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Hi there....haven't been here in a while but have been reading some. I've worked really hard on myself and getting away from the 3 years of hell from my ex-abf (now been apart for almost 2years). I am totally off all anxienty / depression meds thanks to Al-Anon and my exercise program!! However, I have a question please that I need some input on. I have meet a wonderful man. Yes, I said it - a wonderful man! Non-drinker. He is one I do trust, he comes from a good solid family and actually has values and shows actions along with words and I know he loves me dearly. However, my issues from the past abf (cheating, flirting big time, lying, etc - all about other women) have made me doubt that anyone can truly love me and me alone or that I am good enough to stay with. This is the tricky part for me I guess. I know my new bf loves me and only me, he has proven this through actions, however, he is very social and is a "funny guy" and is with all people - including women.- Seems I noticed that part the most. When we first met, he used make comments about women that I did not need to hear and I told him I am not his buddy so please keep comments to himself, which he has done and he has said he has learned from me about being back in a relationship and it has brought him back to the place and how he was raised to me and he said he has alot of respect for me for saying my boundries so to speak. He always listens to me and what I have to say. He's just that very social person ya know - like the class clown - and I still see his "social talk" with women, as flirting I guess. Nothing ever sexual, just like he needs that funny laugh back from women mostly to make him feel good - he says no but that just him being social. I have told him that his "flirting" or as he calls it bantering bothers me, and he says he doesn't know what else he can do to show me he loves me....that he is a social person and he can't change that part of him. I know in my head it is normal and healthy to talk and socialize with other people. How do I get past the fear and just enjoy the great man I am with - I'm scared my past problems have left me so damaged that I will really lose something good. sorry for the babble
Dear mslouise, first of all, I just want to say that it is such a good and wise thing for you to have been working so hard on yourself.
A question---How long have you been with this current boyfriend?
Another question-----How funny and social is he around his male friends/acquaintences?
If there is an imbalance between the two (for me) that would be a red flag for further consideration. I have known some people that are as social and funny as professional comedians. HOWEVER, those that I have known are funny across the board--with everyone. It is like a part of their personality that they dont't seem to turn off and on at will. I am giving you my take on it. I am sure that others will chime in on this for you also.
Thank you Otie.... in answers to your questions: we have been together for six months. Yes he is funny around his male friends as well, but somehow, I analze the women talks more - I see it as a different kind of joke or tone if that makes sense. I'm wondering if just am over analizing everything I see because it's a "woman". He has brought me around his brother's family - that's all the family he has left and no-one else since his divorce has been introduced - so that should make me feel good, and it does - they are great people. He spends all his free time with me and my son. He has a 19 year old daughter that lives out of state that he just introduced to me as well. Also, with his work he eats out a lot and him and his co-workers have become somewhat friends with the waitresses etc theyt are around their 20years (he is 46). He says he does not see his funniness or anything he says with women as flirty because he is not looking for that - he knows who he is, and what kind of integrity he has. He thinks they see him as more like a grandpa or dad to cut up with. He says he just is not looking at it that way, because he isn't looking for anything like that. Like I said, nothing sexual has ever been said or given me that impression that I am aware of. Before I came along, he did have a past co-worker women that he talked too as a friend, and once I came along, she started creating some trouble, so he told her no more contact. So I do trust that he is not "looking" for anything and does respect me and loves me. Why can't I just see him as who he is, and why is it so hard to believe that I could be really loved and appreicated and actually have someone be totally satisified with just me...he says I am the most beautiful thing he could ever imagine dating, loves that I'm outgoing, camping, etc..........why can't I just be happy and not worry...
-- Edited by mslouise on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 02:40:39 PM
there comes a time when you just have to take a leap of faith and enjoy , your insecurities are your problem him changing won't cure that , and besides his humor is one of the things you fell for when you met . Actions do speak louder than words . Keep going to your meetings take care of you and regardless of what he does YOU will be okay . Dont let your old fears stop you from enjoying this person who sounds like a gift . Louise
HI msLouise - you sound like you are describing me in some ways. I believe my H was attracted to my bubbly happy-go-lucky nature, I enjoy a good banter/exchange with people - bs-ing I call it, flirting he calls it - so I censor myself, stop talking to most people, except those approved by him, find myself sitting at the table alone while he hobnobs on his way back from the bathroom or bar, i seem to always face the scene where he accuses me of looking too long in some direction or too often, or purposely accidentally bumping into some guy while we are both going to the bathrooms. and God forbid if someone should dare to come to our table to talk to me, with or without him present makes no difference - either way I'm damned, the fight will happen eventually. (well, used to, since we no longer live together) For the last three years I have slowly dampened any of my natural spirit for fear of him taking it wrong (and he still always found something to take wrong). 6+ months apart and my nature is re-asserting itself, i am back to being able now to bs with the best of them and my thought upon reading your post is how damaging it was to me to have to work so hard to not "be myself". It is not his fault that he is good with people and you certainly don't want him afraid to be himself because that's who you love. If you can talk openly with him about it, do so, devise a system where you feel welcome to give him a sign you need some reassurance time, maybe a drift off together to a quiet corner for a long hug, few kisses, etc. If there is a certain woman that really threatens your self-esteem, tell him. He sounds like a grown-up that can handle it. Good luck!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I so appreciate your point of view likemyheart!!! Because that is exactly what I do not want to happen!!! I want him to be able to be himself with no walking on eggshells for either of us!!! We do have great communication and last night we both agreed that we each have to meet in the middle. He knows that he can be social and be himself, but he also said he knows and has corrected and noticed alot of things he can change or be aware of since he is in a relationship now vs being single. With me, I told him I too have to meet in the middle. I have to let go of the fear of always not being good enough for someone, and enjoy and enbrace what I have found. I told him there is nothing more that I would want, then to be able to go to a social setting and not have to worry about anything bad happening (cause really, I don't know anything other way). It's a re-learning of sorts. That trust. I thank everybody for their words and advice. I appreciate it.
For me trust is earned rather than something I just throw around these days. Love is an action concept rather than something I devote myself to.
Certainly I know that turs tis a hard one for me in all respects. Every relatinship has trust issues.
Having compassin for myself is so key. I have more compassion for me now than I had in he past. The days of the dance of WHY, Could I, Should I why can't I are gone. The new mantra is understanding I'm a product of my life. I'm not just going to jump into any relationship any more.
I'm not sure where you are in this relationship or why you want to beat yourself to a pulp about concerns. Any day can bring up new issues. For me the days of believing in a "perfect love" arent' there anymore. I certainly can know that there are times when i won't put up with certain behaviors.
if the social issue is a big one can't you schedule time where its just the two of you and put the focus on that. I know I have real issues when I'm around people and they put more emphasis on others than on me or the trnasitiosn are broken.
I have people in my life who are there just for me, a sponsor iis one of them. My sponsor time is my time. I don't rely on just one person to meet all my needs any more too.
At the same time realistically if I were in a relationship I'd expect to have "issues" I'd expect there to be obstacles. How big they are is the issue. If they are insurmountable I'd have to look at that.
