The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Next week will be 4 years since I physically moved out from the now ex A. For more than a year after I moved out I had contact with him and had the same chaos/crisis/space that was pretty much part of our entire relationship.
4 years on my lfe is very very hard. The financial inpact of living with an end stage alcholic/addict was devastating. I lost my home, my vehciles, my credit and my whole sense of well being. What's more I did severe damage to my health. I had chronci health issues that were severely neglected. I was incredibly depressed, isolated and felt rage, fear and also felt absolutely 100% responsible for the addict.
The biggest change for me has been in giving up my responsibility for him, his well being, his problems, his addiction. I no longer even consider that on any basis.
I have one of the things I thought I could put together with him, a home, a sense of well being, my health has improved but I coud still go a long way on that front.
Giving up feeling absolutely responsible for the A's drinking, drug use, financial chaos, his relationships (which were all enmeshed and chaotic) left a huge hole in my life.
I have had time to do some reflection. I have also had time to slip and slide and be triggered in all my issues.
Currently I have to spend a lot of time looking for work and trying to work through a lot of financial problems as well as try to fashion some kind of a plan for myself.
When I left the ex A i was really dependent on this group and this board for feedback ad for trying to extract myself from all that responsibility. I would still be there without it.
I can paint a very bleak picture of how hard I have to struggle and how I feel so many of my goals were so far off. I had no idea that one of the core goals was to detach and indeed detaching can still be very hard for me.
Leaving was very difficult for me because I felt I was only in a lose lose paradigm. Now I do see that I did gain some things by leaving. I gained a space to process and I gained the ability to work on me rather than try to save someone drowing in their addiction.
I don't expect my life to turn around any time soon. I expect I will be struggling for a while but its a very different struggle from that of 4 years ago and today for once I can be grateful for that.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you have been through and what you are still going through. It is very helpful for me to read. I admire your tenacity. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for your insights and for your courage. Life on Life's terms is not easy but with this program and HP it sounds as if you have been able to face it One Day at a Time with courage and wisdom.
Congrats on 4 years!!!It is all a process and I appreciate your sharing the journey
I think us acoa's who grow up with emotionally unavailable people have an extra hard time healing from it bc it is all we have known. When we feel the icy unavailability, we go running towards it and do our lil dance until we get the attention we desperately need. I made a direct corollation between my boundaries and my residual emotional feeling - as being my own and seperate from what the other person is feeling. I learned that it was okay and I could be emotionally autonomous from them and still love and support them. That love does not require me to feel it for them and save them. I can still sometimes fall into feeling that if i did not take this action, it would have produced a different outcome for them and - those are the times that I forgive myself for not living my own life and trying to control someone else. What others think and feel is none of my business and if they choose to share it, I know it is not my fault/responsibility. We cannot change anyone but us and being overly responsible only feeds the disease. Forgive yourself for what you think you did in the past and look on your soul with gentleness and kindness, HP has already forgiven us ten fold, allow yourself to expereince that and surrender the past and your judgements and learn what you can and change what you dont value about yourself anymore. Forgiveness is the most transformative & powerful tool available to us ~ nothing is stopping you from stepping into loving self acceptance, embrace where you are, all of your faults and all. HP loves us and we are "imperfectly perfect" as we are right now, we hold the veil and that key. We dont have to suffer, it is not a requirement to living. Surrender the fear and the pain and it will alleviate, keep surrendering it until it is released and do it daily. It will get so much better and you are worth the work and worth loving.
The DETACH acronym helps me to remember to -dont even think about changing him or her, it reminds me to focus on feeeling my own feelings and issues and to live in the moment bc reality is the present moment not five minutes from now. Surrender your fears and practise faith and stay busy doing what you can do for you and reaching out and networking. I too will be looking for work soon and I am scared of the state of things but I know even if the fear is logical and reasonable bc of the hard "times" right now -- but what you focus on grows, so practise letting go and surrendering and forgiving you and doing the best in the moment with what you have now. When i do that, I get some far out ideas about what I could possibly do, so who knows what could happen or what opportunities may come to me and you.
If I act in fear and not faith, I know I wont be aligned with the HP and I know that my ideas got me into alanon, very frustrated/suicidal and fear will only take me back there fast. Focus on your needs and they will get met. It is okay to relieve your burden, dont carry all of it alone, HP is there for you whenever you reach out. Take extra special care of you and be kind and gentle.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your awareness, strength, courage, acceptance and willingness, show me this programme works if we work it. Thanks for sharing the positive changes in your life. Sure, its not perfect but hey it beats the pants of the chaos youve left behind. Progress.....not perfection.
Detachment is a powerful tool in our recovery, it certainly works if you work it.
