be the priority.  I too saw that the A's were not caring about my own pain, they are in denial.  I am the only one that can change anything - just like if they desire to change, they can do it too - but its each person's individual decision to make or not.  We cant force them. 

Accept people when they show you who they are.  Listen with your eyes and do learn to watch behavior -- the words are meaningless empty but pretty lies.  Cling tightly to your own words, your awareness is accurate.  Hold

I am nurturing and loving to a fault sometimes, often turning a deaf ear or blind eye to the discrepancies and lack of congruency between a persons words and actions.

I feel completely disrespected and DO NOT believe his words and professions of "love" anymore.

This man has caused me much pain. While I believed that he loved me and we have been talking about moving in together, he suddenly pulled this! What an eye opener!! My HP'r is opening my eyes (THANK GOD!!!).

 Hold onto your last two paragraphs you wrote here as well, save them for yourself somewhere and use it like a mantra, so it can give you strength when you feel down on yourself.  As you take accountability and do what allows you to feel better about yourself emotionally, by establishing boundaries and weeding out the people that are not accepting of you and willing to respect you enough to accept your boundaries.  The thing is - we have to stand up and take actions that give us the feeling/experience of self resepct and love and honor yourself by taking care of you emotionally.  You do matter and you are always entitled to your feelings.  We cant get blood from a stone.  If you identify someone as being emotionally unavailable, ask yourself why you are willing to tolerate that treatment?  We get something out of rejecting ourselves too, it allows us to remain stuck in victim mode and say, yes see I deserve this bc it keeps happening.  No, we must stand up to our own selves and say, 'self I deserve better and I wont keep you involved in relationships in which you are not supported, accepted and respected.  As you develop your own self resepct and self esteem - we become magnetic and our confidence exudes and people are very drawn to that and kindness.  Learn to be kind and gentle to yourself and that you deserve to not allow others to treat you any other way. 

Forgiveness is the most powerful tool I have found (with a close second being acceptance) to completely transform and heal us. Risk loving you enough to allow yourself to forgive you and to forgive (release) others so that you dont have to be chained to them in abuse, pain, the past - anymore.  You can be free now and love you like our HP's do -- like we are innocent, pure, helpless tiny infants with unconditional divine love and infinite compassionate forgiveness.   Choose to love you with acceptance, love, respect and honor the HP in your life.  All we have to do, is risk loving us and prioritizing us first.  I know it is confusing and seems "selfish" to put us first but it is not.  It is about self preservation.  I promise you wont "turn" into a person that is inconsiderate, if you were thoughtful already - you will merely learn how to protect yourself. Allow others that are not emotionally available to being loving and kind - to be themselves, they can have their feelings. 

I have learned so much more and been able to have more love in general, since I prioritized me and stopped compromising my feelings.  If they dont care, then they dont need to be in your life - them not caring is their problem, they dont love themselves.  Love yourself enough to identify the disease and seperate the person.  They are very sick and we are getting healthier each time we take an action that allows us to feel our own self respect.  Continue to forgive yourself for taking their blame and allow them to suffer the consequences of their own choices.  Life is not personal, thats all it is - it is us suffering the consequences of our own actions.  When we make choices that nurture us and flower our esteem and respect, we begin to over flow with that and it ripples out to others.  If they cannot accept it, you can choose your own well being over them.  Once we stop compromising ourselves, our programs really begin to pay us back.  Stay tight to your boundaries, they are for us, protect us.  the guidelines are below.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

 

1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
2. CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
3. SET THEM CLEARLY.
4. COMMUNICATE THEM THEM  CLEARLY.
5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you.  Not to control someone else.  No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

 

The boundaries are for YOU.  In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance.  When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

 

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents:   I made  my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there.  Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left.  After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me bc I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest.  Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.  If you dont stand up for YOU, who will?  If not now, when?  You can change right now.  Life is consecutive moments of right now.  Make it something you can feel good about owning.  We owe us our own respect and only we can deliver it.

 

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem

TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why

EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.

ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.

REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.

 

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Kitty, when I read your post it made me cry. I will definitely try to keep what I wrote here and practice it as my daily mantra!!! Pinkchip, I respectfully disagree with you when you say that maybe my abf wasn't living up to what I thought he should be. I believe that I have to be responsible about who and what I allow into my life. I also
believe that it is my right and responsibility not to accept unacceptable behavior. I have friends that call me when they know I am not well and one of my children isn't well. This friendships are tried and true (or as I often refer to as Godsends). My abf seems to like the nurturing loving and consistent caring I provide him and yet doesn't think that he needs to give the same in return. I think if he were my husband, I would hope that my children (who are the most important people in my life) would be treated as and respected as such by him. The fact that he didn't call to even inquire about my child's well being and health (showing a complete lack of interest or care)- were reason enough for me to decide that this person isn't even worthy of the title of friendship in my life. I couldn't ever think about a possible future with someone who is so incapable of being a true partner in the sense that he inferred that he was ONLY in words. His actions proved to be quite otherwise. I am not judging him or taking his inventory...but discerning the lack of congruency between his words and actions...In other words...His actions spoke volumes louder than his words. It is not up to me to bitch, whine, lecture or guilt trip him over his behavior, but I will certainly not be giving him the opportunity to mistreat me again.

When I was quite young, my mother once told me, that believe it or not, there were people in this world that were without conscience. I had no concept of what she meant back then. Today I understand that there absence of God is the absence of conscience. This is not a safe place for me and today I choose to stick with people who have a right relationship with God and are practicing rigorous honesty. This is my personal choice and these are the standards that I set for myself. They don't need to be right for anyone else but me.

pinkchip, alanon is all about us and learning what we need to be healthy, how to prioritize loving ourselves and learning how to stop codependently enabling others by justifying, arguing, defending &/or explaining their behavior.  It has nothing to do with others, it has to do with us defining what we need and what we will no longer tolerate ~ for ourselves.  I think you are missing the issue.  kcb and defining it for yourself.