I can relate to where you're at in your relationship right now. Maybe because I spent three months at rehab, I saw things going on in my relationship with my wife she had no concept of. And I'm sure she was aware of things I was clueless of. We were just not on the same page. Sometimes I think we weren't even in the same bookstore. I saw all this happening right in front of me and was powerless to keep it spiraling out of control.

I realize now that we were going to counciling with 2 different agendas. I suspected it at the time but it wasn't till I started reading and posting here that I see things a little more from her perspective.

Here's my analogy: Look at the relationship like a house. You need a foundation, walls, a roof, electric, plumbing, a kitchen, bath etc. Of course when everything is good you can decorate it the way you want to make it a comfortable home. Pick out paint colors, wall paper, pictures, window treatments, rugs. The walls and roof are the love you have for each other; these contain the contents of the house or relationship. The electric and plumbing are like the basic compatability stuff that allows you to live comfortably with that person. The final decorating is like all the good comfortable stuff in a relationship that makes life with that person fun and worthwhile. All of this needs a good foundation to work though. If the foundation isn't solid, the walls are likely to sag or crack, the roof may leak, the electrical and plumbing may get damaged. In a relationship, the foundation is the emotional, spiritual, and mental well being of the individuals involved. If both partners are healthy in these areas, the house should be OK. If one of the partners is deficient, the other may be strong enough (maybe unfairly) to carry the whole load. If neither partner is stong enough, the whole thing may be unstable or collapse, but since they are both in the same state, it may be good enough for both of them to live like that.


Using this analogy, I think that in my first year of recovery, my ex wanted me to work on the painting, wall paper, and window treatments of our house, while I realized my foundation needed a ton of work just to support my part of the structure. Because of my disease, my part of the house was never built on a solid foundation to begin with, it was all surface stuff waiting to collapse (and some of it already had.) I got into the rehab and really looked at this for the first time in my life. My wife's focus had been on me for so long, I don't even think she realized her foundation needed some work also. It's not that I didn't want to be there with my wife decorating, I was too busy in the basement fixing the mess down there. I knew if that wasn't solid the rest of it would eventually get damaged. I guess I also hoped she would be spending some time down there working with me.


I think she saw our relationship problems from the point of view that "you don't get it, I'm telling you what I need from you and you refuse to do anything about it." I kept trying to tell her, "I'm not there yet, I can't give you something if I'm not capable yet." I'm sure there are many times I didn't even realize WHAT I was doing or unintentionally said or did things that were very hurtful and uncaring to her. I was oblivious sometimes to what was going on 'upstairs.' My heart was breaking that I couldn't be the person she wanted me to be right away. I tried to get her to keep going to counciling to at least get to the point where she understood some of this. She never could. Unfortunately, she said "how many times am I going to listen to you say you don't understand, you can't do this right now?" She's right, I ran out of time and chances.

Do I wish I could go back 2 years with the understanding I have now? Do I wish she could have been a little more compassionate and patient about the stuff I was going through (and vice versa?) I'm not writing this in the hope that it will change my situation at all, but maybe it will help change the perspective of someone going through something similar whose marriage can still be saved. I wish I had had someone who understood to help guide us through my early recovery.

Lou

That makes a lot of sense. The problem is I can't go back and change the past, all those hurtful things I did during my alcoholic insanity. I know that I look at my 'new' life starting with recovery, I need to remember the past, accept all the horrible things I've done and make sure I don't repete those past behaviors. I understand how the wounds I've caused my ex can still be fresh to her, and I guess maybe that's why my new attitude and thinking can sometimes appear to her as uncaring or callous. When she brings up things that happen 6 or 8 years ago, I am defenseless. The only thing I can do is acknowledge her pain, say I'm sorry for causing it, do my best to never be that person again, and try to let it go.

I also realize that she was always way ahead of me on some emotional and spiritual levels. But now that I have been in recovery for 2 years, with 3 months of inpatient rehab, 3 months of outpatient and 5 to 8 meetings a week to work on myself, in some ways (not all) I have moved past her. This imbalance is also a very difficult situation to deal with. Even when I have something meaningful or positive to say, if it's coming out of my mouth, to her it must be B.S. or a manipulation. I truly wish she could have realized how much I wanted our relationship to work and what I was willing to do for it.

Hi, What you experienced is pretty typical. Sometimes it took weeks for things to sink in. My spouse drank again after 10 years sobriety, and this time (because the disease prgressed), it has taken 3-4 months for his brain to clear, his moods to clear. Then I began to get my voice back. Whew....what a relief!
However, it is now 9 months sober, and we are just now learning the "in and outs" of communicaton AND there are still some days we get our wires crossed.
All I can say, is Time, Patience, Tolerance has gotten us this far. And lately, I like what I see!