paying for the sins of the A.. - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

paying for the sins of the A..

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Loupiness, I have done things in my marriage too to try and control the situation in a way where I felt the outcome would be more reasonable for all concerned, but what I keep having to remind myself is alchoholics arn't reasonable, and I did stuff, that when I look back now, was not ever going to do any good, and change any outcomes, and it's only when you step back and find the right support do you realise how convincing denial can be, maybe it happens that way because it's too much to cope with and handle when we are in it.

I hope more people will write about feelings we are all made up of so many, just seems to me every now and then one feeling or another overwhelms the rest, but it is only a passing faze.

regards

Katy

x

linbaba · Veteran Member

Loupiness wrote:
I know the title is familiar to many. Trying to wrap my head around how all my efforts to protect myself a few years ago, really just postponed the inevitable while enabling my exAH and his A g/f at the same time. Bleh! I spent about 15K on a divorce, and now the reasons and the details behind them are null and void.
In a nutshell, I hid my exAH's disease and affair all for the sake of fear of financial ruin. Life came crashing down right when we were breaking ground on a new building for our business. I should have halted the construction right then and there, but I didn't. I just forged ahead as if the business world was separate from the personal world. I was terrified, in denial and numb. I also thought exAHs professional abilities and good reputation would pull us through. I was just trying to get by day to day. Then the economy crashed. In our divorce, I got the house (including a second mortage that paid for all pre-construction costs) and he got the business, property, etc. Technically I ended up with equity, and he did not. It was all done in the hopes that the banks would let me off the business loans when they got the divorce decree. That did not happen,so here it is 4 years post, and exAH had to claim bankruptcy on the building. And, yep, you got it, I just found out I do too. It is not even like it will be a "fresh start" for me, for I have no other debt to roll into it. It sucks!
The resentments and regrets are killing me. I held secrets for the sake of saving me, my ex, my kids, and my pride (now thats a hard one to admit). For two years my exAH was with a married woman and I never told her husband. He is still with her today. Sounds awful, but now I regret not having made their lives more miserable at the time. I let the construction continue and the loans fund. I want to blame. I blame myself and I blame him. Yes, a bad economy too. Part of me holds off on blaming Aism/addiction, but I know that is a factor for it played a part in decision making. Also, in his recovery program mandate, he could no longer work like a mad man. His hours were limited and and hours of weekly AA, therapy, groups, testing were thrust upon him. Hmm.. writing that I see... yes, the disease.
He seems amazingly calm through it all. He is also sober and has a ton of recovery and therapy support. He is trying to move his business somewhere else. I think it is time for him to just work for someone else. I feel paralyzed. I play it off so well at work and with friends, but inside I am stuck and numb. So many things I know I need to do to care for myself and I don't. I don't sleep. Struggling emotionally to give my kids what they need. I don't exercise. I don't eat well. I don't stay on top of my finances on a regular basis. Al anon is not local and I only seems to make it a couple of times a month. Juggling schedules with my sponsor has been difficult. Truth be told, however, it is all about my efforts, and I could do more, and am afraid that God will see it that way too. I need to do the work to get the blessings.
I know this was long and whiny. I just needed to get it out of my head, and if in doing so I can get some feedback, well, that is beneficial too. We are all in the trenches together, and there is comfort in knowing I can just post and it be accepted for what it is. This too shall pass I know, but I am getting tired of just passing from one crisis to the next. I am so ready to be done with it all. Too bad life doesn't work that way. And yes, there still is much to be grateful for. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Blessings,
Lou

I went through something similar a few years ago but in my case it was my mother who was the instrument of my financial ruin, I sold my business to take over hers, the deal was I would move to where she lived, build a house on 30 acres she had, run the business until she could retire, supporting her, my step father, my sister and my niece for 4 years, then she would sign the restaurant and her piece of property over to me to be held for my niece, I used my life savings to build a house on the property and worked for peanuts for the next four years supporting the four of them, all my friends told me to get it in writing and I didn't, I knew my mother was very ill, alcoholic and codependent but felt she would "deliver", she won't throw me under the bus

She then changed her mind, took back her business to sell it, and kicked me off the property and took my house when I ... ummm ...reacted strongly... I ended up couch surfing, jobless, with all my stuff under a friends porch....

I was in my 40's...I lost everything..to say I was consumed by resentment is a hideous understatement

So when I worked my steps I had to take -my- inventory, not hers, those are the rules, I had to seek out "the decision I made based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt" so the festering resentment didn't kill me, this didn't mean I was letting her off the hook for her actions, I will never speak to her again, but it meant I needed to let go of the resentments that were making my life a living hell, I was drinking poison and hoping she would suffer by having these resentments

So when I met my sponsor and he asked me what was going on, I told him everything, he had me take out a piece of paper and write out "This **** gotta stop" and asked me to write out all the reasons I needed to let go of all these resentments

My mothers name never appeared on that list, when I listed all of the reasons my hurts, pains, justified and unjustified resentments were killing me, there was 3 pages of solution looking back at me and I realized my recovery had nothing to do with her any more.

I made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt, and I trusted a loved one, a family member not to throw me under the bus even though I had clear-cut evidence that's what she does, I put the blinders on and forged ahead forgetting "hope, ignorance and denial are not a plan" and when it all came crashing down I STILL was surprised even though I KNEW, I SAW it coming, but I just...hoped for the best I guess

Anyway, it's been 2? 2.5 years maybe and I had to move, I ended up in a city 100 miles away from my home, my family (program) and friends and I am still struggling to rebuild my life financially and personally, I had built up a "community" of friends over 30 years that in many cases spanned generations, now I live alone in a strange city that is economically one of the worst five in America, I ask myself, "How did I get here?"

