The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just thought I'd run this by the group, particularly for those who've actually taken on the role of Sponsor for others (and subsequently my own Sponsor when she returns a message I just left her.)
I've been sponsoring someone since the beginning of the year. This has been such a fantastic learning and growth opportunity for me. I'm enjoying getting to know her and learning that everything's a shared experience. The more I open up to her about my story, the more she opens up to me about hers, etc.
One thing she mentioned to me the other week kind of threw me off a bit. It was something I kind of expected I would hear due to the nature of why we're conversing with each other so much, but it still brought up questions in my head.
She mentioned to me that her husband doesn't like me. Okay, actually the words were "He says he hates you."
Now, I'm sure this is a typical reaction of some spouses of Al-Anon members... I'm sure some Al-Anon members might even hate their A's sponsor if they're in AA. So it's something I'm of course willing to accept because I understand it's all part of the dynamics of the disease. I really don't take it personal because I understand it's just the disease saying things to try and manipulate the situation where the A is really trying to get this sponsee of mine to stop going to Al-Anon, etc. because his disease is feeling threatened.
My exAH never said anything like that to me about my sponsor. I'm grateful that for some reason, some logical part of his mind knew that the reasons I was changing was all about me and me alone and that no one else was responsible.
What I have, though, are those future-forecasting, spectacular-imagination-of-mine fears that crop up. "Hmm... how much does this guy I don't even know hate me? Enough that he'd call me and yell at me or threaten me? What if my sponsee ended up leaving the guy - would his illogical disease decide to hold me responsible to a scary degree?"
So, I'm just curious and looking for some ESH from Sponsors who've maybe actually encountered the angry loved ones of their sponsees. Thanks!
Oh yeah been there a couple of times , and of course he dosent like you , you are helping his wife and he knows she is sharring things with you he would rather no one know . Ignore it obviously your doing a good job . hehe Louise
Yeppers, and another grand example of why the common practice for sponsorship is same sex - imagine the dynamics if you were a man, giving that same shoulder to his wife.... Bottom line, he probably more "fears" you, than truly hates you - but he is likely fearful of his wife having a confidant.... of her having someone she can open up to..... of her getting better..... etc...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha...I read this part, " I really don't take it personal because I understand it's just the disease saying things to try and manipulate the situation where the A is really trying to get this sponsee of mine to stop going to Al-Anon, etc. because his disease is feeling threatened." and related because like Abbyal that has happen a couple of times like this with me also. The sponsor becomes a wedge inside of this cunning, powerful and baffling disease and it starts to loose control.
I've been threatened a couple of time and then all it turned out to be was the fear getting voice and loud. The sponsee changed and that is what the relationship is about. My alcoholic complained that all I was doing in meetings was talking about her and when I responded that no one knew her name or what she looked like she stopped fearing and continued drinking.
It's about fear...not hers, not yours, the alcoholic's and that might help him look for solutions. It's happened before that I know.
Good job...keep fertilizing her growth. (((((hugs)))))
Yes, the loved ones who have this disease usually don't like their spouses working with a sponsor. My experience as being a sponsor and having a sponsor-sponsee relationship helps to take the focus off the alcoholic and back on to the sponsee. The sponsee is getting well and the AH is left with their disease.
I remember my husband telling me as I was working with my sponsor and getting a little of recovery on board:
"I just dont like the fact that you don't seem to be concerned where I am, when I will be coming home, whom I am with...etc."
That is because I was o.k. if he was with me drinking or not, and o.k. if he was without me or not. I found a peace that surpasses all understanding.
