As many of you have been here know the ex A (who I was with for more than 7 years) crashed the truck I had bought and eventually through a number of carefully crafted actions  got all the money from the insurance company (he knew people who worked for a towing company).  Its a long involved story and the ex A certainly absolutely  felt entitled to all of it. And that's the key he always felt entitled to drink, use drugs, steal, lie and manipulate.  He didn't feel any remorse about his actions at all.  In fact he was incredulous when other peopel suggested his actions were immoral.   He couldnt' conceive of anyone else but himself, his drugs and his needs that is his needs were all there was and are.  That indeed was the bottom line throughout our entire relationship, his drugs, his needs, him.  I was always on the periphery and I was asolutely disposable as were our dogs (who he claimed to love and adore profoundly).

At the same time as he was "dealing" with the insurance company he decided he couldn't take the dogs anymore and I had to take them in an emergency.  During that time he left the beagle (lucky) in the woods for 3 days without food and water and tied to a tree.  Needless to say she has had serious food issues since then.  I don't regret for one minute taking them in even though I can barely take care of myself. 

I have had no contact with the ex A for a few years (I needed that to gain some clarity)   I'm finally at a point where I can say that money (the truck which I paid for in entirity) is gone, I'll never get it back and that part of my life is over.  I did a lot of legal things to try to get the money out of him.  He slipped through all of them.   Then when there was a lull he'd call me day and night so much so that at one point I had to shut my phone off.  There were repercussions to all that the amount of time, money and energy involved in the legal issues and then the phone calls whch were onslaughts.   While he coudnt' take care of his basic needs he evaded the court system very strategically and when it did catch up with him he simply shrugged it off.   There were merely a blip on his radar.  He never hit bottom even when his health crashed he didn't consider for one second stopping what he was doing.  Everyone else was the problem he wasn't.

What I have been doing lately is looking at how my own really dysfunctional attitude towards money, reponsibiltiy and loyalty got me to that point.  I can understand all the reasons and how easily I got sucked into the morass of mess he was in with crashing cars all over the place, courts, bills, and more.  I can also understand that much of the reason I stayed with him was out of fear and not having confidence in myself that I could extricate myself without losing.  In the end I did lose all the money the truck cost me (it was new and I had just finished the payments). 

However life is not all one long loss.   What I gained thorugh al anon was a great deal of knowledge about myself, about alcoholism and about my own part in merging into the oblivion that alcoholism creates.  If I meet an alcoholic now I know where that road goes and I'm no longer willing to travel it again.   I'm also aware that I have my own very very serious issues which need work and prayer and devotion.  The love, care,undestanding I once gave to the ex A now goes to myself.  I deserve it and I didn't have that focus before.

This past year I've been working two jobs 7 days a week and not getting that far ahead on paying bills and taking care of myself.  I don't know that I was ever willing before to take full reponsibiltiy for myself, I was too busy taking care of everyone but me.   I think I may be now.  I can't say its exactly enthralling, wonderful and stimulating.  Most days I feel bogged down in trying to scrape by.

Every day I drop balls.  Today I have to do a bunch of stuff in regards to a job hunt.  I also have to chase up a prescirption which means gong down in person to the hospital to try to find out what happened to it.  Which do I choose?  My health or my finances?  Tough call.  Luckily for me I can juggle but the balls do drop daily and I just keep picking them back up.

I wanted the ex A to metamorph into someone responsible, caring, loving and diligent.  He was never that person but i kept holding onto he might get there.  He was always an addcit.  he was always irresponsible.  he was always crashing cars.  I did not want to see that.  I took it all personally. He was doing it all to me.  Really he was always doing it all to himself.  I just volunteered to be the victim again.

The choices I have had to make in leaving him were hard.  Letting go of my possessions because I coudln't keep them. Not having money to move.  Helping him again when he put our dogs lives in danger. Feeling sorry for him, beng the protector the rescuer the one he needed.  He could alternate between needing me and discarding me and that was really a "bonding" exercise.  That was the dysfunctional love I knew as a child, needed, abused and discarded.... One minute he needed me the next he hated me.   Trying to get my truck from him was impossile.  I don't believe he destroyed it on purpose but before he crashed the truck he'd pretty much destroyed every other vehicle he'd ever had.  And he loved driving, he loved the whole bit about being behind the wheel and at the same time he destroyed every car he ever had..... 

None of them were easy straight forward decisions.  I made compromises.  I was confused, angry, fed up and plain exhausted.  I'm glad I'm not confused anymore.  I'm glad I don't have to pick up the phone and hear his latest catastrophe and be told I have to fix it one more time!  I'm no loner willing to fix anyone but myself.

Today I still have choices.  I don't like any of them.  Responsibiltiy doesn't come easily to me.   Irresponsible people hang with other irresponsible people.  I never wanted to fit in to the mainstream.  I never felt part of until I was with an alcoholic who needed me day and night.   Then I was someone because I was wiling to deal with his catastrophes and not deal with my own issues.

Now I am digging up the murky issues of looking at my attitude to money.  I've always spent more than I have.  I have always wanted someone to help me.  Today my responsibility does include the dogs and a cat.  I know I have their interest at heart.  They don't want for food anymore.  They don't get left tied to a tree anymore.

Today I try to choose better but I'm not sure what that is sometimes.  I just am willing these days and I don't know that I was before.

maresie.