I made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt

The blame is gone, and so is the festering resentment, any struggles I face today are the direct result of the consequences of my own actions, I had to learn how to do that to let go of: "The resentments and regrets are killing me"

The turning point for me, what changed my entire perception all started when I wrote that list "These resentments have GOT to stop" and then start writing

I learned my "problem" might have had "your" name on it but my solution had to have MY name on it, I won't say I don't do the same things, eat poorly more then I'd like to admit, periods of poor self care, this is hard and I feel defeated periodically, starting life over at 45 isn't easy God knows

but the resentments are gone, the blaming is gone, I made decisions in the past that placed me in a position to be hurt, and I turned right around and made the same decision again...but it's like I am learning "I fell in a hole" so it's up to me to pull myself OUT of the hole rather then sitting in the hole and saying she THREW me in the hole, because that's just a waste of time and as long as I can blame someone else for me being in the hole I don't have to take responsibility to get myself OUT of the hole, I'm the one in the hole, it's up to me to get me out

once again, it's not about letting her off the hook, I will never talk to my mother again, it's about me not wasting my time being mad at her in a morass of festering resentment and going about the business of rebuilding my life, when I take blows, like this week my car blew up 100 miles away from home, and it's the second car in 2 years to blow up, and now since I bought another car, I'm broke and eating rice and beans, and I'm sick to death of rice and beans, but I had the money to buy it...next few weeks gwan be a bit tricky....not sure how I am going to pay rent and bills and hope the next few weeks aren't "food optional" this time like last time my car blew up, but baby steps

just keep swimming just keep swimming

and I don't have to live with that godawful woman in my head any more, ya know? it's just me...that might not sound like much, but after a few years of her being the first thing I thought of when I woke up to her being the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep at night, and the bitterness, bile and resentment that accompanied that, not having her live in my head any more is a HUGE step in the right direction

As long as I was "paying for HER sins" I lived a life of resentment, the moment I switched to a life where "I made a decision based on self that placed me in a -postion- to be hurt" I started healing

I underlined the parts in your posts that were identical to the decisions I made based on self that put me in a position to be hurt, I don't know why it's so different but it is, when it was "her fault" I had an emotional wound that wouldn't heal, but when it became the result of questionable fear based decisions I made, I could forgive me and it freed up my energy to move forward, it became a problem to solve rather then a hurt to wallow in for me, and I do better with puzzles and problems to solve then I do with grievous emotional wounds that bring me to my knees, with problems to solve I live in the present and maybe a little in the future, whereas with grievous emotional wounds I live in the past, so for me it's not just "one day at a time" but...just...today, and it's so much easier to live in today then the past, because the past hurts so very much in some cases, now the past becomes an asset to learn from so I don't make the same mistakes rather then a past where I have "been wronged", my past becomes my solution rather then my problem

-- Edited by linbaba on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 12:10:31 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

He went through bankruptcy to escape the consequences of his actions and you are stuck paying for it by having to go through bankruptcy too and yet "He seems amazingly calm through it all. He is also sober and has a ton of recovery and therapy support." Doesn't AA's recovery include making amends? How recovered can he be to bring this destruction onto you, hurt you this way? Wouldn't part of making amends mean doing something to ease the load he's put on you? Are the kids his as well and if they are, how can he stand amazingly calm while doing this to them? I used to have a relative who "got religion" later in life and used it as a sword to strike down anyone who dared to question his Christianity by suggesting he own up to his past sins and make good on his debts. He never will of course, claims God has forgiven him so no one can hold him to anything. I've a notion that God might disagree since we are supposed to make our amends on earth before asking for His forgiveness.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey....you are allowed to be mad and have a little tantrum now and then. You are human. After you feel the extreme feelings, it then becomes about just doing the next right thing. Don't catastrophize and overcomplicate. Your peace of mine and serenity are not up for grabs. Take them back.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I definitely did my share of enabing the ex A. I was always in awe of his social skills. I don't doubt he moved onto other people, I believe he went to stay with his mother but I make a point of not finding out.

Many of us find ourselves in real financial peril after a relationship with an A. I know I have. I am 4 years out and still barely treading water.

I can certainly understand the exhaustion, fear, disgust, rage and turmoil it takes to put it all together how I got to this point. I also know that by being willing to look at this I got to the point of being willing to see how I set myself up rather than blame him. Certainly the ex A was irresponsible, reckless, self destructive, a liar and a great great manipulator. I was absolutely drowned by the disease, the economy, my inability to sort it all out and by my own depression. I know I would not have found my way out of that relationship without al anon.

I am in a place now where I am no longer waiting for it all to get better. I'm in a place where I expect it to be hard. Is it as hard as it once was. No do I have significant gaps in self care, needs and stuff I don't get to certainly. I barely take care of the basics and I feel like I'm sick of saying and knowing I don't know when I will.

At the same time I'm no longer drowning in someone else's issues. The issues I have are mine. I may not be able to conquer them but I am no longer seething in rage and disgust and feeling like I will never get away. I did get away I knew full well when I did there would be serious repercussions. There were and are. I may be 10 years getting to a place of being able to do more than tread water. I may...I also know that when I do meet alcoholics I make a really clear decision I cannot have another intimate relationship with one. I certainly deal with them, I've worked for them, I've lived around them. I do know absolutely in my bones the ex A was the last one I'd choose to partner with on that level. I know I cannot do that again and I'd rather be alone than deal with that level of insanity. I can make a choice now I could not do a decade ago when I met the ex A.

I don't like making those kinds of choices but I do have some measure of self preservation now I had none then. I love myself more now than I ever have. I value myself. I know I don't deserve to go through that hell anymore.

Maresie.

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