Here we go again - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

Here we go again

kps64 · Newbie

don't you hate when you are in recovery, and things still seem to be horrible!! I have to ask myself in times like that is, what am I doing for myself. i get soo hard on myself. expectations are a bite! but i must realize when i put expectations on others, i have to accept any outcome. or it will cause more disappointment, in which i beat myself up.

addicts do what they do. they drink (or use). we can't do anything about it. i can only control my behavior and in turn, my reactions. when i take care of myself, i don't have time to worry about what others are doing.

detach detach detach!!! how i hate that word..but it feels sooo good when i do.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kat...SoCal has much very solid Al-Anon recovery. Some of my early fellow members are down there supporting the program. I sense you know that you are not alone and don't get a sense that Al-Anon is apart of your support system. You are right at the door of solid positive change and you gotta get into the face to face rooms of the Family Groups. Alateen is strong down there also so there is support for your daughter too. In fact SoCal is where Alateen first started.

Here we go again doesn't mean that it has to be the same as the last time if you learn new tools for change. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This post should really be about you; however there are some suggestions I know that people make in AA for the alcoholic during their 1st year. No major changes is critical and that would enclude not getting engaged, not getting married, not starting a business, not taking major trips even... It would seem if he could accumulate 8 months of sobriety, he does have the basic tools to get back on track again and has a much better shot than someone who has never been in recovery. He knows it works because it was working before. Ideally, he will get off the shame/pity pot and just get back into recovery.

It does seem that he is very childlike from what you wrote in your post. Perhaps it's just when drinking but the way you stated how you totally took charge, packed his bags, and sent him off suggests you are the one who is dominant in this relationship. I am not judging or saying this is bad. I am saying it's not unusual for a newly recovering person to be very wishy washy and full of fear. Clinging to you as his main support makes you his higher power and then when things don't go right with you, he drinks. You don't want to be in that position.

It may sound rough to hear this, but to be sober he has to want it even more than being married, more than the business...more than anything. Sobriety has to come first because all other things can come and go. If his program was not set up this way, then he was destined to relapse.

For you, don't be ashamed of falling in love with someone. You are just doing the best you can in life like all of us. If you decide to progress in this relationship, just know it is going to be a challenge no matter what... His being sober is going to be continent upon working a steady program over the long haul. It is also going to be contingent upon being able to cope with some disturbing self-realizations, accepting them, and then changing. Supposing he does build a good recovery this time, he might not be the same person you got involved after working the steps more.

In any case, just keep focusing on other areas of your life and make them as good as possible to counterbalance the disturbing turn of your romantic life at the moment. If you are spiritual, try and pray and the answers will come to you. Remember, not to try and be the fiance's mom or to force a situation to occur. It's his alcoholism...He has to make all the choices about recovery and be totally willing.

katfshh · Senior Member

Hi,
Thanks guys. I have been going to face to face Al-Anon meetings. I go whenever possible. It is helping. My AF, has had many years of being sober, but he relapses often between 6 months and 2 years. I hope I did the right thing by asking him to leave. His kids are really worried about him, since he has not made contact with them at all since he left on Tuesday. I feel alittle guilty that they are worrying. But, I know I am doing the right thing. He would have just stayed here drinking and asking everyone what he should do. Now when he is sober, and for the las 8 months, he was putting AA first. He changed his sponser, was going to meetings every day, sometimes 2. But, something happened in the last few weeks. Not sure what. His ex wife told me, that she knows he has to be very plugged in to AA for it to work for him. I think if he does come back and chooses to be sober, I need to continue with Al-Anon, as much as he needs to continue with AA. We both need to do it for ourselves. I am sure I have done a lot of things wrong. I know that I should have realized he wasnt done drinking last week when he came home. I have to figure out how to be, react, and what my bounderies are asap. I am pretty sure he will surface soon. He isn't the kind of guy that will live on the streets, no matter what. He has a head full of AA, and he knows what to do. Right now it's a matter of time, and of money running out. OK, so here is where I need to figure out what I do. I need to have strong bounderies. His sister who is in recovery told me that I did the right thing asking him to leave. She also said, that when he calls asking me to help to get to detox, I should tell him, he needs to get himself there. Does that sound right? I thought when they were going to do the right thing that is when you do help. I am so confused.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A who I was with for more than 7 years took off often. His withdrawal was a key part of his strategy to manipulate me into taking him back wihout boundaries. There coudl not be a boundary around his using. He demanded it. I had really strong abandonment issues. I generally caved in.

Detachment was such a hard thing for me to practice. I had to work so hard on letting go and becoming aware where I ended and he began.

Setting limits with an alcoholic is like dealing with a singing jelly fish. At some point you get stung. This is not a person who welcomes them. This is not someone who wants to be responsible and look at their life.

I grew up in alcoholism. My two sisters are alcoholics. I craved for years that they would get recovery. They have not. If I bring up anything remotely honest about our life as a family they attack. That is part of the process. I always took the attacks very very personally.

Now I'm not open to them. Wanting my family to get recovery and coming to acceptance they haven't has been one of the hardest things in my life. I grieved over that a great deal.

My family live by the point and stick method. They point at others as being dysfucntional. I've had to learn not to be a target. Its been hard. I have always gone to the wrong source for support, care and guidance. With al anon I learn how to get back up and dust msyelf off. I also learn how to take small risks ratther than huge risks in relationships. I wait, I watch, I learn. i make decisions with me in the forefront.

Whatever your boyfriend/fiance does you can thrive. You can recover. Your whole life does not have to revolve around hsi sobriety.

I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober (its offered at the top of this page). I know the author helped me a great deal. I'm glad you are here. Use this board, use the meetings, use this room to help you.

Maresie.

katfshh · Senior Member

I have the book sitting right here. I have so many things highlighted in it. It is what helped me on Tuesday tell him to go. We had been focused on his drinking for almost three weeks! It was getting old and he wasn't going to stop. So, between that book and the meetings I attended and a lot of praying, I asked him to go. That book, my bible, the meetings, are all keeping me strong right now.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

From what I remember from my time in alanon before, you can help him go to detox, if you want to. If you don't want to, and/or you will get resentful if he doesn't stay or get better after, it may be better for you to not take him. If you decide to take him, don't hold it over his head, just take him and detach...let go. Thats from what I remember... :)

katfshh · Senior Member

Just an update. I got a call from the ER last night. My AF was there. He wanted to detox. They gave him Librium (spelling?) and a prescription for it, and he came home. So now what? I think from what he said he will get back into his recovery. I guess the next day or so will prove that. FYI, he looked like shit, was very homesick, and remorseful. I'm glad I made him leave. I think it truly was the tough love thing to do. I am, without a doubt, going to continue with my recovery as well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.